Foolish Games
by EvenAngelsFall22
Summary: NEW FINAL CHAPTER She needed to control something in her life, but once she found it, it began to control her. Another Paige story, but extremely different from the rest of mine.
1. Prologue

This story is slightly out-of-character. I don't know yet how closely I'm going to follow storylines of the show, so if things seem odd, just go with it. There's always a method to my madness. Enjoy!   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Paige rolled over and looked at her alarm clock. She still had twenty minutes until it would ring. And then an hour and a half before her day started. Sighing, she rolled over and stared at the ceiling, forming patterns out of the glow-in-the-dark stars that were hanging there.   
  
School started today. Grade 11. She hadn't seen any of her friends since last spring, on the last day of Grade 10. She hadn't planned on leaving for 3 months without saying good-bye. She had no idea that her mother was waiting for her at home to take her to the airport as soon as she got home.  
  
Last year had sucked, plain and simple. It hadn't started out that way, but that's how it ended, and that's how she was going to remember it. Up until last February, her life had been pretty much fabulous. She was the most popular girl in her class, she had the best friends, and she had been dating Jason, a Grade 12 hockey player she had met through her brother Dylan.  
  
Then, one night at a party, everything changed. Two days before their 6-month anniversary, Paige walked into a room and found her boyfriend with another girl. Jason never even apologized for cheating on her. He merely told her that while she was a sweet girl and they had fun together, she just wasn't the right girl from him and he didn't see their relationship going any further and they may as well end it that night. Paige had gone into a rage, demanding to know why he was behaving this way and ultimately, he told her that she was still just a little girl, and if she wasn't ready to "play with the big boys" then he wasn't going to waste his time. By then, Dylan had intercepted and punched the guy but it was too late, the damage had been done to Paige's ego.  
  
After that, she basically shut down. She had loved Jason, he was the first person she had let get close to her after being date-raped by Dean, and she had thought he had loved her. For him to reject her because she wouldn't sleep with him broke her heart. She stopped caring about everything. Her friends, school, spirit squad, nothing mattered to her anymore. She spent her days going through the motions, but never really getting into anything.   
  
Which was why her mother had decided to send her to London for the summer to stay with her Aunt Lily and cousin Briana. Her mother thought that if she got away from everything for a while, that she could get back to being her old self. The fact that Lily was a psychiatrist was a big part of her reasoning too.  
  
That fact still caused Paige to laugh. That her aunt, the psychiatrist, had absolutely no clue what was going on in her own home.  
  
When Paige got to London, the last words from everyone back home were still echoing in her ears.  
  
Ashley had hugged her and promised they'd go shopping the next day. Some new clothes would make her feel better.  
  
Craig had offered her the chance to sing in his band, saying she needed to get out more.  
  
Spinner had hugged her, kissed her cheek and told her he would stop by later that night and try to convince her to go to a movie. He had squeezed her hand and said he was hoping the old Paige would be back this summer.  
  
And her mom. Her mom's words were the ones that rang the loudest in her ears the whole summer. "Take care of yourself this summer Sweetheart. Lose a few pounds and you'll feel like yourself again."  
  
Briana had been Paige's only friend this summer. Sure, they had spent time hanging out with all of Briana's friends, and she had met a few on her own, but Briana was the only one who knew what Paige was going through. Briana was the one who helped Paige start her diet and lose the 20 extra pounds she had gained since her breakup with Jason. Briana was the one who introduced her to the world of Anorexia.  
  
Paige got out of bed, shutting the alarm clock off 5 minutes before it rang. She looked at herself in the mirror and smiled bitterly. If her friends and family wanted the old Paige back so much, then that's what they were going to get. The Paige they knew and loved (or hated, in the case of some) was going to be back full force.  
  
Who cared if it was all going to be for show?  
  
She took her time getting ready. She showered and washed her hair, picked out the perfect outfit, and painstakingly did her make-up. She heard her mother calling her and skipped down the stairs, a fake smile plastered on her face.  
  
"Morning Mom!"  
  
"Well look at you, already for school!" Mrs. Michalchuk was obviously pleased with what she saw. "What can I get you for breakfast?"  
  
Paige thought for a minute. "I'm a little nervous about going back to school Mom, I don't think eating too much would be a good idea, so I just think I want some toast if that's okay?" The lies got easier and easier as the days passed by.  
  
"How about some juice to go along with it?"   
  
Paige nodded and sat down at the table. A piece of dry toast and half a glass of grapefruit juice would be okay. "Where's Dylan? He didn't leave for school already did he?"  
  
"And face the wrath of you? Don't worry, I'm still here and ready to drive you to school." Dylan appeared in the doorway. "But hurry up, we've only got a few minutes."  
  
Paige nodded and took a final sip of her juice. "Let's go." She kissed her mom on the cheek. "See you at dinner tonight." She and Dylan left.  
  
Dylan looked at her, once they were in the car. "So your summer in London was good?" he asked.  
  
Paige nodded and looked out the window. "Yeah it was fun. Aunt Lily and Briana are awesome you know that. And Aunt Lily helped me out with a lot of my problems." Her answer was rehearsed; she knew exactly what to say to make her family happy.  
  
"That's good. Briana didn't look so good when I came to see you though."  
  
Paige studied her nail polish. "She had a cold for a couple weeks, it knocked her out for awhile."  
  
"Oh. Is she feeling better now?"  
  
"Yeah, she was fine when I left." Paige looked out the window again and saw Spinner and Ashley sitting on the steps of Degrassi.  
  
"You gonna be okay?" Dylan asked. "Have you talked to either of them since you've been back?"  
  
Paige nodded. "I talked to Ashley last night." She took a deep breath and smiled. "I'll see you later." She gave him another smile and got out of the Jeep.  
  
"Paige!" Ashley jumped up and gave her a big hug. "I've missed you! You look fabulous!"  
  
Paige laughed. "I've missed you too." She pulled away. "Nice hair Hon." Ashley's short hair now had a few purple streaks in it. She looked at Spinner, who was looking at her shyly. "Hey you."  
  
He smiled. "Hi."  
  
"Oh don't be shy like that, come here and give me a hug!" As Spinner hugged her Paige was overcome with emotions she had forgotten about. Once upon a time she and Spinner were almost a couple. And if she had stayed for the summer, they most likely would have been.  
  
"You okay now?" Spinner asked, pulling back to look at her. Paige nodded and said she was, but looking her in the eye Spinner couldn't tell if she was telling the truth or not. Something was different about her, he knew that much.  
  
The bell rang, and they headed inside to find their homerooms.  
  
All day long, all of her friends kept telling her the same thing. She looked so much better, they had missed her so much, and this year was going to be the best. Blah, blah, blah. Paige wanted to scream by lunch period. The only thing that kept her sane was the email she had received from Briana last hour, telling her to hang in there and that everything was going to be okay.  
  
By the end of the day, Paige was exhausted. She didn't know how long she could keep her act up, but everyone seemed to be buying it, so she knew she was doing a good job. As long as everyone else was happy, Paige could have peace in her life. She wouldn't have to deal with therapists and medications and worried expressions and hushed conversations behind her back.  
  
So what if she had everyone fooled? If it kept her away from all of that, that was all that mattered. 


	2. Total Control of the Situation

"Paige, you've got 10 minutes or I'm leaving without you!" Dylan yelled up the stairs.  
  
Paige sighed. "Promises, promises," she said to herself before yelling back, "I'll be down in a minute!" They were going out with a bunch of people from school and Paige had tried everything she could to get out of going, but her brother insisted.  
  
It had been a month since school had started up again, and everyone was impressed with how well Paige had readjusted to life back at Degrassi. She was back on the Spirit Squad, her classes were going well, and she was once again, the reigning popularity queen of her class.  
  
But it was still all for show. In reality, Paige was still struggling. She hated going to school every day, she was only on the spirit squad because it had been expected of her, and honestly, she didn't care what people thought of her anymore. She just didn't want to deal with what would happen if she didn't do her normal things anymore.  
  
She was surprised when she realized her clothes didn't fit her as well as they used to. She stared at herself in the mirror, trying to see if she really did look that thin.   
  
"Whatever," she muttered, shaking her head. She didn't look so thin that anyone would question her about it. She put on her shoes and headed downstairs, yelling that she was ready to go.  
  
Dylan looked at her suspiciously. He had talked to Spinner earlier in the day and Spinner had raised some red flags. "You look nice," he said, handing over her coat.  
  
Paige made a face. "I thought big brothers were supposed to be mean to their sisters, not compliment them," she said.  
  
"Yeah well, I know when you went away for the summer you were trying to lose some weight, it looks like you did a good job," he said. "Was dieting hard?"  
  
Paige looked her brother straight in the eye. "At first, but you know, you get used to it. And I lost what I needed to, so I'm done now." It was mostly true, Paige was eating much more than she had all summer, she only occasionally stopped eating if things were getting to be too difficult to handle. And even then, it was only for a day or so. She figured as long as she kept it in line, and to a minimum, she'd be okay. She was still in control after all.  
  
"Good. So tonight should be fun, huh?" he asked, as they got into the Jeep. "Spinner said this place has like, the best all-you-can-eat ice cream buffet he's ever seen."  
  
"Well, Spin would know," Paige said laughing. "The boy eats everything." Over the past month her and Spinner had sort of starting dating and things were great, but she was still wary of guys and the whole dating situation, so letting Spinner get close to her was a hard thing to do, and while he was being patient, he was also getting frustrated with her as well.  
  
When they got to the ice cream place, Paige was surprised with how many people from school were there. She put on a bright smile, kissed her boyfriend on the cheek, and slipped into Popular Paige mode. Laughing, joking, and having a good time.  
  
Halfway through the night Paige realized something. She was having a good time. She wasn't even pretending, which surprised her.   
  
"Is that all you're going to eat?" Spinner asked her, looking at her bowl of frozen yogurt.  
  
She nodded. "Not all of us take total advantage of the all you can eat factor of this place," she said, picking the cherry off of his sundae and popping it into her mouth.  
  
Spinner made a face. "Yeah, but yogurt? I thought you were off that stupid diet."  
  
"I am!" she insisted.   
  
"Are you?"  
  
"How can I prove it to you? I'm not dieting anymore, I don't need to."  
  
Spinner grinned at her, all the while pouring hot fudge on her yogurt. "All right then, I believe you."  
  
"Jerk." Paige took a bite from the bowl and rolled her eyes at him. "Are you happy now?"  
  
"For now." He looked over at Dylan who just shrugged. He had talked to Dylan about Paige's weird eating habits lately, but maybe he was wrong. Paige seemed more normal tonight than she had in a long time. She didn't even flinch or move away when Spinner put his arm around her. In fact, she only smiled and rested her hand on his knee.  
  
After another hour of ice cream and a semi food fight, Paige was ready to go. The only problem was, Dylan wasn't. No, he had found a guy to talk to and had already given Paige their secret, this-boy-is-cute look.   
  
"Thanks for driving me home," Paige said to Spinner, when they were in her driveway. "But if my mom ever asks you, Dylan dropped me off and went back to the restaurant." Spinner had only had his driver's license for 3 weeks and Paige's parents still didn't trust him to drive Paige around.  
  
"Deal." Spinner grinned at her. "Did you have fun tonight?"  
  
Paige nodded. "Yeah it was a lot of fun," she said truthfully. "Although I've never seen anyone eat that much ice cream before, are you feeling okay?"  
  
Spinner laughed. "Yeah I'm good." He looked at her, and then looked away.   
  
"What?" she asked. She tilted her head and waited expectantly.  
  
Spinner shrugged. "It's early, I don't want to go home just yet," he said.  
  
Paige smiled at him. "Well, let's take a walk then," she suggested. They parked his car down the road a little bit and then started walking towards the park. Soon enough though, they found themselves on a park bench in a secluded area of the park, making out.  
  
Paige pulled away before things got too heated. "That was intense," she said, laughing nervously.  
  
"I was thinking it was nice."  
  
"It was nice." She turned her head to avoid Spinner as he leaned forward again. He bumped his head on her shoulder and sighed, letting his forehead rest there a moment.  
  
The sigh immediately annoyed Paige. "What?" she asked.  
  
Spinner pulled back and shook his head. "Nothing," he said.  
  
"No, what?"  
  
Spinner looked everywhere but at her. "We've already been through this Paige. I don't need to say it again."  
  
"Maybe you should, just to clarify things."  
  
"Paige stop, I'm not going to fight with you!" Spinner said. "But if you want to hear it again, fine. You know I'm not like Dean or Jason. You know I'm not out just to get you in bed, or that I'm not going to take no for an answer. You know I could care less about any of that, as long as you still spend time with me but..." his voice trailed off.  
  
"But what?" Paige asked. "Obviously there's something on your mind."  
  
Spinner shook his head. "I don't want to get into it tonight, we're having fun for once."  
  
"For once?" Paige crossed her arms over her chest.  
  
"Yeah, for once. Paige, ever since you came back from your summer away you've been hot and cold. One day everything's fine and happy, and then next day you're quiet and angry about something. And I never know which mood you're going to be in and I'm scared to approach you because there's a good chance you're going to bite my head off!" He sighed again and put his hand on her arm. "I've been worried about you Paige. I want to help you, but I don't know how. I talked to Dylan and-"  
  
"You talked to Dylan?" Paige jerked her arm away. "What did you tell him?"  
  
"Just what I told you right now. Paige, he's worried too. We both want to help you, just tell us how."  
  
Paige shook her head. "I don't need help," she said, "Because nothing's wrong. I'm fine," she insisted.  
  
"Right. That's why you wouldn't let me kiss you 5 minutes ago?" Spinner asked.  
  
"I thought that didn't matter to you," Paige challenged. "I thought you were fine just spending time with me?"  
  
"I am but-" Again, he stopped himself.  
  
"But what?"   
  
Spinner thought a moment before talking. "I like you a lot Paige, you know that. And I know you've had really bad experiences with guys so I've never ever pushed you into doing anything you weren't comfortable with, I like you too much to do that." He sighed. "But I'm still a guy Paige. And sometimes yeah, I'd like something more than a kiss on the cheek good night, so tonight, when you didn't even flinch when I touched you, and then when you kissed me here in the park, I guess I got a little carried away."  
  
Paige laughed. "So I show you a little bit of affection and you think that's a green light for whatever?"  
  
"No!" Spinner grabbed her arm and forced her to look at him. "Paige, that's not what I meant, I swear. It's just, I don't know what I can and can't do with you, and you're not making it any easier on me."  
  
Paige stood up. "Well then, I'm sorry if this is difficult for you, because God knows it's so simple for me. I'll make things easier for you right now though, I'm going home."  
  
"Paige stop." Spinner ran to catch up with her.  
  
"No, I'm tired. I'm going home. I don't need this anyways."  
  
"Well I'm not letting you walk home alone," Spinner insisted.  
  
"Fine, I won't stop you." She half-walked, half-ran the rest of the way home. She was almost in the door when Spinner blocked her path.  
  
"What?" she asked.  
  
"Paige, I'm sorry," he said simply.  
  
Paige didn't look at him.   
  
"I am," he continued. "I meant what I said though, about liking you. You know that much. I guess what happens next is up to you. You have control over the situation now. Just don't leave me hanging too long okay?"   
  
Paige finally looked at him. "I'll talk to you tomorrow," she said. She brushed past him and went into the house.  
  
Dylan was in the living room, watching TV. "Hey," he greeted. "My Beavis and Butthead DVD came in the mail today, wanna watch with me?"  
  
Paige shook her head. "No, I'm going to bed."  
  
Dylan muted the TV. "You okay? Did something happen when you and Spinner left?"  
  
"Nothing I wasn't expecting. I'll see you in the morning." Paige trudged up the stairway and into her bedroom.  
  
Spinner's words still echoed in her head. Control over the situation. Right. She rubbed her eyes and changed into her pajamas. Looking out her bedroom window she saw that Spinner was sitting in his car, still parked down the road from her house.  
  
Paige knew that he was partly right. She was very emotional most of the time, and even she never knew which mood she would be in what day. And she also knew Spinner wasn't like Dean or Jason, just like he said. She couldn't ask for a better boyfriend, and she really didn't know why she froze him out most of the time. Tonight wasn't the first time she had pulled away when he tried to kiss her, but it was the first time he had admitted that he wasn't 100 percent happy with their relationship.  
  
Paige sat down on her bed. She wasn't even angry with Spinner anymore, and while she knew she should run out there and tell him that, she stayed right where she was. She closed her eyes, trying to calm the feelings swirling in her stomach at the moment.  
  
Control over the situation. The words were still in her head. If she was in control, why did she feel so bad? She hated the way she was treating him, and the guilt was making her feel sick.   
  
But why should she feel guilty? The question nagged at her. She was the one who had been date-raped. She was the one who got her heart broken because she wouldn't sleep with a guy. It was obvious she had issues trusting guys and letting herself be close to them, so Spinner should accept that, right?  
  
Paige opened her eyes and found herself in the bathroom. She didn't even remember walking in there.   
  
She gripped the sides of the porcelain sink, looking at her reflection in the mirror. It wasn't fair to Spinner that she just assumed he should just accept her no matter what mood she was in. But then again, Spinner wasn't being fair either.  
  
Paige pressed her hands to either side of her temples and started to cry. Total control over the situation, yeah right. She wasn't in any more control now than she was last year.  
  
There was something though, she remembered. Briana had always done it, but Paige was always too scared. She thought that if she did do it, then she really would be sick.   
  
"Your stomach is upset already," Paige said, trying to rationalize to herself. "You ate too much ice cream and you're not going to able to sleep unless you do something."  
  
Paige brushed the tears from her eyes and knelt down. "It's not like you're going to do this every day," she whispered. "Just once, to feel better." She put her index finger to her lips, biting down on the tip of it, hesitating before pushing it farther in. It took a few tries, but finally, she gagged.  
  
When she was finished, she brushed her teeth, and went back to her bedroom. She crawled into bed, curling up into a tight ball. She was still crying, but she felt better.  
  
Meanwhile, Dylan was standing outside her door, debating on whether or not he should go in. He could hear her crying, and just a few minutes before, he had heard her in the bathroom. Through the bathroom door, sounds had been muffled, but he was fairly sure he knew what he had heard. He just didn't know what to do about it. 


	3. Slipping

The phone ringing woke Paige up the next day. "Somebody please answer that!" she yelled from underneath her pillows.  
  
Dylan opened her bedroom door and threw the phone onto her bed. "Good morning Sunshine, phone for you." And then he left.  
  
Paige fumbled around for the phone and clicked it off hold. "Hello?"  
  
"Hey, it's me."  
  
"Spin?" Paige sat up.  
  
"I'm sorry for waking you up, and I know I said I'd wait until you called me, but I couldn't."  
  
"No, it's okay. I shouldn't be sleeping at-" she looked at the clock next to her bed. "Quarter to one, anyways." She was amazed it was already afternoon. "Do you wanna come over in a little while?" she asked.  
  
"You want me to come over?" Spinner sounded surprised.  
  
"I asked, didn't I?" Paige took a deep breath, and when she spoke again, her voice was softer. "Yes, I want you to come over. We need to talk, and I don't want to do it on the phone."  
  
"Oh. Okay. How about I come over around 3 then?"  
  
"Perfect. See you then." Paige put the phone down and closed her eyes again. It had taken forever for her to get to sleep last night; she was surprised she slept as long as she did.  
  
Last night. Now she remembered why she and Spinner had fought. And she remembered what she had done when she got home.   
  
She reached down underneath her bed and pulled out her journal.   
  
Last night wasn't so much fun. I mean, yeah, it started out fun and I was having a really good time. More fun than I've let myself have in a long time actually. But then I had to go and ruin things again.  
  
It wasn't so bad was it? I mean, Spinner's kissed me before. Why did I have to freak out last night? And why did he have to be so honest when he called me on it? I don't want things to get so bad that we break up, but come on...maybe Briana was right. Maybe I'm still not ready to be dating anyone.  
  
Briana. I haven't talked to her in a few weeks. She'd be so proud of what I did last night. Funny isn't it, how someone could be proud of someone close to them for sticking their finger down their throat and doing something that could eventually kill them? I still can't believe I actually did it. It's so not a girly thing and it hurt. But Briana was right, I did feel better afterwards. For a little while anyways. I can't do it again though. I can't let myself fall into that trap; I saw what it did to her. It runs her life now.   
  
Paige looked down at her journal, tapping her pen against the page she was writing on. She wrote one last sentence.  
  
But it gives her control.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Hey, look who's finally out of bed!" Dylan said as Paige came downstairs a little while later. "You feeling okay?"  
  
Paige nodded. "Just didn't sleep well last night, that's all. Hey I never asked, did you get that guy's number last night?"   
  
Dylan laughed. "Tried to, but he got all shy on me. Plus," Dylan leaned forward dramatically. "He had on brown shoes and a black belt."  
  
"Ew." Paige made a face. "Sorry."  
  
"No big deal." Dylan held out the plate he was holding. "Want some?" He grinned. "Nachos. Full of nacho-y goodness."  
  
"I'll pass. Thanks." She grabbed the remote control and flipped channels. She settled on DisMissed.  
  
"You sure? They're really good." Dylan held the plate right in front of her.  
  
"Gross, no." Paige pushed his hand away.  
  
Dylan looked at her for a moment. "What's going on Paige?" he asked.  
  
She looked at him blankly. "What are you talking about?"  
  
"Are you sick?"  
  
"Not that I know of."  
  
"Then you weren't throwing up in the bathroom last night?"  
  
Paige was caught off guard. She was trying to figure out what to say but Dylan started talking again.  
  
"So you were. Are you sick or no?"  
  
"Dylan, you'd have gotten sick too, if you had to eat frozen lemon yogurt with hot fudge on it," she said quickly, remembering how Spinner had dumped the chocolate on her sundae.  
  
"That does sound pretty gross," Dylan admitted. "But you feel okay now?"  
  
Paige nodded. "Geez, you sound like Mom. I'm fine." She let annoyance creep into her voice, hoping Dylan would let it drop.  
  
No such luck. "Well, if you won't each the nachos, should we order pizza or something? You gotta be starved."  
  
"Sure, but you better order a lot, Spinner's going to be here in a little bit."  
  
"Oh, well, I'll just order 3 large everything pizzas then."  
  
"Sounds about right. Only make one of those just half plain cheese for me?" she asked.  
  
"Just cheese?"  
  
"That's what I said." Paige made a point of turning all of her attention back to the TV, hoping Dylan would leave her alone.  
  
The doorbell rang half an hour later and Dylan raced to it, thinking it was the pizza guy. He came back into the living room with Spinner. "Paige, your boyfriend's here," he said in a singsong voice.  
  
Paige looked up from the TV and smiled. "Hey," she said.  
  
Spinner looked a little uncomfortable. "Hey," he said back.  
  
"Right, looks like you two have some talking to do or something," Dylan said. "So I'm gonna go up to my room or something, just let me know when the pizza's here."  
  
"Yeah right," Paige said, throwing a pillow at her brother. "If I have to answer the door, you're going to make me pay for the pizza. You stay here, Spin and I will leave."  
  
"Right. Keep the bedroom door open you crazy kids."  
  
Once up in her bedroom Paige and Spinner just looked at each other.   
  
"I'm sorry about last night," Spinner finally said. "I was kind of a jerk."  
  
Yeah you were, Paige thought to herself. Out loud, she said, "Yeah, I wasn't so nice either. I'm sorry too." She hated apologizing when she didn't think she had anything to be sorry for, but she knew it's what Spinner wanted to hear.  
  
"So, what do we do now?"  
  
Paige shrugged. "We pretend we never fought last night and try not to fight again I guess," she said.  
  
"I don't think that's going to work Paige," Spinner said, sitting down on her desk chair.  
  
"Well then what do you think we should do?" Paige asked.  
  
Spinner hesitated. "You know I really care about you, right?" he asked. Paige nodded, waiting for him to go on. "But this isn't working Paige. For you, or for me," he continued slowly. "So maybe we should just go back to being friends for awhile."  
  
Paige stared at him with her mouth open. "Are you serious?" she asked. "Is that really what you want?"  
  
"No, I don't want that at all," Spinner said. "And I hope you don't either. But maybe we have to. Just until things are better with-"  
  
"You mean until I don't freak out every time you touch me?" Paige finished. "I get it Spin. You don't want a girlfriend who can only hold your hand."  
  
"Paige that's not it at all. But can you tell me you're happy with the way things are going?"  
  
Paige looked down at her hands. "I guess not," she said finally. She kept staring at the carpet.   
  
Spinner walked over to her. "This doesn't mean I'm going to go start dating some random girl you know," he said, reading her mind. "That's not what I'm trying to do at all. We're still going to hang out all the time and I'm still going to annoy the hell out of you just as much as I do now."  
  
"Right," Paige said, without much emotion in her voice. She finally looked up. "You should probably go," she said.  
  
"Paige, come on."  
  
Paige shook her head. "No, Spin, I'm fine. I just don't think you should be here right now. I promise, I'm fine. We can hang out later tonight, okay?"  
  
"Can we go see that new scary movie?"  
  
Paige nodded and managed a small smile. "Sure," she said. "Call me later tonight." She bit down on her lower lip as she watched him walk out of her room. She hated herself so much at that moment. Why couldn't she just be normal? Why couldn't she just get over everything that was wrong with her and move on with her life?  
  
"Spin!" she called, running to her door. But he was already gone. She heard the front door slam and she slid against the wall down to the floor. She put her head in her hands and started to cry. One more guy was gone because she couldn't be a normal girlfriend.  
  
"Paige?" Dylan was standing at the top of the stairs. "What happened?" he asked kneeling down by her.   
  
Paige shook her head. "Spinner and I broke up," she said.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because." It was the easiest answer she could come up with.   
  
Dylan accepted it for now. He would get the real answer out of her later. "Well, come down and have some pizza at least, you've got to be starving."  
  
The last thing on Paige's mind was how hungry she was, but she knew she had to eat to make Dylan happy. She nodded and followed him downstairs to the living room.  
  
After 2 pieces of pizza Paige excused herself and went back upstairs. She locked herself in the bathroom and turned the faucet on. She couldn't believe she was going to do this again, and she silently cursed at her cousin Briana, hoping she could hear her all the way in London. Kneeling down in front of the toilet, Paige stuck her index finger down her throat and for the 2nd time in less than 24 hours, she made herself sick.  
  
And for the 2nd time in less than 24 hours, Dylan was standing outside of the bathroom door listening. Even over the sounds of running water, he could hear exactly what was going on. But this time, he knew what he had to do.  
  
He waited for Paige to emerge from the bathroom and grabbed her arm, forcing her to look at him.  
  
"Dylan, ow! What are you doing?" she asked, yanking her arm away.  
  
Dylan grabbed her arm again. "You and I are going to talk. Right now." He ushered her into her bedroom and shut the door behind them.  
  
"What's going on Paige?" he asked.   
  
"Nothing."  
  
"Don't lie to me Paige. Tell me what's going on. Tell me why you're making yourself sick."  
  
"What are you talking about? I'm not doing that."  
  
"Paige, I know when you're lying. And I know something's been wrong ever since you came back from London. Spinner sees it too. Are you starving yourself?"  
  
"No!" Paige sighed. "You see me eat all the time Dylan. I'm not starving myself."  
  
"Yeah, you eat, but I've heard you making yourself throw up right after." Dylan's voice softened. "Why Paige?"  
  
Paige looked up at Dylan. "Look, maybe I didn't eat as much as I should have this summer," she said defensively. "But I lost all the weight I needed to, and as soon as I did that, I started eating again. Yeah okay, last night I made myself sick. But I swear it was the first time. And I don't know why I did it today, but I promise I won't do it again."  
  
"Paige."  
  
"I mean it Dylan, I swear!" She looked up at him pleadingly. "You can watch me eat every day and everything." She paused. "You aren't going to tell mom are you?"  
  
Dylan looked at her, not sure what he should say. He knew he should tell their mom, but what would Paige do then? "Paige, this is something Mom needs to know," he said.  
  
"Dylan no, please!" Paige begged. "You can't tell Mom! I promise I won't do it anymore, just keep this between us! I'm begging you."  
  
"You promise you're going to stop?" Dylan asked doubtfully.  
  
"I promise on everything sacred." Paige said, crossing her fingers over her heart.  
  
Dylan sighed, knowing he was doing the right thing. "Okay, I won't say anything. But if I find out you're doing anything bad, I'm going straight to her, okay?"  
  
"Deal," Paige said, hugging her older brother. "Thank you so much!"  
  
Once Dylan was back downstairs and Paige was alone in her room she picked up her phone and called Briana. She got her voicemail so she left a message saying to call her back.  
  
Paige lay back against her pillows and closed her eyes. She had to be extremely careful from now on. Dylan knew what was going on and she had to make sure he thought she had stopped. Briana would be able to help her fool everyone.  
  
Paige rolled over and grabbed her journal and pen again.   
  
Telling Dylan might have been a mistake, but at least this way I have some time. And he's not going to tell mom, so that makes it easier too. Briana will know what I have to do, she'll tell me. Until then, I know this. Everyone has to think I'm back to normal still. I have to be "Popular Paige" at all times. And about Spinner, I should try and make things right with him. I don't want him and Dylan talking about me behind my back. No, I just have to keep everyone fooled. It can't be that hard, I'm just going to have to stay on my toes at all times.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Okay okay, this was just a filler chapter. Not much action and not much plot, but I promise, it's vital to the next few chapters; so don't be too harsh in reviewing! But please still review!! 


	4. Everybody's Fool

Life had been hell. Paige couldn't describe it any other way. She had even gone as far as to describe it as "the seventh layer of the twelfth circle of hell to Briana. Briana had listened sympathetically, given her a few helpful hints on how to avoid Dylan, and told her to hang in there, that things would get better soon. And as always, Briana was right.  
  
It was almost three months since Dylan had confronted Paige about her eating habits and as far as Dylan knew, Paige had stopped hurting herself and was back to healthy eating habits. Hiding the truth from Dylan was more difficult than Paige had ever expected. He made sure he was home for every meal, he watched everything she ate, and he would keep an eye on her for nearly two hours after she ate. If she was leaving the house, he knew exactly where she was going.  
  
Nonetheless, Paige hadn't stopped. Now, she was throwing up two, sometimes three, times a day. There were a few days here and there where she didn't eat anything at all, but those were the times it was hardest to hide from Dylan.  
  
Sometimes she wondered why she was doing this to herself. She didn't need to lose the weight anymore. Instead, the times Paige found herself kneeling over a toilet were when something bad happened. When she had gotten a bad grade on something, or when she and her mom had a fight, or when she fought with someone at school. Any tiny bit of stress and the only thing that could calm her down was to make her sick.  
  
Briana was a wealth of knowledge on the subject. She would give Paige lists of food that wouldn't be so harsh when they came back up. She even taught her how to make herself sick on command, without sticking her finger down her throat.  
  
Paige was sure she could stop though. Well, she was pretty sure. She saw what this was doing to Briana and she knew she was far better off. She was still in control while Briana was being controlled. While she hadn't gone a day without doing it, she still knew she could when she had to.  
  
And today she was going to prove it. School had gone unusually well, spirit squad practice had been a lot of fun, and best of all, Spinner had finally agreed to hang out on a "trial-date" that night. For the first time in a long time, Paige's smile was real.  
  
Even her mom noticed her behavior was different when she came home from school. She even agreed to extend Paige's curfew by an hour just this one time.  
  
After working on some homework and talking to Ashley on the phone, Paige started to get ready for her date with Spinner.   
  
When she got out of the shower her cell phone was ringing. "Hello?"  
  
"Hey Paige." It was Briana.   
  
"Hey, what's up?"  
  
"Has my mom called your mom today?"   
  
"Not that I know of, why?"  
  
"My mom is acting all weird and stuff and she keeps looking at me funny, asking if I'm okay and trying to force food down my throat. I was just wondering if maybe Aunt Tammy said something to her."  
  
"Why would my mom say anything?" Paige asked. She didn't like the way Briana sounded. She had never seen her cousin scared or nervous.  
  
"Come on Paige, you choked and spilled to Dylan the second her asked you if anything was wrong. Do you think he honestly didn't say anything to your mom?"  
  
"I know he didn't!" Paige protested. "Briana, I swear, my mom doesn't know anything."  
  
"Well, be careful Paige. Watch yourself the next couple of days. Shit, my mom's on her way upstairs, I've gotta go. Bye." Briana hung up.  
  
Paige sat down on her bed, chewing on her lower lip. If her Aunt Lily knew anything she'd go straight to her mom. And if confronted, Paige didn't know what Briana would say, just to save herself.  
  
She was ready for her date half an hour before Spinner would even be there, so Paige went down to talk to her mom.   
  
Tammy Michalchuk smiled at her. "Just in time Paige!"  
  
"Just in time for what?" Paige sat down at the kitchen table. "Ooh! I smell cookies!"  
  
"Just out of the oven. Your favorite, chocolate chip."  
  
"Yum." Paige leaned over and took a cookie off of the cooling rack. "Took the afternoon off from work today?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah, I finished everything and decided to start my weekend early. How was school today?"  
  
"It was good," Paige said. "Homecoming nominations were announced today."  
  
"You and Spinner?"   
  
Paige nodded. "Yeah." She shrugged. "Us and then Jimmy Brooks and Heather Sinclair." She made a face. "We should probably start looking for a dress now."  
  
Tammy laughed. "Maybe tomorrow we can go look." She paused. "I talked to Lily today," she said casually.  
  
Paige almost choked on her cookie. "Oh yeah?"  
  
"Mmm-hmm. She said Briana's acting strangely. She wondered if maybe you knew anything about it?"  
  
Paige thought for a moment, hoping her mother would think she was trying to think of anything that could help when in reality she was trying to come up with a lie. "Not that I know of," she said lamely. "Maybe she broke up with her boyfriend again? She gets kind of cranky when they fight." She felt bad for lying to her mom, but she didn't know what else to do.  
  
"I don't know." Tammy looked up at the clock. "What time is Spinner picking you up?"  
  
"Any minute now. So what do you think Mom? Are you gonna let Spinner drive me?"  
  
"I guess that would be okay," Tammy agreed. "Your father and I talked about that before he left on his trip and decided it was okay."  
  
The doorbell rang. "That must be him," Paige said, getting up from the table.  
  
"Hey," she said, opening the door and smiling. "Want to come in for a minute? My mom just pulled cookies out of the oven."  
  
Not one to pass up food, Spinner made a mad dash to the kitchen. After a few cookies, the two of them left.  
  
"So what are we doing?" Paige asked.  
  
"I thought we'd go to the Dot for awhile and then we could either go to the movies or there's a party over at Jimmy's," Spinner suggested.  
  
Paige shrugged. "I guess we can decide after we go to the Dot," she said smiling.  
  
At the Dot, Paige was surprised at how busy it was. Pretty much everyone from school was there, and she was surprised when Spinner pulled her over into a corner booth away from their friends.  
  
"Trial-date, remember?" He asked, grinning at her. Paige laughed.  
  
Things were going better than Paige thought they would. She managed to eat pizza with Spinner and didn't even think twice about excusing herself to go to the bathroom. After splitting a bowl of ice cream for dessert, they decided to head out to Jimmy's party.  
  
The house was packed. Paige would have guessed that students from two high schools other than Degrassi were there.   
  
After an hour or so, Paige was starting to get warm and needed some air, so she told Spinner that she was going to go outside for a bit. She was surprised when he followed her.  
  
"Let's go in the backyard," Spinner suggested. He pulled her around the house and over to something in the far corner of the yard.  
  
Paige laughed. "Jimmy has a trampoline?" she asked.  
  
Spinner laughed too. "Hey, don't knock it, it's fun." He climbed up onto it and then helped her up. Instead of jumping, they just sat there.  
  
"You look great tonight," Spinner said sincerely. He had been watching her all night and was pretty positive that Dylan was right when he said Paige had gotten over whatever had been bothering her.  
  
Paige smiled. "Thanks." She turned to look at him. "So are we having a good time tonight?" she asked.  
  
"I am. Are you?"  
  
Paige nodded, looking up at the stars. "I am too," she agreed. She smiled, not looking over at him again. "You can do it, you know," she said softly. "I'm not going to stop you."  
  
"Stop me from what?" Spinner asked, moving closer so that their knees touched. She only shrugged, turning to face him. Leaning towards each other, they kissed.  
  
And this time, Paige didn't pull away. And she wasn't scared. This time, it was right.  
  
The moment was ruined by Paige's phone ringing. "Oops," she said, pulling away, She smiled sheepishly and answered the phone. "Hello?"  
  
"Paige, it's Mom."  
  
"Mom!" Instinctively, Paige sat up and straightened her clothing. "Is everything okay?"  
  
"Paige, I need you to come home as soon as possible." Tammy's voice sounded strange.  
  
"Mom, what's wrong?"  
  
"Paige, don't argue. Home now." The line went dead.  
  
Paige looked up at Spinner. "That was my mom, she wants me home right now."  
  
"Let's go."  
  
"Do you want me to come in with you?" Spinner asked as they walked up to her front door. Paige nodded. She took a deep breath and opened the door.  
  
"Mom?"  
  
Her mom was in the living room with Dylan. Paige's stomach turned when she saw what Tammy was holding in her hands.  
  
"Why do you have my journal?" she demanded, trying to sound angry and not scared.  
  
Dylan stood up. "You lied to me Paige. You promised me, and all you've done for three months now is lie to me."  
  
"Paige, is it true?" Tammy asked, "Are you really doing this to yourself?"  
  
"Doing what?"  
  
"Save it Paige," Dylan snapped. "I already told her and it's in your journal."  
  
"Why don't you stay out of this?" Paige yelled. "You are not my dad!"  
  
"Yeah well, Dad's not here, is he?"  
  
"Quiet!" Tammy snapped. She stood up and walked over to Paige. "Honey, Lily called me an hour ago. Briana's in the hospital."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"I think you know," Tammy said gently. "She passed out and fell down a flight of stairs. Honey, Briana's very sick. But you know that already. Lily said that she found Briana's diary and you were mentioned in it. She told me to look for yours."  
  
"So you just went through my things? How could you?"  
  
"Paige stop!" Tammy said. "You can't lie anymore, okay? I read your journal, the secret's out."  
  
"What secret?" Spinner asked. He put his hand on Paige's shoulder. She refused to look at him.   
  
Tammy took a deep breath. "Paige, I've already called and made arrangements for you to get help, okay?"  
  
"I don't need any help," Paige spit out.  
  
"Yes you do. Paige, what you're doing can kill you! Do you realize that? Do you know how much you're hurting yourself?"  
  
"I'm fine!" Paige protested. "Look at me. Do I look sick?"  
  
Tammy looked at her sadly. "You're starving yourself. Paige, you're making yourself throw up. Yes, you're sick."  
  
"Paige?" Spinner sounded shocked. She still couldn't look at him.  
  
Tammy kept talking. "You need help, and I found a place. Paige, we need to go, I already packed your bag."  
  
"Where are we going?"  
  
"I'm admitting you to a hospital for a few days. Three to be exact."  
  
"A hospital? What kind of hospital?" Paige was angry.  
  
"A rehabilitation center that deals with eating disorders."  
  
"I don't have an eating disorder!" Paige cried. "Mom, you have to believe me! Maybe this summer I was sick, but I'm not anymore, I swear!"  
  
"Isn't that what you told me three months ago?" Dylan asked. Paige just looked at him. He shook his head and looked at their mom. "I'm going to go start the car."  
  
Paige was crying now. "Mom, don't do this," she pleaded.  
  
Tammy was crying too. "I have to," she said. "It's only three days Paige. You'll be home before you know it. Come on, we have to go."  
  
Knowing she couldn't argue, Paige turned to Spinner finally. She could only look at him while her mom took her arm and ushered her out of the house.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Perfect by nature  
  
Icons of self indulgence  
  
Just what we all need  
  
more lies about a world that  
  
Never was and never will be  
  
Have you no shame don't you see me  
  
You know you've got everybody fooled  
  
Look here she comes now  
  
bow down and stare in wonder  
  
Oh how we love you  
  
No flaws when you're pretending  
  
but now I know she  
  
Never was and never will be  
  
You don't know how you've betrayed me  
  
and somehow you've got everybody fooled  
  
Without the mask where will you hide  
  
Can't find yourself lost in your lie   
  
I know the truth now  
  
I know who you are  
  
and I don't love you anymore  
  
It never was and never will be  
  
you're not real and you can't save me  
  
Somehow now you're everybody's fool  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Everybody's Fool is by Evanescence and is on the CD Fallen. Hope you guys liked this chapter, you know what to do now... review review review!! 


	5. Ana's Friends

Paige sat unmoving in the hard metal chair as her mother finished signing the paperwork the doctors were having her fill out. Jaw set and hands clenched tightly at her side Paige was like a brick wall. She refused to look at anyone, much less say anything to anyone. The doctor said something to her mother who nodded and stood up. As she hugged Paige, Paige saw her eyes were red rimmed and puffy. She didn't hug her mother back, and she willed herself not to cry as Tammy whispered that she loved her and would see her in three days. And then she was gone.  
  
"Paige?" The doctor's voice was gentle. "It's late, so I'm going to take you right to your room so you can get settled and get some sleep before your first session tomorrow." She picked up Paige's suitcase. "Come on."  
  
Having no choice, Paige followed her up a flight of stairs and then down a long hallway. The doctor stopped abruptly in front of a closed door and knocked lightly before opening it.  
  
"Jessica? Still awake?"  
  
A blonde head snapped up from the magazine she was reading. "Hey Dr. Powers. Is this my new roommate?"  
  
"Yes. Paige, this is Jessica. Jessica, Paige. Paige, Jessie's been here awhile now so I'll let her explain how things work around here. A nurse will be by in the morning to take you to your first session. 9 sharp, so be up and dressed. Good night girls." The door shut close again.  
  
Jessica stood up and surveyed Paige for a second. "Friend of Ana's," she decided, in what was more of a statement than a question.  
  
"Excuse me?" Paige asked in a tired voice. She looked at the girl, noticing how skinny she was.  
  
"Ana." Jessica looked at her again. "Oh. Maybe not then." She sat back down on her bed and motioned for Paige to sit next to her. "Anorexia," she clarified. "Or for short, Ana." She smiled at Paige's blank stare. "By calling it Ana, sometimes adults don't really realize what you're talking about. After my first 3-day vacation I went home and my mom asked if I made any friends. I didn't know I was supposed to make friends at rehab so I told her about Ana and Ed and that got her off my back. Problem now is she knows who both of them are."  
  
"Ed?" Paige couldn't decide if this girl's babbling was because she was friendly or just plain insane.  
  
"Eating disorder." Jessica laughed. "Are you sure you should be here? You don't seem to know a lot about what's wrong with you. Let me guess. You needed to lose 10 pounds in time for the big dance and instead of dieting, just starved yourself and when mommy found out she freaked and put you in here?" Jessica rolled her eyes. "I hate when girls like you show up."  
  
Paige glared at her, in true Paige fashion. "That's not what happened," she said.  
  
"Well then what? I mean, dieting get out of hand or are we talking Lifetime Movie?"  
  
Paige rolled her eyes. "I don't want to talk about it," she said.  
  
"Well get used to it. All we do here is talk. And you have first session in the morning with Olivia. She loves talking. And I'm sure after lunch you have group session with me and the other girls. All you're going to do for the next 3 days is talk, and if you can't tell me what's wrong with you here in our bedroom, how do you expect to tell everyone else?"  
  
"I don't want to tell anyone!" Paige finally burst out. "I don't want to be here, I don't need to be here, and I just want to get through these 3 days and go home, okay?"  
  
Jessica shook her head sympathetically. "Hon, they aren't going to let you out at the end if you don't make it seem like you want to get better. Why do you think I'm still here?"  
  
"How long have you been here?" Paige asked softly.   
  
"Almost a year." She brushed off the look of pity Paige gave her. "It's fine, I don't mind it here. As long as I'm here, I'm alive, you know?"  
  
Paige nodded, not sure what to say.  
  
Jessica smiled at her. "I'm sorry for being so harsh on you as soon as you came in the door. It was kind of my test to see how you can handle yourself and you passed. You'll do fine while you're here. And maybe we'll talk more once you let me know what your story is." She looked at the clock. "But it's getting late, and you have to be up bright and early, so we should get some sleep. Your bed is that one by the window."  
  
Paige changed into her pajamas and crawled into bed. She still couldn't believe she was here and she wasn't sure how she was going to get through the next three days.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
~*~Day One: Morning~*~  
  
"Paige?"  
  
Paige looked up at the nurse standing in the doorway. "Yeah?"  
  
"I'm here to take you to see Ms. Fields now. Are you ready?"  
  
Paige looked over at Jessica who smiled and nodded encouragingly at her. "Go on Paige, I'll wait for you to come back before lunch and I'll introduce you to some people before group."  
  
Paige sighed and followed the nurse out of the room.   
  
"Hi! You must be Paige! I'm Ms. Fields." A slender blonde dressed in jeans and a t-shirt was standing in front of them. She didn't look like any doctor Paige had ever seen. Paige only nodded and followed her into her office.  
  
"Have a seat anywhere," the woman said, smiling warmly and gesturing to the cozy atmosphere. The room didn't look like a doctor's office either, Paige noticed, but more like a living room. She sat gingerly on one of the couches.  
  
Ms. Fields sat next to her. "Well let's get introductions out of the way first. I'm Olivia Fields, and I'm a counselor here, but I'm not a doctor. Not yet anyways. You can call me Ms. Fields if that's what you want, but I prefer Olivia. And after you're more comfortable with me, I'm pretty sure you'll be calling me Liv like everyone else does."  
  
Paige only nodded.   
  
Olivia smiled. "I could tell you weren't much of a talker when you came in. Let's see if what I know about you is correct though. Your name is Paige, you're in the 11th grade, and you're here because your mom put you here."  
  
"Don't you mean because I have an eating disorder?" Paige asked bitterly.  
  
"Maybe, but from what I'm guessing, you've had the eating disorder for a long time now, and the only reason you're here is because your mom found out. Is that right?"  
  
Paige nodded again.  
  
"So tell me then Paige. Do you think your mom did the right thing?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because she doesn't know," Paige said softly. She looked up at Olivia. "Whatever I say, my mom doesn't find out, does she?"  
  
"Only if you tell her."  
  
Paige nodded. "I wasn't going to do it anymore," she said, looking down at her hands. "I didn't do it at all yesterday and I didn't want to anymore."  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"Throw up." Paige traced the pattern on the couch with her fingers.   
  
"Do you do that often?"  
  
Paige shrugged. "I guess."  
  
Olivia stared at her for a moment. "Once a day?" A nod. "Twice a day?" Another one. "More than that?"  
  
"Sometimes." Paige finally looked up. "But I told you, I'm stopping. I don't want to do it anymore."  
  
"What's making you want to stop?"  
  
Paige laughed. "I never wanted to do it in the first place Olivia," she said.   
  
"Okay then, what made you do it?"  
  
Paige stayed silent, not wanting to bring up all the bad things that had happened in the past year.   
  
Olivia saw she wasn't going to get an answer and backtracked. "Okay you know what, we don't need to talk about this right now. Let's talk about other stuff."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Whatever you want. I want to know about your life Paige. Your family, your boyfriend, school, friends, whatever you want to talk about."  
  
Finally, the hour was up and Paige was free to leave. She still didn't understand why Olivia had spent the entire hour talking about everything but the reason she was here, but she wasn't going to force the issue. Olivia was an okay person and she didn't mind it when Olivia told her they'd be meeting again later on in the afternoon.  
  
Back in her room Paige found Jessica wasn't alone. There were 3 other people in there, all of them just as skinny as Jessica.  
  
"So how was Olivia?" Jessica asked.  
  
Paige shrugged. "She seems cool." She felt self-conscious as she noticed all the eyes on her.  
  
"Yeah, she's one of the best ones here. Paige, meet some friends. Karen, Julie, and Stacey. Girls, this is Paige, the newest winner of a 3 day vacation to the lovely Forest Hills Rehab Center."  
  
"So what's your story?" Julie, the redhead asked.  
  
"Save it," Jessica said. "She doesn't want to share until group forces her to. But she's one of us girls. She might not be a membership-paying member, but she's at least an honorary one.  
  
Paige looked at Jessica, terrified that she was right. Sure, she wasn't as sick as these girls, but what if she got that way?  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
~*~Day Two: Afternoon~*~  
  
It was her 2nd day at Forest Hills and still, Paige hadn't shared anything about why she was here with the other girls. She had been to 4 group therapy sessions and 6 private ones, but she still hadn't said anything. Mainly, she just listened to the other girls' stories.  
  
Karen was bulimic. She had been since she was 12 and she was 18 now. She had always been overweight as a child and her mother had never let her forget it, so she dieted to make her family happy. As she started losing weight, she got more attention, and that started her cycle.  
  
Stacey was anorexic and had been for almost 3 years. She was a model and her agency had threatened to drop her if she didn't lose 5 pounds. And then they told her to lose more. And then more. One day during a shoot she passed out. She was brought to Forest Hills weighing only 82 pounds, and that was 6 months ago. Now, she weighed 90 and still thought she was fat.  
  
Jessica's story was the one that Paige listened to the most though. When Jessica was 8 years old, her mother remarried and they moved to Canada to live with her stepfather. He had always been affectionate with Jessica, but once she turned 12, his affection got out of hand. He began molesting her, and did so for almost 4 years. He constantly told her how perfect her body was and how much he loved it. That's when Jessica began starving herself. She thought that if she could take the body her stepfather was so in love with and turn it into something ugly then he would leave her alone.  
  
"Weren't you scared of hurting yourself?" a small girl with glasses asked Jessica.  
  
Jessica shook her head. "I was more scared of what he did to me. I knew that if I didn't have the body he craved, he would leave me alone." She laughed harshly. "I didn't know he had a thing for young girls either though, so the thinner I got, the more excited he got. So I tried the opposite then. I gained weight. Thought maybe being fat would turn him off. Turns out though, being fat wasn't something I could handle very well, and that's when I started puking up dinner to get thin again."  
  
"Did he leave you alone?" the same girl asked.  
  
Jessica smiled grimly. "Only when I called the cops on his sorry ass. But then I had to go through the trial and that was hell. My life spun out of control and I needed something familiar, and well, starve yourself for that long and it becomes-"  
  
"Comforting."  
  
The word, along with the new voice shocked the whole group into silence. Seven pairs of eyes turned to the origin of the voice.  
  
Jessica smiled approvingly at Paige. "Exactly. Comforting. And you know, maybe it's as simple as saying that old habits die hard." She shrugged. Then she looked at the group leader. "Isn't the hour up yet? I feel like I've talked for an hour."  
  
The leader nodded. "Yes, as usual, Jess you ran the group. But hey Paige, good to hear you say something finally. Maybe we can talk to you tomorrow?"  
  
Paige just nodded and got up with the rest of the girls and headed back to her room. Jessica wasn't far behind.  
  
"You shocked me when you spoke up in there," she said, closing the door. "I was beginning to think you were going to be mute through all sessions."  
  
"Believe me, I wanted to," Paige said, lying down on her bed.  
  
"Well, I'm glad you cracked. Believe it or not, group does work."  
  
"Then why are you still here?"  
  
Jessica smiled sadly. "I'm broken," she said simply. "And they still aren't sure how to fix me. So I hang out here until they know."  
  
Paige nodded. "What happened to you...what you said in there...I'm sorry."  
  
"Yeah, me too," Jessica said honestly. "But I got his ass serving 40plus years in prison, so I sleep better at night."  
  
Paige nodded. She was beginning to feel like one of those bobbing head dolls from all the nodding she did in this place. "My rapist got 15," she said softly.  
  
Jessica stretched out on the bed next to her. "Did you put him there?"   
  
"Yes."  
  
"Good girl. Is that how everything started?"  
  
Paige thought for a moment. "I guess so," she said slowly, not sure if it was. "I mean, I hated myself after the rape and I hated anyone that tried to get close to me, so when this new guy started to show interest a few months later, I don' t know, I guess I was ready. We started dating and things were fine."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
Paige shrugged. "I caught him in bed with another girl. He didn't like that I wouldn't sleep with him and thought I should just get over the rape so he slept with her instead." She looked over at Jessica. "That's when I hit the lowest point," she admitted. "I stopped caring about everything. I dropped out of all extracurriculars, I stopped hanging out with my friends, I didn't care what I looked like anymore."  
  
"And you gained some weight?"  
  
"Twenty pounds give or take. So my mom sent me to stay with my aunt and my cousin for the summer. To get away from everything bad, I guess. Well, my cousin took me under her wing and yeah, taught me how to do this." At the mention of Briana, Paige remembered that she was in the hospital. "Briana and I kept things a secret for awhile, but the other night, her mom found out and called my mom, and that's how I ended up here."  
  
"How long did it take you to lose the weight?"  
  
"Just the summer."  
  
"Why did you keep doing it then?"  
  
"You know why Jess."  
  
Jessica nodded. "Control."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
~*~Day Three: Evening~*~   
  
"Control?"  
  
"I hate that word," Paige said, looking up. It was the next evening, and she was in her final session with Olivia. She had just finished telling her everything she had told Jessica the day before. And earlier that day, she had told everyone in group. Paige was tired of talking.  
  
"What makes you hate it?"  
  
"It's like an obsession, you know?" Paige asked. "I needed to be in control, and I was. And when I wasn't, and things didn't go my way, I found a way to be in control. Look where it got me."  
  
Olivia smiled sympathetically. "You've come a long way in these past 3 days Paige, do you realize that?"  
  
"Did I?" Paige tried not to sound shocked, but she was. She didn't think she had made any progress.  
  
Olivia nodded. "Think about it. You wouldn't talk at all when you first got here, and look at how many people you talked to today about it. I'm not saying you're cured Paige, miracles like that don't happen in only 3 days. But I do believe you're on your way and you have a chance. You can fight this Paige. You can gain control again."  
  
Paige smiled. "Does this mean I get to go home?"  
  
"Yes, on the condition that you agree either to keep seeing me on a weekly basis, or going to a group session once a week."  
  
Paige thought for a moment. "Can I see you on Wednesday?" she asked.  
  
"Wednesday it is." Olivia smiled. "We're done here for tonight. Why don't you go get your things and I'll call for a nurse to have you checked out."  
  
Paige stopped in the doorway. "Olivia?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Thank you." And then Paige headed back to her room where Jessica was waiting.  
  
"Going home?" Jessica asked.  
  
"Yeah, they're doing the paperwork right now."  
  
"Good for you," Jessica said sincerely. "You impressed me Paige. I don't want to see you back in here, okay?"  
  
Paige smiled at her. "Email me sometime?" she asked.  
  
Jessica nodded. "Take care of yourself Girly. Don't let Ana get you down." She hugged her and left for her group meeting.  
  
The nurse came and got Paige and escorted her out into the reception area.   
  
"Paige!" Tammy rushed to her and enveloped her in her arms. "I'm so happy to see you."  
  
Paige hugged her mom for a long minute before pulling away. "I missed you too Mom. Let's go home."  
  
Tammy chattered nervously the whole ride home, about how everyone was so worried about her and had been so relieved to hear she was coming home and couldn't wait to see her. She explained that they were all waiting back at the house for her. Her dad had cut his trip short, and Dylan was there, along with all of her friends from school.  
  
Everyone wasn't there though. She searched the room up and down for the one pair of eyes she wanted to see and they weren't there, Spinner wasn't there.  
  
After an hour or so of playing "happy normal" Paige, she excused herself, saying she wanted to change her clothes. She ran upstairs, barely making it to her bedroom before she started crying.  
  
He wasn't here. He didn't even come to see her the first night she was out of the hospital. Why? The questions came quicker than she could keep up with and she found herself crying even harder. She had to stop. She had to make the crying stop.  
  
Just once. No one would know if she did it just once. She already knew she could stop. She proved that when she went three whole days without doing it. Just once and no one would know any different. She opened her bedroom door and headed for the bathroom, still crying.  
  
She collided with something strong and solid, but it wasn't the door. She looked up and saw Spinner standing in front of it.  
  
"Going somewhere?" he asked, no trace of amusement in his voice.  
  
Paige took a deep breath, brushing the tears from her eyes. "Spin. Yeah, the bathroom...I wanted to wash my face. At least get rid of the mascara smears."  
  
Spinner didn't buy it. "Was that all?" he asked.  
  
Paige shook her head. "No," she said quietly. "Spin, you weren't here. Why weren't you here?"  
  
"I wasn't here so you were going to do it again?"   
  
"No!" Paige closed her eyes. "It's not just that," she said.  
  
"Are you sure? Because I don't want to be the one responsible for you hurting yourself."  
  
Paige shook her head. "No one understands," she said weakly. "Everyone's down there, and all they can do is tell me how proud they are of me, how strong I am, and how everything's going to be fine now. They don't know! I'm not better. Not yet. And they don't get that. And then, you weren't there and I thought you were mad at me and-"  
  
Spinner wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly. "I'm here," he said soothingly. "And believe me, no one thinks this is easy for you Paige. But what we do know is that you're a fighter. And you have to fight this. We're here to help you Paige, but you know you have to do this on your own."  
  
Paige nodded, not caring that she was leaving tearstains all over the front of his shirt. "I'm trying," she whispered.  
  
"Good." He kissed the top of her head. "Because if you have to leave again for 3 more days, I don't know how I can keep the rumors down to a dull roar. And trust me, there were some good ones this time."  
  
Paige laughed. And right there, sitting on the hallway floor, she knew Spinner was right. She had to fight this.  
  
But she knew it wasn't going to be easy. 


	6. Visiting Briana

"Paige, are you sure you want to do this?" Tammy asked, looking sideways at Paige, who was fidgeting nervously in the passenger's seat.  
  
Paige nodded, twisting her hair around her index finger. "I'm sure," she said. They were parked outside of the hospital that Briana was staying at.  
  
"Okay then," Tammy said. "But remember what Aunt Lily told you. Briana's in pretty bad shape."  
  
"I know," Paige said. They left the parking garage and went inside. After finding the children's ward, Tammy settled herself in the waiting room and Paige went to Briana's room. This hospital was nothing like Forrest Hills. This one was dim and cold and unfriendly.  
  
Standing in the doorway looking in, Paige had to cover her mouth to keep from gasping too loudly. She knocked lightly.  
  
Briana opened her eyes and turned her head slightly. "Hey," she said weakly. "I've been waiting for you to show up."  
  
Paige smiled and sat down gingerly on the bed next to her. "I wanted to come sooner but mom wouldn't let me."  
  
"Yeah." Briana coughed lightly. "Mom said you had a little hospital stay too."  
  
Paige nodded. "Looks like mine went a little better than yours did," she said. "Briana what happened?" she asked quietly.  
  
Briana shrugged. "I was doing fine," she insisted. "And then I don't know what happened. Before I knew it, I was eating only a handful of cheerios with 3 cans of Diet Coke and lots of water a day."  
  
Paige bit her lip hard. "Why?" She asked.  
  
"Why not?" Briana looked out the window. "So yeah, the day I talked to you was when it caught up with me I guess. I was standing at the top of the steps ready to go downstairs and I got lightheaded and dizzy and the next thing I knew, I woke up here."  
  
Paige shifted her gaze and she wanted to cry when her eyes landed on an object lying on the table next to Briana's bed. "Briana, a feeding tube?" she whispered.  
  
Briana nodded. "Believe me Paige, you don't want one of those," she said. "I mean, if you think throwing up hurts your throat, then a feeding tube might kill you,"  
  
"Briana, that's not funny."  
  
Briana sighed. "Yeah, I didn't think you'd think so. So what now? You're cured? You're 100% perfect again?"  
  
"Hardly," Paige answered. She looked down at her hands. "I mean, it's only been 2 weeks since I got out of the hospital, but I haven't done anything bad since then. Every day I want to. Really badly. But I don't." She shrugged. "I still want to though."  
  
Briana nodded. "They think keeping me here in the hospital will make me better, but they don't watch me 24 hours a day so I'm still doing it."  
  
Paige looked at her cousin. She couldn't weigh more than 80 pounds, her hair was limp and dull, and her skin was yellowish. She was a far cry from the beautiful vibrant girl Paige spent the summer with.  
  
"Paige?" the voice shook her out of her thoughts.  
  
"I'm sorry what?"  
  
"I asked you if you were going to tell on me."  
  
Paige sighed. "Briana, come on... don't do this to me."  
  
"No. No Paige. I didn't tell anyone about you, you have to do the same for me. Besides, it's not like I can get much worse while I'm in the hospital. They'll just throw the tube back down my throat." She smiled tightly. "It was a joke Paige."  
  
"It wasn't funny," Paige said softly.  
  
"Fine." Briana's voice became firm. "Paige, I mean it. You can't tell anyone what I just told you."  
  
Paige shook her head. "Okay," she said, her voice barely audible. "I won't say anything," she promised.  
  
"Thanks," Briana said. "Well now that we got that out of the way, tell me what's going on with you and Spinner."  
  
After about an hour visiting hours were up and Paige had to leave. Briana wouldn't let her go until she promised once more that she wouldn't say anything to her mom or her aunt.  
  
"You're awfully quiet," Tammy said to Paige in the car on their way home.  
  
Paige looked at her mom. "That could be me," she said. "I could be the one in the hospital bed right now."  
  
"Oh honey." Tammy sighed. "Are you doing okay?" she asked. "I mean really honestly okay?"  
  
"Mostly," Paige said honestly. "I still feel tempted sometimes, but I promise you, I've been good since I got back home."  
  
"And how is therapy going?"  
  
"Good," Paige said. "Olivia's really cool and she's helping me figure out a lot of stuff." So that last part wasn't true. Paige still really didn't open up to Olivia as much as Olivia hoped she would.  
  
Tammy reached over and patted her knee. "I know I don't say it every day Paige, but I really am so proud of you. You're dealing with this better than I think I would and I just wanted you to know that."  
  
Paige just stared out the window. "Thanks Mom."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"She looked horrible Spin," Paige said, resting her head on his shoulder. It was later that night and they were in her living room. Technically, they were supposed to be doing homework, but the TV was on so Geometry was pretty much forgotten.  
  
Spinner took his eyes off of Room Raiders. "So she's not doing well?" he asked.  
  
Paige shook her head. "She just seemed like she didn't care anymore. It's like she's giving up and I don't think there's anything I can do about it."  
  
"I don't understand," he said, turning his full attention to her. "I mean she's in the hospital. You were in the hospital and you're getting better."  
  
"I don't think she wants to get better," Paige said, remembering everything she and Briana talked about.  
  
"Why wouldn't she want to get better?" Spinner asked. He had been doing his best to try to understand everything that she was going through. He had been researching it and talking about it with Paige and was doing all he could to be there for her.  
  
"I don't know," Paige said. She remembered the phrase Jessica had said to her back at Forrest Hills. "I'm broken." "I don't know," she repeated.  
  
"Well, you'll just have to do your best to help her get through this," Spinner said. He stretched. "I'm going to get a soda, you want one?"  
  
Paige nodded. "Mom said there's cake in the fridge if you want some," she called after him.  
  
He came back with 2 sodas and one piece of cake with 2 forks. "Thought we could share a piece," he offered.   
  
She grinned. "I already had some today," she said. She rolled her eyes at the look on his face. "I swear, I had a big piece after dinner. Well, before dinner really." She sighed when he didn't stop looking at her. "Okay fine. I had half a piece."  
  
"Half a piece?"  
  
"Okay okay! 6 bites," she said relenting. "But to be fair, I'd only have eaten that much before any of this anyways. You know I don't like a lot of sweet stuff."  
  
"I forgot about that," Spinner said. "But come on, this is like, heaven in your mouth. Just have a bite."  
  
Paige rolled her eyes again. "All right," she said, picking up the fork and taking a bite. "Happy now?"  
  
Spinner grinned. "Heaven in your mouth, right?" he asked.  
  
Paige laughed. "Heaven in my mouth," she agreed. She leaned forward and kissed his nose. "Thank you," she said.  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For everything," she said simply. She kissed him again. "We should get back to Geometry," she said finally.  
  
Spinner groaned. "Cuz after that, the first thing I want to think about is homework."  
  
"Deal with it. We won't pass this test if we don't study."  
  
After a few hours Spinner went home and Paige went upstairs to her room to study some more. She would have stayed in the living room, but Dylan and his friend Sam came in to play X-Box.  
  
Up in her room Paige didn't even open her math book. Instead, she turned on her computer and started browsing websites. Against her better judgment, she found herself typing the words "Pro-Ana" into the web browser.  
  
She watched as all of the sites popped up on the screen. There were thousands of them. Curious, she clicked on one. It didn't work, so she clicked another. She found several broken links before she found one that actually went to a site.  
  
And what a site it was. Entitled Ana's Way of Life, it was a wealth of knowledge that Paige had never known existed. As she searched the whole site, she found stories from girls who were struggling with eating disorders, girls that overcame eating disorders, tips on how to hide eating disorders from everyone else, how to lie to doctors, how to tell therapists what they wanted to hear and make it believable, lists of foods that had the least amount of calories and fat grams, and foods that were easy to throw up after eating. Basically, this site was a How-To Guide to becoming an anorexic/bulimic. There was even a chat room but Paige didn't dare enter it.  
  
Instead, she found herself writing down some of the things she was finding on the site. After an hour of reading live journals and personal testimonies, Paige was confused. These girls were all either starving themselves or binging and purging, and they were fine. They were healthy enough to be at home and writing these stories at least. The way everything was portrayed, it wasn't an eating disorder, but an extreme diet.  
  
Paige looked up from the computer and saw that she had been sitting there for almost 3 hours. She rubbed her eyes and stood up and stretched. She wandered into the bathroom and washed off all of her make-up and brushed her teeth. She eyed the scale that was peeking out from underneath the bathtub, finally pulling it out.  
  
She took a deep breath and undressed before stepping onto the scale. She bit her lip and looked down. 102 pounds. Last summer before everything she weighed 115. She didn't lose that much, she was still fine.  
  
She opened the bathroom door and ran smack into Dylan. "Jeez! Are you stalking me or something?" she asked, startled.  
  
"Right, because I have nothing better to do." Dylan stuck his tongue out at her. "Nope, just coming upstairs to go to bed, that's all."  
  
"And listening to make sure I wasn't in there puking my guts up?"  
  
Dylan scrunched his face up. "That's a disgusting way to put it. But maybe I was doing that."  
  
Paige smirked and punched his arm. "I'm fine, you don't have to worry."  
  
"Yeah, I do." He paused. "So Mom said you went and saw Briana today."  
  
Paige nodded. She sat down cross-legged on the hallway floor and Dylan followed. "Yeah. It was pretty bad," she admitted.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"She's sick. I mean really sick. She had to have a feeding tube. And she looked so skinny I'm sure I could pick her up and throw her over my shoulder." Paige looked down. "What if I become like that?" she whispered.   
  
"You're not going to," Dylan said simply. "You're going to keep working until you're better and you're not going to give up and we're all going to be here to help you through this."  
  
Paige sighed. She wanted to tell Dylan what Briana had made her promise not to say, but she didn't.   
  
Dylan smiled at her. "I gotta get to bed, see you in the morning?"  
  
"Yeah. Good-night." She went into her bedroom and crawled into bed. She tried to sleep but all she could think about was that website.   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Author's Note ~ This is just a quick disclaimer. There are hundreds of Pro-Anorexia websites on the Net and while they're shut down daily, more pop up within hours. These sites glorify and humanize eating disorders as a normal part of life and really are how-to guides. I in no way, shape, or form support these websites, but the exact opposite. Also, I just wanted to say that I know this chapter had not a lot to do with moving the story ahead, but in the next coming chapters it will. The whole website thing is going to play a big part in the next chapter. You know the rules. Review Review Review! 


	7. Forrest Hills, part 2

Paige had a headache. She had spent the last week and a half preparing her Media Immersions presentation, which was due today. Finishing the project had been a lot harder than she thought it would be so she had resorted to one thing. She had broken her project down into 4 nights' work, and for those 4 nights, she hadn't let herself eat dinner until she was done with what needed to be done that night. And usually, by the time she was finished with her homework, she wasn't even hungry. One of the things she had learned from all of the websites she had been reading every night was that while using food, as punishment was useful, withholding food was even more successful. And sure enough, her project was 100% complete.   
  
"Hey Paige, wait up!"  
  
Paige stopped in the middle of the hallway and turned to wait for Ashley to catch up with her. "Hey Ash, what's up?"  
  
"Nothing much. So, is your MI presentation all ready to go?" Ashley asked. They walked into the MI Lab.  
  
Paige nodded. "Yeah, I stayed up til like, 3 this morning working on it." She stumbled slightly as they walked to their desks. She laughed nervously. "I'm a little tired if you can't tell," she said. She smiled as Spinner sat down next to her. "Hey you."  
  
"Hey." He looked at her. "Are you feeling okay? You look a little pale."  
  
Paige shrugged. "I didn't get much sleep last night, stayed up late working on this project," she said. "How's yours?"  
  
"Awesome," Spinner said proudly. "Wait til you hear it."  
  
She smiled. "Can't wait." She closed her eyes, trying to relieve some of the pressure in her head.   
  
"Paige?"  
  
She opened her eyes and the room swam a little bit. "What?" she asked.  
  
Spinner put his hand on her shoulder. "Paige, you don't look so great. Are you sure you're okay?"   
  
Paige nodded, making the room spin more. "I'm fine," she insisted.  
  
"I don't know. I think Ashley or I should take you to the nurse," Spinner said. He raised his hand, trying to get Mr. Simpson's attention.  
  
"I said I'm fine!" Paige repeated, her voice rising with a little bit of anger.  
  
Ashley and Spinner exchanged a look. "I saw that," Paige said irritably.  
  
"Paige, why don't you want to go see the nurse?" Ashley asked. "Any other time, you'd do anything to get out of doing a class project."  
  
"What's going on?" Spinner asked cautiously. "When's the last time you ate Paige?"  
  
To be honest, Paige wasn't sure. Well, she had had an orange yesterday and some sunflower seeds, and the day before she had a couple oatmeal cookies. It was probably 3 days since she had had actual food. Dylan had been too busy with hockey practice these last few days to pay much attention to what she was doing, and after they had visited Briana, Tammy was positive Paige didn't want to end up like that, so she never even questioned her anymore. Paige couldn't believe how easy everything had become. Even Spinner didn't press the subject as often anymore.  
  
"Paige?" Spinner repeated his question.  
  
"I ate dinner yesterday," Paige lied. She rolled her eyes. "Would you like to know food group by food group what I had to eat?" she asked sarcastically.  
  
"Yeah, I do," Spinner said. Paige opened and shut her mouth a few times before finally answering.  
  
"So what?" She finally burst out, her voice a little louder than she intended. "So what, I missed one meal! It's not like it's going to kill me."  
  
"Yes it will Paige!" Ashley said.  
  
Paige turned around and faced her friend. "You don't know what you're talking about," she snapped. "Neither of you do. I missed a meal because I was busy with homework, not because I was intentionally not eating."  
  
"How many times did you do that this week?" Spinner asked.  
  
"If you care so damn much about what I eat, why aren't you watching me eat every single meal? Because last I noticed, you haven't asked me about any of this in a few days now," she said.  
  
Spinner shook his head. "Paige stop. Don't make a scene."  
  
"It's a little too late for that," she said. She stood up. "I'm out of here." She didn't care that class was about to start, or that Mr. Simpson was staring at her.  
  
She made it halfway down the hallway when her vision started to darken. She could hear her blood rushing in her ears and her heart was pounding. She slowed down and leaned against a row of lockers to steady herself, but then everything went black and she felt herself slipping.  
  
In the MI Lab Spinner asked Mr. Simpson if he could go after her to make sure she was okay. He left the classroom just in time to see Paige faint. He yelled for Mr. Simpson to help him and ran over to her.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
As Paige woke up she heard several voices. They were talking softly and it took a few seconds for her to process and distinguish the voices apart from one another. She kept her eyes closed and listened.  
  
"...Once she wakes up, we can learn more, but Mrs. Michalchuk, given past history, your daughter needs help. It's apparent that she's not responding to outpatient treatment and my recommendation is that she be admitted to Forrest Hills again. This time for 7 days."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Paige stared at the wall. She hadn't given the doctors at St. Victoria's Hospital a lot of answers, and instead of pushing her; they just released her and had her transferred to Forrest Hills. She had been here for 3 hours now. She didn't have to go to any group or solo visits today, they just wanted her to rest.  
  
Seven days. She couldn't believe she was back here. Her mom hadn't even really said anything to her on the way over, just that 7 days wasn't that long, and she was sure everything would work out after that.  
  
"So it is true."  
  
Paige rolled over in bed. "Not going to welcome me back?" she asked sarcastically.  
  
"Why the hell are you back?" Jessica asked. "I told you I didn't want to see you back here."  
  
"Yeah, I so wanted to come back," Paige shot back. She rolled over again.  
  
Jessica sat down on the bed next to her. "What happened?" she asked, her voice softer.  
  
Paige sighed. "I didn't eat for a few days," she said. She moved so she was lying on her back to face Jessica.  
  
Jessica frowned. "What did you weigh in at when they admitted you?" she asked.  
  
"98," Paige said quietly. "Jess, I tried. I've been trying. I was so good."  
  
"What made you stop?"  
  
She shrugged. "I don't know," she said honestly. "Have you ever looked at the pro-anorexia websites?"  
  
"Yes, have you? Why did you look those up?"  
  
"To see what they were. Jessica, those girls...what they do...how they do it..." she paused. "It doesn't seem as bad," she said finally. "And it doesn't seem to make their life any harder."  
  
"Paige, have you talked to any of the girls on those sites?" Jessica asked.  
  
Paige hesitated. She had talked to some of them in one of the chat rooms a few nights ago. Reluctantly she nodded.  
  
Jessica sighed. "I used to be one of those girls," she said. "I was on those sites for the most of the day. Other girls and I would trade tips and secrets and it felt nice knowing someone else knew what I was going through." She looked at Paige. "But no, not one of them is happy. Not one of them has an easy life."  
  
"They seem like they do."  
  
"They're good liars," Jessica said bluntly. "We all are. That's how we end up here." She moved over to her own bed. "There's one more thing I want to tell you about those sites."  
  
"What?" Paige asked. She was still tired and just wanted to sleep.  
  
"I know what you're planning on telling Olivia in your session tomorrow morning. You can't blame the websites for you slipping back into here. She won't buy it. You can use every excuse, tell her that you were doing everything that you were supposed to until one day you accidentally came across one of these sites and they brainwashed you into thinking that nothing was wrong with extreme dieting. All she's going to tell you is that the websites are an excuse; a catalyst for falling back into bad habits. And then, if you're really lucky, she'll start up her computer right there and force you too look at anti-anorexia sites. Ones that show you exactly what happen to your body when you starve yourself. And believe me, those girls aren't pretty."  
  
"Thanks for the tip," Paige said yawning. "Talk to you in the morning?"  
  
"You bet," Jessica said, turning the lights off. "Night Paige."  
  
"Night." Paige closed her eyes and snuggled deeper under the blankets. Jessica was right, she couldn't blame the Internet for her problems. It would be easier, but she knew, Olivia wouldn't buy it. No, she'd be forced to talk it out until they figured out why she slipped up. Not looking forward to morning, Paige fell asleep. 


	8. Tomorrow

"Well, I have to say Paige," Olivia said, pacing back and forth in front of the couch Paige was sitting on. "I'm pretty pissed off right now."  
  
Paige lifted her head. "Why?" she asked.  
  
"Why?" Olivia sat down next to her. "We had a meeting 3 days ago. You told me everything was fine. You told me everything was going great, that homework wasn't getting to be too much for you, and above all, you promised me, looked me in the eye and promised me that you were 100% back on track and not starving yourself and not making yourself sick."   
  
"I'm still not making myself sick," Paige said honestly.   
  
"You flat out lied to my face Paige. And if there's one thing I don't like, it's being lied to."  
  
"I'm pretty sure I'm not the only patient of yours to ever lie," Paige snapped. She didn't like the tone of voice Olivia was using. She also didn't like the guilt she was now feeling because of it.  
  
"No, you're not, but that does not mean I like it nonetheless." Olivia sighed and looked at her. "What happened Paige? What made you do it?"  
  
Paige lifted her shoulders in a slight shrug. "I was having problems with a really hard homework assignment. I couldn't get myself to focus and work on it, so I decided that I wouldn't let myself eat dinner at night until I finished a certain percentage of the project. And usually, by that time, I wasn't hungry. So I would just go to bed."  
  
"What about the next morning? Wouldn't you wake up hungry?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"So why weren't you eating breakfast?"  
  
"I never had time in the morning. I'm always rushing to school."  
  
"And lunch?"  
  
"I usually spent my lunch hour doing the homework I wasn't getting done at home."  
  
"And nobody called you on any of this?" Olivia's voice wasn't as harsh anymore.  
  
Paige shook her head. "No. Dylan, he's been busy with his own school stuff and hockey, and my dad's always out of town. And my mom, she thinks I'm better."  
  
"What about your boyfriend?"  
  
"Spinner hasn't said much about in the last few days. I really didn't see him outside of school though because we've both been working on our projects."  
  
"I see. Did that have anything to do with it?" Olivia asked.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Well, I know that at first everyone who cared about you was on your case about eating. They watched what you ate and asked you what you were eating, and they wouldn't let you out of their sight for hours afterward."  
  
"Yeah, it was annoying."  
  
"Maybe so, but now suddenly, they're not so attentive."  
  
"Good," Paige said, looking down at her hands.  
  
"Good?" Olivia looked at her. "Or maybe you missed the attention?" she suggested softly.  
  
"You think I stopped eating because nobody was paying attention to me anymore?" Paige asked.  
  
"I've heard stupider reasons," Olivia said.  
  
"You know, you're doing a good job of making me feel like crap today Olivia," Paige said.  
  
"It's called tough love, get used to it. I tried being sympathetic, and I tried being your friend. All you did was lie to me."  
  
"I'm sorry," she said quietly.   
  
"For what?"  
  
"For lying to you."  
  
Olivia sighed and hit the pillow next to her. "You don't get it, do you Paige?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"I don't want you to be sorry for lying, I want you to be sorry for what you did. I want you to feel bad that you messed up. I want to see some remorse, that you hate what you're doing to yourself."  
  
"You think I like doing this?" Paige asked incredulously.  
  
"I don't know Paige. You never want to talk about it."  
  
"Talking about it means it's real!" Paige burst out. "And I don't like that it's real, I don't like that this is happening to me! I hate it!"  
  
Olivia reached over and gave her a hug. "Congratulations Paige, you just had your first breakthrough."  
  
Paige pulled away. "I did?" she asked shakily.  
  
"Yeah, you did. That doesn't mean it gets any easier now, but it's a start. And now we have something to work with."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Seven days were almost up. Paige was on her fifth day in Forrest Hills and she was actually, honestly, making progress. She was actually participating in group sessions, not just listening to them. Instead of talking to Olivia about who was going to be thrown to the Real World/Road Rules Gauntlet next, she was talking to her about treating her health problems.  
  
After finishing a session with Olivia Paige headed back to her room. Jessica was there, her back to the door.   
  
"Hey Jess."  
  
Jessica jumped, spinning around and hiding her hands behind her back. "How was your hour?" she managed to ask.  
  
"Fine." Paige walked over to her. "What are you hiding behind you?"  
  
"Nothing." She tried to move but Paige was too quick for her. She reached behind the girl and pulled her hand to the front.  
  
She inspected the pill bottle Jessica was holding carefully. "Diet pills." She closed the door and looked at Jessica. "What's going on?"  
  
"Oh save it Paige," Jessica snapped. Paige realized that her eyes were puffy from crying, and her voice was strained. "I don't need your condescending looks and speeches right now."  
  
"Jess." Paige took a deep breath, not knowing really what to say. "How long have you been taking these?"  
  
"Too long to remember, but don't worry, I haven't taken them in over a month."  
  
"So why do you have them today?"  
  
Jessica sat down on her bed. "Olivia didn't tell you?" she asked.  
  
"Tell me what?"  
  
"It's Karen. They took her to the hospital this morning."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because when she weighed in today, she was down to 79 pounds." Jessica sniffled.  
  
"Oh god. Well, in the hospital, she'll be fine. She'll gain the weight back," Paige said reassuringly, even though her thoughts were on Briana.  
  
Jessica shook her head. "No she won't. In the ambulance on the way to the hospital she got worked up I guess. Basically threw a temper tantrum. The stress on her body was too much. She had a stroke." Jessica's voice broke. "She wasn't strong enough, she never even made it to the hospital."  
  
Paige leaned in and hugged Jessica tightly as she cried. "It's not fair," Jessica sighed when she was all cried out. "Karen was the strongest one here. Before you came anyways. She tried to beat this, but she didn't." She pulled away. "All anyone here ever says is that we're all strong enough to fight this. That we can overcome our problems and be healthy again." Her voice got angry. "They have no clue. Not one of them. We're all lost, we're all broken, and none of us have a chance." She laughed bitterly. "I've attended hundreds of sessions and talked hours on end about my problems and for what? I'm going to end up dead Paige. Just like Karen. Just like the first girl I met when I came here, and just like y-" she broke her sentence and closed her eyes.  
  
"That's why I pulled the pills out," she explained. "If this stupid disease is going to kill me anyways, I figured I'd push things forward and do it myself."  
  
"You're going to give up?" Paige asked. "Just like that?"  
  
Jessica shook her head sadly. "I gave up a long time ago Paige," she said tiredly. "I'm just sick of acting now."  
  
Paige hugged Jessica again. After awhile Jessica excused herself to go the bathroom and while she was in there, Paige did what she had to do. She picked up the phone and called Olivia.  
  
Twenty minutes later Jessica was moved to a different room, one where she would be supervised around the clock.  
  
Olivia stayed with Paige. "Are you okay?" she asked.  
  
"No," Paige said. "Olivia, am I going to end up like Jessica?" she asked.  
  
Olivia looked at her silently for a moment. "I can't tell you yes or no either way," she said carefully. "The only person who can answer that is you." She paused. "You've seen the worst side of anorexia now Paige. Someone you knew died. Sometimes, that's enough to make a person stop. And other times, it just makes people give up. It's your choice now Paige. Which person do you want to be?"  
  
Paige took a deep breath and looked Olivia directly in the eye. When she spoke, her voice was strong and clear.  
  
"I'm not giving up."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
For the first time in a long time, Paige was scared to dial a phone number. It was her sixth day at Forrest Hills and Olivia had decided it would be okay for Paige to make a phone call.  
  
On the fourth ring the phone was picked up. "Hello?"  
  
She smiled at the voice. "Hey Spin."  
  
"Paige?"  
  
"Yeah, it's me. How are you?"  
  
"Forget about me, Paige, how are you? Dylan told me you went back to Forrest Hills. I wanted to call you, but they said no calls."  
  
"I was allowed a call today. Good behavior I guess. I'm okay. A little shaky, but this week's been really good," she said truthfully. "I owe you an apology though. I'm so sorry for how I acted at school that day. I never should have snapped at you."  
  
"Don't worry about it," he said. "I'm just happy you're okay. I was pretty scared when you passed out. We all were. Especially Ashley."  
  
"Well I'll be home tomorrow, but if you see her before then, tell her I'm okay and I'm sorry. I've got to go Spin, but... well, I want to ask you something."  
  
What's that?"  
  
"Will you come with my mom and Dylan when they pick me up?"  
  
Spinner laughed. "I'll be there. I can't wait to see you."  
  
"Same here. Well, I'll see you tomorrow then. Bye hon." Paige hung up the phone and smiled at Olivia. "Thanks," she said.  
  
"No problem. Now, back to our talk. You're leaving tomorrow. What are you going to differently this time than last time?"  
  
Paige had been prepared for this. Olivia had posed the question last night and told her she expected an answer today.  
  
"I'm not going to rely on everyone else to fix this for me," she said. "I know that I can ask them to help me, but in the end, it's me who has to change my way of thinking. I have to believe in myself that I can do this. I can't give up every time something doesn't go my way. I can't use bad days and stress as an excuse."  
  
Olivia nodded. "Good," she said smiling. "This week's been good for you Paige. You didn't fight being here; you used it to your advantage. I'm proud of you."  
  
"I'm proud of myself," Paige admitted. She looked at her watch. "Are we done here?" she asked.  
  
"Yes, we are. I still want to see you before you leave tomorrow, okay?"  
  
"Count on it." She bit her lip. "Can I see Jessica before I leave?"  
  
Olivia shook her head. "I don't think that's a good idea," she said gently. "But once Jessica is doing a little bit better, I will let her either call or write you, okay?"  
  
"Okay." Paige left and went to her room to start packing.  
  
Tomorrow. All she had to do was make it through today and into tomorrow, and she was going to be fine. She was going to beat this.  
  
And she was going to do it all by herself.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Tomorrow's just another day  
  
Another way to spend my day  
  
All by myself  
  
Staring at the TV screen  
  
Flipping through my magazine  
  
Everything is unclear  
  
I need you here  
  
And I wake up  
  
Put on my make up  
  
Pick up the phone  
  
Nobody's home  
  
I need to break out  
  
Get me some take out  
  
Standing inside the crowd  
  
I wanna scream out loud  
  
That'll I'll be okay  
  
I'll be okay  
  
Walking down this winding road  
  
Rainy days are all I know  
  
I have hit the ground  
  
Staring up into the sky  
  
Counting all the reasons why  
  
My head is spinning around  
  
I need to breathe  
  
So I wake up  
  
Put on my make up  
  
Pick up the phone  
  
Nobody's home  
  
I need to break out  
  
Get me some take out  
  
Standing inside the crowd  
  
I wanna scream out loud  
  
That'll I'll be okay  
  
I'll be okay  
  
Get up from off the floor  
  
I just can't take no more  
  
Leaving it all behind  
  
'Cause yesterday's gone  
  
And I wake up  
  
Put on my make up  
  
Pick up the phone  
  
Nobody's home  
  
I need to break out  
  
Get me some take out  
  
Standing inside the crowd  
  
I wanna scream out loud  
  
That'll I'll be okay  
  
I'll be okay  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The song is Tomorrow by Lillix. I first heard it on Rich Girls and then saw the video right before an episode of Degrassi. Guess it stuck in my head.   
  
I know this story is pretty heavy and depressing, and if it's getting to be too much, let me know and I'll work on lightening it up a little if that's what a majority wants. I'm trying to portray this as accurately as I can, and I know it's not my usual kind of story. So like I said, if you think I need to change things, just let me know. But I hope you're enjoying it nonetheless! 


	9. Family Feuds

Author's Note ~ A couple of things I need to mention up here.  
  
First of all, thank you, thank you, thank you all for the reviews!! I'm happy to see that the nature of this story isn't keeping you all from reading it. You all rock!  
  
Secondly, I know I'm a little bit slow updating this, compared to my other stories, but this one's a little more difficult to write. Hopefully, you guys aren't forgetting about this story or losing interest, I promise to try and have at least one update a week.  
  
Enjoy!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Okay Paige, are you ready?" Olivia looked at her. It was two months later and Paige had just stepped on a scale for the first time in 3 weeks. Olivia was about to tell her what her weight was at.  
  
Paige took a deep breath and nodded. "What is it?"  
  
Olivia smiled. "You did it Paige. Over 100. 102 to be exact."  
  
Paige felt a huge relief wash over her and smiled.  
  
"How does it feel?"  
  
"It feels good," she admitted. "I did it."  
  
"Yes you did. And with only 8 more pounds to go, I don't think we need to set a time frame, unless you do."  
  
Paige shook her head. "I don't think that's necessary, but my goal is going to be another 2 months."  
  
"Good girl. Now Paige, we have one more thing to talk about before you leave today." Olivia sat down at her desk. "You're doing great Paige. You're attending group twice a week, you're eating healthy, you aren't binging or starving, and you've really grown up in the last 2 months. How would you feel about cutting our sessions back?"  
  
Paige sat up, alarmed. "Cut back?" she asked worriedly. "How much?"  
  
"Well, instead of seeing me every week, how do you think you'd do with once every two weeks? If you have any concerns, or don't think you're ready, then we can continue with every week, I just wanted to feel this out with you."  
  
"If I agreed but then changed my mind and wanted to see you next week, could I still come in?"  
  
"Of course. You can come see me anytime you want Paige."  
  
Paige nodded. "Let's try it," she agreed. "Every other week."  
  
Olivia smiled. "All right then. Well, before today's up, anything else you want to talk about?"  
  
"Nope." Paige smiled. "I'll see you in 2 weeks," she said, standing up. She left the room and met up with Spinner who was waiting for her out in the lobby.  
  
"Well?" he asked.  
  
She grinned and threw her arms around him. "102!" she squealed.  
  
"Paige, that's awesome!" Spinner hugged her back. "I knew you could do it," he said, letting her go.  
  
Paige smiled. "Guess what else? Olivia says I don't need to see her every week now, just every other."  
  
"Are you okay with that?"  
  
"I'm going to give it a try. If it doesn't work, she says we can go back to weekly." She hugged him again. "Come on, let's get out of here." They left Forrest Hills and headed back to Paige's house.  
  
"Mom, I'm home!" Paige called as they walked into the house. "And Spin's staying for supper!" Her mom appeared in the kitchen doorway and only nodded because she was on the phone. She went back into the kitchen.  
  
Spinner grinned. "She didn't say we couldn't go upstairs," he said, grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the staircase. They were halfway to her bedroom when the shout came up the stairs.  
  
"Stay out of your room Paige!"  
  
Paige giggled and Spinner muttered something under her breath. "It's not so bad," she said. "Mom and Dylan are downstairs and we're all alone upstairs. She pulled him over to the window seat that looked down over the backyard.  
  
"This is nice," Paige said a couple of minutes later.  
  
"What is?" Spinner asked, tickling her side. He had a few ideas on what he thought was nice right now, but he wasn't sure if they were the same as Paige's.  
  
"This. Being normal. Not worrying about therapy and weight and everything else. Just being here with you and doing ordinary things."  
  
Spinner tried his best to look offended. "So kissing me is an ordinary thing?" he asked.  
  
"Mmm, anything but ordinary," she corrected, leaning forward again.  
  
About half an hour later they were interrupted by an attack of nerf balls. (A.N. Do nerf-ball guns even still exist? My boyfriend's little brother attacked us with one the other day) One brightly colored green one bounced off Paige's head as she pulled away from Spinner to see Dylan standing at the top of the stairs, his nerf gun held victoriously over his head.  
  
"Sweet, I fired 10 of them at you, and 8 of them were direct hits," he said proudly. "Mom said to tell you dinner's ready."  
  
Paige threw 2 of the balls back at him. "You're such a jerk," she said, trying not to laugh. She and Spinner followed him down to the dining room.  
  
"What are we having?" Paige asked, sliding into her seat.  
  
"Chicken and broccoli with rice." Ever since her own physical 2 weeks ago, Tammy had been working on cooking more nutritious meals and Dylan and Paige were learning to cope.   
  
Tammy laughed at the looks on the 3 younger faces. "And chocolate cake and ice cream for dessert," she confessed. "But you have to eat some of this stuff too."  
  
"So Paige, are you going to tell them about today?" Spinner asked, about halfway through dinner.  
  
"What about today?" Dylan asked, remembering that Paige had an appointment with Olivia.  
  
Paige took a drink from her water glass and smiled. "Good news," she said. "I weighed in today at over 100 pounds, and Olivia says I can cut back my visits with her."  
  
"That's wonderful Paige!" Tammy said. "With cutting back appointments, maybe you can get back into extracurricular activities at school."  
  
Dylan looked at Paige, ignoring their mother. "Are you sure you're ready for that?" he asked.   
  
Paige nodded. "She also told me if I can't handle not seeing her once a week than I can go back to weekly sessions. She just wanted me to know that I am making progress and am starting to be able to deal with this on my own."  
  
"You haven't exactly had to deal with this on your own Paige," Tammy said. "We've all been here helping you."  
  
Paige just looked at her mother for a moment. "I know you've all been supporting me Mom, but yes, I am dealing with this on my own now," she said, sighing.  
  
"Well, I just hope that you don't get in over your head again. The last thing I want is to put you back into Forrest Hills another time. God knows that was hard to do the last two times."  
  
Paige set her fork down. "May I be excused?" she asked quietly. She looked at Dylan instead of her mother for permission. He looked at her plate, seeing it nearly empty, and nodded. "Thank you." She got up and headed back upstairs. She could hear the voices downstairs, Dylan's most of all. She knew he was yelling at their mom.  
  
"Hey."  
  
Paige didn't look up. She was sitting on the window seat again, looking out at the kids playing in the neighbors yard. "I'm fine, I'm not in the bathroom getting rid of dinner," she said.  
  
Spinner sat next to her. "I didn't think you would be, I just wanted to see if you wanted to talk." He put a hand on her back. "What's going on?"  
  
Paige shrugged. "I know she means well, and she doesn't always think before she speaks, but damn it Spin. She acts like this isn't a big deal anymore. She talks about it like it was some stupid phase I was going through and she always brings up how hard it was on her. Doesn't she know how hard it is on me?" She rested her head on his shoulder. "Daddy doesn't even know what's going on I don't think. He calls once a week, but he's so busy with this new development deal over in British Columbia that I don't want to make him feel guilty for not being here. I just tell him everything's fine."  
  
"It seems to me," Spinner said, pressing his lips to her head in a light kiss. "That you're acting more like an adult than your parents are."  
  
She shrugged against him. "Maybe I am," she said.  
  
"Maybe you shouldn't be though," he suggested. "Paige, I know you're strong and everything, but don't take on more than you can handle. Don't take things on because you think you should be able to handle them. That's when you're going to feel powerless and that's when you're going to start again."  
  
"You don't think I should stop seeing Olivia, do you?" she asked.  
  
"I think you know what you should do more than anyone else. But I don't want you to do something because everyone else thinks it's a good idea."  
  
"I think I can do it Spin. I mean eventually I want it to be so I don't even have to see her at all. I have to start somewhere, and if that means I can go every other week, then that's a step in the right direction."  
  
"Well, that answers my question."  
  
They both looked up to see Dylan standing at the top of the stairs again. He came towards them, a tray in his hands. "Neither of you had any dessert, and I figured we all deserved it after that chicken stuff, whatever that was." He sat down on the floor next to them.  
  
"Where's mom?" Paige asked taking the plate he held out to her.  
  
"She went for a walk." Dylan bit his lip. "She doesn't know how to deal with this Paige," he said. "She wants you to be better, and she thinks not making a big deal about it, that just forgetting it even happened will make you better." He shrugged. "I tried telling her that wasn't how it works, but she just wouldn't listen."  
  
Paige smiled at her brother. "Thanks for sticking up with me." She shrugged. "Maybe mom should come with me to one of my sessions with Olivia. Olivia suggested that before, and maybe she's right."  
  
"You could ask her." Dylan dropped the subject then. Soon, he and Spinner were deep in discussion about some hockey player's trade to a rival team. Paige just listened, offering her two cents every so often, just to elicit stares of "you don't know what you're talking about" from the 2 guys.  
  
Later that night, after the 3 of them had watched television for a while, Spinner finally left, promising to call her the next day.  
  
Paige looked at the clock, realizing it was almost 9. Her mom still wasn't back yet, and she was starting to get worried.  
  
Dylan didn't seem too concerned. And sure enough, like he predicted, Tammy was back within a few minutes more.  
  
"Did Spinner go home already?" She asked, hanging her coat up in the front closet. Her cheeks were rosy and she was a little out of breath, both signs she had done more jogging than walking.  
  
Paige nodded. "He had some homework to finish. Did you have a nice jog?  
  
Tammy nodded and sat down next to Paige. "I hate this exercise stuff, but my doctor insists its good for me." She smiled. "I'm sorry I was gone for so long," she said, wrapping an arm around Paige's shoulder. "I may not have sounded like it at dinner, but I want you to know, I'm very proud of you Paige."  
  
Paige smiled. "I know mom," she said.  
  
Tammy kept talking. "And as far as reaching 100 pounds, Paige, that's absolutely wonderful, you've done so well."  
  
The next words shocked Paige to the bone. "But I've been thinking, about what you said Olivia said about your goal weight. Honey, maybe 110 isn't the right number for you. I think, taking your height and proportions into consideration, that 105 is a better weight for you to stop at."  
  
Paige stared at her mother in horror. "Are you listening to yourself?" she asked. "Mom, before all this happened, I wasn't even 105 pounds. When I was dating Jason, I was at least 115, if not closer to 120, and that's normal. 110 is just my next goal."  
  
"I know, but sweetheart, a lot of that was baby fat, and I just think that-"  
  
"I can't believe this," Paige said standing up. "Do you even hear yourself? You're asking your anorexic and bulimic daughter to go on a diet."  
  
"There's no reason you can't diet responsibly," Tammy argued.  
  
"I don't need this." Paige said. "I'm going upstairs."  
  
"Paige Elizabeth Michalchuk, you do not speak to me that way," Tammy said, rising to her feet. "I might have given you some slack these last few months, but it's time we move on and you have no right to disrespect me."  
  
"And you have no right to disrespect me!" Paige cried, from the bottom of the stairs.   
  
"What's going on?" Dylan asked, coming into the room.  
  
"Tell him Mom," Paige challenged.  
  
"Dylan, this is between me and Paige."  
  
"She wants me to diet," Paige said, looking at Dylan. "She wants me to stay at 105 pounds, rather than going up to 110, and god forbid I should ever go back to 120."  
  
Dylan looked at their mother. "Are you serious?"  
  
"Just because she's had problems lately there is no reason she can't be responsible about dieting and stay at a reasonable weight," Tammy insisted.  
  
"Do you have any idea how completely irresponsible you're being by telling her not to gain weight?" Dylan asked. "You're practically giving her permission to run upstairs into that bathroom and throw up. Why don't you go open the door for her? "  
  
"She doesn't do that anymore."  
  
"You didn't even know when she was doing it!"  
  
"So you're saying this is my fault?"  
  
"I'm saying maybe if one of our parents was home more, Paige wouldn't be going through any of this."  
  
Neither of them even knew Paige was gone until they heard the front door slam.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Paige wished she had grabbed her coat when she left the house. It was kind of cold out. She also wished she had an idea of where she was going, instead of just wandering around the neighborhood at night.  
  
They were fighting because of her. Dylan was being more of a parent than her own parents, and for that, she felt guilty. They had always been close, closer than most siblings. But once had become sick, Dylan was always there for her. He always asked her about her sessions with Olivia, how things at Forrest Hills had been, and he had even gone to a group session with her; one that was specifically for family members of people who had eating disorders.  
  
Her mother on the other hand, mainly chose to keep things swept under the rug. She never really even mentioned that Paige was sick unless someone else brought it up first. To Paige, it just meant that her mother didn't see it as the big deal it really was.  
  
To Tammy, it was the exact opposite. Tammy, who had always thought she was a great mother, and whose children had always told her, so, was completely clueless as what to do. She was terrified of losing her daughter, and she didn't know how to stop it.  
  
These thoughts were all running through Tammy's mind as she left the house, looking for Paige.  
  
To the outsider, it would seem that Tammy was cold, uncaring even, about Paige's illness. Tammy knew this. Her sister Lily had said the exact words to her. And even now, Dylan attacked her, all but basically calling her a bad parent.  
  
They just don't see it the way I do, Tammy thought to herself as she looked for Paige.   
  
The way she saw it. Tammy didn't know what to do with Paige, but she knew what Lily was doing with Briana. Briana had been in the hospital ever since she had been admitted all those months ago. She did nothing but talk to psychiatrists, doctors, and other eating disorder patients. She spent 10 hours out of 24 in therapy, and what good was it doing? From what Tammy knew Briana was no better now than she was before. She would even go as far as to say she was worse. And if you asked Tammy, Briana wasn't getting any better because of where she was.  
  
Hour after hour, day after day, Briana was reminded that she was sick. How could she get better if all she knew was that she was sick? That's why Tammy didn't push the issue with Paige as much anymore. For Paige to get better, the best thing, in Tammy's opinion, was to forget she was even ever sick.  
  
Tammy stopped when she saw Paige, a few hundred feet from her. She was about to go up to her when she saw another figure approach her. Seeing that it was Spinner, she turned and headed back home. He could calm Paige down now; she could see her when she got home.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Paige asked, seeing Spinner walk towards her.  
  
He shrugged. "Can't a guy go for a walk in his girlfriend's neighborhood during the night for no reason at all?" He saw the look on her face and shrugged. "Or maybe Dylan called me and told me you ran out," he admitted.  
  
"That doesn't mean you had to come find me," she said.  
  
"Oh I see. So you aren't happy to see me then?" Spinner took his jacket off and held out to her. "Because I can leave if that's the case."  
  
She stuck her tongue out at him as she took the jacket and put it on. "Oh stop, we both know you aren't going home."  
  
"You're right." They sat down on a park bench. "So do you want to talk about it?" he asked.  
  
Paige shook her head. "Not really," she said truthfully. "I just didn't want to be in the house when they were fighting."  
  
Spinner nodded. "I can understand that. So then, what do you want to talk about?"  
  
It was at that very moment Paige realized just how much she adored Spinner. He never pushed her into talking when he knew she didn't want to talk. He was always simply just there for her. And not in an overbearing way like Dylan sometimes was.  
  
"Have a date for the dance next month?" Paige asked.  
  
"Well, you know I'm something of a ladies man," Spinner said. "I don't mean to brag or anything, but a few girls have asked me to go."  
  
Paige's head shot up and she gaped at him. "And what did you tell them?" she asked.  
  
"I said I needed a few days to make my decisi-ow!" He yelped when Paige punched his arm. "Okay okay, so only 2 other girls asked me out and of course I told them I was taking my girlfriend and that they would have to find themselves another date." He grinned. "So I guess now would be a good time to ask you if you want to go to the dance with me?"  
  
Paige shrugged. "I would have, but since you waited so long to ask me, I told Jimmy I'd go with him," she said.  
  
"Are you serious?" Spinner asked, looking at her.  
  
Paige giggled. "No, I'm just joking, but for real Spin, it took forever for you to ask me."  
  
"Sorry. It kept slipping my mind. But I always assumed we'd be going together," he said, trying to cover.  
  
"Yeah yeah yeah." Paige just smiled. "It's okay, I figured we were going together too." She shivered. "I should get home," she said reluctantly.  
  
"I'll walk you," Spinner offered, knowing that if he didn't, Dylan would have his head.  
  
Once they were back at her house she kissed him goodnight and said she'd see him at school tomorrow.  
  
When she got inside, she found Dylan in the living room talking on the phone. He mouthed 'are you okay' to her and she nodded, whispering that she was going to bed. On her way to her bedroom she paused outside her mother's door. The lights were off and she assumed her mom was asleep, so she decided to talk to her in the morning.  
  
In her bedroom, Paige turned on her computer to check her email. She clicked on the favorites button and looked at all the sites she had saved months beforehand. Nobody knew she still looked at the sites every couple of days, but she did. She wasn't hurting herself anymore, but she still came to the site, and she still talked to a few of the girls on there. One of them, whom Paige only knew as 'daisiemae122' had left her a message on one of the boards. She clicked on it.  
  
Candylips_bubblegumtongue243 ~ haven't talked to you in awhile, just wondering how you've been. I know you said you're on the up and up now, but just in case. Here are some new tricks for you that I don't think I've shared yet. Go to my personal page and click on countdown til summer tips, and you'll see them. Write me back, * daisiemae12 *  
  
Paige moved the arrow on her computer screen over to the link to daisiemae122's page, but didn't click on it. Instead she moved the arrow all the way to the x in the corner and closed the page. She didn't need to see the tips. And more importantly, she didn't want to see them.  
  
Turning her computer off, she changed into her pajamas and went to bed, feeling a lot happier than she had in a long time. 


	10. Spinner

Paige stared down at her dinner plate and tried to tune out the conversation around her. She and Dylan and their mother were at her Grandma Sarah's for a family dinner. Aunt Lily was there too, but Briana wasn't. And as always, Briana and Paige were the topic of conversation. At least Paige was there to defend herself.  
  
"I just don't understand," Lily was saying to Tammy. "She's been in the hospital for months now and she's not doing any better. She gains a few pounds here and there, but then the next week she loses them. I know she's finding a way to not eat her meals or else she's throwing them up and the doctors aren't catching it, but I just can't put her back on that feeding tube. She weighs 89 pounds. 89! I can't even remember the last time she was over 90."  
  
"Maybe you should take her out of the hospital and admit her someplace like where Paige was," Tammy suggested. "I mean, after a week Paige was already gaining weight, weren't you honey?"  
  
Paige just nodded mutely. As usual, her mother was under the impression that Paige was 100 percent healthy.   
  
"I don't even think it's safe to move her now," Lily said. "She's so weak, all she ever does is sleep. What do you think Paige? What's the difference between you and Briana? How can I get her to get better?"  
  
Paige dropped her fork. "I don't know," she snapped. "Briana and I are 2 entirely different people and maybe it all comes down to I want to get better and she doesn't. I don't really know; she won't talk to me anymore. But please, just once, can we have a conversation that isn't about hospitals and weight?"  
  
"Paige, tell Lily you're sorry right now," Tammy said. "I don't appreciate your tone of voice."  
  
"Sorry," Paige said, with no trace of emotion in her voice. The room was silent for a moment before Grandma Sarah spoke.  
  
"Paige, how's that boyfriend of yours doing?"  
  
Paige smiled. "He's good Gram. He said to tell you he's sorry that he couldn't make it tonight. He had a history test he needed to study for. I am instructed to bring him home a piece of your blueberry pie though."  
  
Grandma Sarah laughed. "I'll make sure and save him a big piece then. What about you Dylan? Anyone special in your life?"  
  
While Dylan and Grandma Sarah were talking, Paige noticed Tammy and Lily were still talking about Briana quietly. No one realized when Paige slipped away from the table.  
  
Locking the bathroom door behind her, Paige found herself staring at her reflection in the mirror. Make-up was covering the dark circles under her eyes, the evidence of a week of sleepless nights. Once again, things were spinning out of control and as usual, Paige didn't know what to do.  
  
A week earlier, Paige had received an envelope addressed to her. Opening it, she found a greeting card with the words "Happy Anniversary" on the front of it. Signed Dean. It had been one year since the rape and still, even from prison; he felt no remorse for what he did.  
  
Paige hadn't shown anyone the card. She had destroyed it immediately, but she couldn't forget about it. The nightmares had started again, and the panic attacks had returned.   
  
And before she knew it, she was doing it again. Just that first night, she told herself. After that, she wouldn't again. She couldn't. But then the next night she had the nightmares. And the night after that, she swore she could hear his voice.  
  
She hadn't told anyone. She couldn't. How would they react? How would Dylan react? He would be so disappointed in her. He wouldn't ever trust her again; she knew that for sure. And forget about her mom and Spinner. They'd be so let down.  
  
Paige took a shaky breath. She didn't even care that she was at her grandmother's house or that they were all just a room away and might be able to hear what she was doing. Before she knew it, before she could stop herself, she threw up.  
  
Choking back her tears, she brushed her teeth and fixed her make-up. She ran a brush through her hair and took a few more deep breaths to calm down. When she was ready, she took her place back at the dining room table. Dylan just smiled at her and told her she was just about to miss dessert.  
  
Later that night, back at home, all Tammy was still talking about was Briana. And how Lily had messed up by putting her in the hospital in the first place.  
  
"I still can't believe that that was all going on in her house and she had no clue," Tammy said. "You've never said Paige, was it Briana that showed you how to do this?"  
  
Paige sighed and looked up from the television. "It doesn't matter mom," she said tiredly. "Does it?"  
  
"It most certainly does! If Briana is the one responsible for what happened with you then I don't want you going back there to see her anymore, do you understand?"  
  
"Briana wasn't responsible," she said. "I'm a big girl who makes her own choices." Besides, she thought to herself bitterly, you're the one who sent me there for the summer, so wouldn't that make it your fault?  
  
"Well still, I just don't understand what was so bad in that girl's life that she had to do this to herself. She wasn't overweight or anything."  
  
"After all these months of my recovery and you still don't get it?" Paige snapped, for the second time that night. "It's not just about weight. It's a means of release to some, a stress reliever, or control over something. And my God! How can you talk about her like this? All through dinner, Briana this, and Briana that. She's not even here to defend herself!" Paige grabbed her coat and stormed out of the house.  
  
By the look on Spinner's mom's face, Paige knew she must have looked a mess. "I'm sorry for just showing up Mrs. Mason, is Spinner still up?" she asked.  
  
Mrs. Mason nodded, closing the door behind her. "Come on in Sweetie. He just went to bed not 15 minutes ago, I'm sure he's still awake. Go on and see."  
  
"Thanks." Paige smiled gratefully and went down the hall to Spinner's room. She knocked on the door softly.  
  
The door opened and Spinner stepped out into the hallway. "Paige?" He asked. He looked at her. "What's wrong?"  
  
She just shook her head as the tears spilled from her eyes. "I'm so sorry," she whispered. He just pulled her into a hug. Over her head, he saw his mom standing there, looking worried. She nodded her approval and Spinner lead Paige into his room, closing the door.  
  
He let her cry for a while, before talking. "What happened?" he asked.  
  
The whole story spilled out. The card, the nightmares, the panic attacks, and finally, what she did.  
  
"I messed up," she said softly. "For 3 months I was good. I was eating, I was gaining weight, and I didn't even want to throw up. And then one bad thing happens and I go and do it all over again."  
  
"I'll kill him," Spinner said.  
  
Paige shook her head. "No, don't do anything," she begged. "Please Spinner, I just-I had to tell someone. I feel so guilty."  
  
"Paige, was it just the one time?"  
  
She didn't look at him. "No," she said quietly.  
  
"How many times?"  
  
She didn't answer.  
  
"How many times Paige?"  
  
"Every day."  
  
"Once a day?"  
  
"Sometimes."  
  
"Tell me."  
  
Paige looked up at Spinner, expecting to see anger. She was relieved to see only concern. "Sometimes 2 or 3," she admitted.  
  
"Why didn't you tell anyone?" he asked. "You could have come to me, or to Dylan. You had an appointment with Olivia this week, why didn't you talk to her?"  
  
"I skipped the appointment," she confessed. "I couldn't. I couldn't face you all and let you know what I did. I didn't want to let everyone down, and I did it anyways."  
  
"The only way to let us down Paige, is to lie to us. If you lie to me, then how can I help you get better?"  
  
"It's not your responsibility to help me get better. Dylan's either. You both have your own stuff to worry about, you don't need my problems anymore."  
  
"Hey." He tilted her head up. "Have you ever heard either of us say anything like that? Have you ever heard us complain?"  
  
"No, but-"  
  
"But nothing. Paige, all we want is for you to be better, and we know there's no magical cure. We know it's going to take time, and sadly, we know you might slip up once in awhile. But you can't hide all that from us. You have to be upfront and honest, or else you're never going to get better."  
  
"When did you get so smart?" Paige asked, a small smile forming on her lips.  
  
Spinner shrugged. "When did you get so beautiful?" he asked, grinning.  
  
Paige laughed. It was a small laugh, but at least it was something, Spinner figured, so, mission accomplished.  
  
"I love you."  
  
The words were out of her mouth before she even knew it. Her eyes widened and she looked at Spinner, partly hoping he hadn't heard her.  
  
He just grinned his lopsided grin at her and leaned down to kiss her nose. "I thought you might," he said. "I love you too." He held her tightly. "Which is why I want you to promise me right now, right here, that you're going to stop thinking you have to do this on your own. Promise me that you're going to come to me or to Dylan when you need help."  
  
"I promise."  
  
"Swear it."  
  
Paige laughed again. "I promise on all my John Mayer CDs," she said, crossing her heart with her fingers.  
  
"Good girl." He watched her as she yawned. "It's late, why don't you just crash here tonight?" he asked. "My mom won't care."  
  
"Are you sure?"   
  
He nodded and got up from the bed. He handed her a pair of pajama pants and a t-shirt. "I'll let you change, I'll be back in a few minutes." He left the bedroom.  
  
"Is she okay?" Mrs. Mason asked, as soon as he came into the living room.  
  
Spinner shrugged. "I don't know Mom. I think she is for right now, but long term? She has a long way to go still."  
  
"Poor girl." Mrs. Mason smiled sympathetically. "I'm really impressed with how you're dealing with this Spinner."  
  
"Can I ask you something Mom?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"How do I help her?"  
  
"You keep doing what you have been doing. Believe it or not, what Paige needs most right now is for somebody to be there for her to talk to. Someone that's not going to judge her, but just be there. She also needs someone her age, like you, to take her mind off of everything, to be able to do normal teenage stuff with."  
  
Spinner nodded. "Is it okay if she spends the night?" he asked. "It's too late for her to go home."  
  
Mrs. Mason nodded. "I'll call her mom and let her know."  
  
"I'll do it," Spinner said, reaching for the phone. He dialed the number he knew by heart.   
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Dylan. Hey, it's Spin."  
  
"Spin, is she with you?"  
  
"Yeah, she's here." Spinner sighed. "She's pretty upset, but I think she's going to be okay."  
  
"She's doing it again, isn't she?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I'll be over to get her in a few minutes."  
  
"No, it's okay. She can stay here for the night. I'll bring her home in the morning, I just didn't want you guys to be worried about her."  
  
Dylan sighed. "Okay. I'll see you guys tomorrow then. Watch out for her, okay?"  
  
"I will."  
  
When Spinner got back to his bedroom, Paige was curled up on the bed, asleep. He noticed her cheeks were still damp with tears and used his bed sheet to dry them before crawling into bed next to her. He arranged himself carefully; unsure of how close he could lie next to her without her being uncomfortable. She answered that for him, snuggling up to him and resting her head on his chest. "Goodnight," she whispered.  
  
"Night." He lay there and listened as her breathing steadied in her sleep. He didn't know what to do, but he knew he and Dylan had to do something to make sure Paige stayed healthy.   
  
But he knew one thing for sure, and Dylan was sure to agree.  
  
They weren't ready to give up on her. Not by a long shot. 


	11. Full of Grace

Author's note~ Just a quick note here...after you read this chapter, you might think it's the end, but it's not. Trust me, we've still got a lot to go. I'm working on getting it done and hope you all still stick with it! Read! Enjoy! Review!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Paige woke up slowly, looking around and wondering where she was. Spinner's bedroom, she remembered. She stretched and yawned and sat up. Spinner wasn't in the room, but from the sounds coming from the other side of the door, he was in the bathroom.   
  
Paige listened closely. Was he singing? Yes, he was definitely singing. But what song it was, Paige couldn't quite place.   
  
"...Oops I did it again, I played with your heart, got it lost in the game..."  
  
Yes. Spinner, her Spinner, was singing Britney Spears in the shower, completely off-key. Paige laughed and got dressed, brushed her hair and waited for him to get out of the shower.  
  
He came into the bedroom, dressed and hair wet, and smiled sheepishly. "How long have you been awake?" he asked.  
  
Paige smirked. "Long enough to know my boyfriend's a closet Britney fan," she said, throwing a pillow at him.  
  
His face turned red. "I could hear the song coming from Kendra's room," he said lamely.  
  
"Right." Paige smiled again. "Thanks for letting me crash here last night."  
  
"Hey no problem. I did call Dylan and let him know though. And I told him I'd have you home sometime this morning."  
  
Paige nodded. "Did you tell him?"  
  
"I don't think I had to. I think he already knew." Spinner sat down next to her. "So what are you going to do?" he asked.  
  
She shrugged. "I'm not sure," she said honestly. "I don't want to go back to Forrest Hills. I don't think going back there every time I slip is the right thing to do."  
  
"What about going to see Olivia? You said you skipped your appointment last week?"  
  
Paige nodded. "I have an appointment with her on Monday though. I don't know if she's available on weekends." That was partly a lie; Paige knew she could get a hold of Olivia whenever she needed to. She just didn't want to ruin her weekend.  
  
"All right, but what about this weekend then? What are you going to do?"  
  
Paige shrugged again. "I'll be fine Spinner," she said. "I've got plans to go shopping with Ashley later on today, and if Dylan knows what's going on, I'm pretty sure he's going to watch me eat dinner tonight."  
  
"Speaking of, are you hungry? I think Mom made waffles this morning."  
  
Paige shook her head. "No thanks," she said. "I think I should just get home, I'm sure mom's pretty upset with me for leaving like I did last night."  
  
Spinner nodded. "You've been doing that a lot lately," he said. "Running off, I mean."  
  
"I know, I probably should stop doing that." Paige bent down to tie her shoes and then stood up. "Okay then, I'm going to get going."  
  
"I'll drive you," Spinner offered.  
  
"No that's okay, I'll walk. I'll be fine. Honest." She smiled and they left the bedroom.  
  
"Paige, how did you sleep last night?" Mrs. Mason asked, looking up from the morning newspaper.  
  
"Great, thanks for letting me stay Mrs. Mason," she said. She turned to Spinner. "I'll talk to you later, thanks for last night." She kissed his cheek and left the house.  
  
"Mom?" She called, opening her front door. "Dylan?"  
  
"Mom left a little while ago," Dylan said, coming into the front hallway. "What's up?"  
  
Paige shrugged. "You talked to Spinner?" she asked. He nodded. "I don't know what else to say Dylan. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."  
  
He just looked at her. "Is there anything I can do to help right now?" he asked.  
  
Paige nodded. "Don't tell mom?" she asked.  
  
He shook his head. "We tried that once before Paige."  
  
"But Dylan, if you tell Mom, she's just going to put me back in Forrest Hills. I don't want to go back, I can't go back there." Paige sighed. "Please, I already told Spinner, and I'll tell you, I can do this. I'll go talk to Olivia on Monday, and I'll tell her everything and we'll work something out."  
  
"What about the rest of the weekend? Are you going to make it through?"  
  
Paige nodded. "I will, I promise. You can watch me 24 hours a day if you want," she said.  
  
Dylan sighed reluctantly. "I don't like this idea Paige."  
  
"I know you don't. And I know right now is not the best time to ask you to trust me." She looked at him pleadingly.   
  
"Fine," he said. "But I swear Paige, if you-"  
  
"I won't," she promised quickly, hugging him. "Thank you Dylan." She hesitated. "There is one thing I'd like to do sometime next week though, and I'll need your help."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"I want to go see Briana, will you drive me?"  
  
"But mom said-"  
  
"I know what Mom said, but Dylan, she doesn't get it. I need to see Briana. I want to help her."  
  
Dylan nodded. "We'll go on Tuesday," he agreed.   
  
"Fabulous. Thanks!" She hugged her brother and then went upstairs and took a shower and got ready for her day out with Ashley. She felt better now, after telling someone about her problems. Maybe they were right, maybe if she stayed honest with them, she'd be okay.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
"Hi to you too." Paige stood in the hospital room doorway. "Can I come in?"  
  
Briana shrugged from her bed. "I'm not really in any position to stop you," she said, holding up her left arm. Attached to it was an IV.  
  
Paige sat down next to her. "What's that for?"  
  
"The new way to feed me. So how've you been? You look good."  
  
"Thanks, I've been okay I guess." Paige was trying hard not to stare at Briana. She looked so pale and thin. It was hard to distinguish her skin color from the color of the bed sheets.  
  
"Yeah, that's what mom keeps telling me. Or rather, she's wondering why I can't be more like you." Briana laughed. "Remember when we were little? When our moms wanted you to be more like me?"  
  
Paige laughed too. "Yeah, I was too shy for my mom's liking and you were like, the perfect outgoing child. Maybe if they'd have let us be ourselves, we wouldn't have ended up this way."  
  
"Maybe." Briana sighed. "Please don't ask me to explain myself Paige, I can't. I don't know why I don't want to get better."  
  
Paige nodded. "Let's talk about something more important then," she said, doing what Spinner had done so often with her and dropping the subject. "Was that Eric I saw leaving your room as I was on my way in?"  
  
Briana blushed slightly. "Yeah. He's been here every single day since I've been here."  
  
"Sounds like love," Paige said teasingly.  
  
"Yeah, something like that. What about you and Spinner?"  
  
Now it was Paige's turn to blush. "We're good," she said, unable to hide her smile. "Really really good."  
  
"I'm glad to hear it." Briana sat up, coughing hard.  
  
"You okay?" Paige asked, when the coughing fit was over.  
  
Briana nodded. "My immune system is so bad right now, I've had this cold for almost a month," she said. "It's driving me crazy."  
  
"Well, want to know what's driving me crazy?" Paige asked, another smile on her face.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Your hands. Look at your nails, Briana, when was the last time you had them done?"  
  
"Ha. I can't even remember. They do look sad though, don't they?"  
  
"Definitely. Which is why I brought all this," Paige said, holding up her make-up bag. "Time for some girly stuff, wouldn't you say?"  
  
Briana smiled. "That's why I love you Paige."  
  
"Well, I'm just lovable, what can I say?" She grinned and began to paint Briana's nails a bright pink. While she did so, they laughed and gossiped, and for a bit, it was just like last summer. If she could block out the hospital sounds and the IV's, Paige could almost believe they were just 2 normal girls having a girls' night.  
  
"Much better!" Briana said smiling after her nails were finished. She looked at Paige and her smile faded. "Paige, I'm sorry," she said quietly.  
  
"Sorry? Why?"  
  
"For this. For getting you involved in this. Let's face it, it wasn't something I should ever have started you on."  
  
Paige shook her head. "Don't be sorry," she said. "I didn't do anything I didn't want to at the time. And despite everything your mom or my mom might say, I'm not completely better yet or anything like that."  
  
"You're not?"  
  
"Not by a long shot," Paige said truthfully. "I'm trying, but I don't know. Sometimes, it's just easier to stay like this-"  
  
"And not risk hurting everyone even more by failing?" Briana finished.  
  
"I never thought about it that way," Paige said. "But yeah, exactly."  
  
Briana nodded. "I think that's a lot of my problem Paige. I know right now, I'm hurting everyone. Everyone wants me to get out of here, and I'd love that too. But I know, that if I was to get out of here, and we all got our hopes up that I was better-" She was interrupted by another coughing fit. "And if I let everybody down, the hurt would be ten times as worse. I don't know if they'd get past it."  
  
"I think what I've learned most Briana, is that getting better for everyone else is not the best reason. You have to want to get better for yourself, and screw what everyone else thinks."  
  
"Maybe." Briana coughed again, this time for much longer. Paige looked at her worriedly, pouring a cup of water for her.  
  
"Briana?" The girl was still coughing. Paige was alarmed to see that she was coughing up blood. "Bri?"  
  
Briana couldn't stop coughing, and her eyes were starting to get wide with panic. Before Paige could move, the girl's body was taken over by a seizure and machines started beeping and hissing.  
  
Paige ran out into the hallway, screaming for help. Several doctors and nurses hurried into the room, not letting her back in.   
  
Dylan, who was waiting in the waiting lounge heard the commotion and came over just in time to hold Paige back from rushing back into the room.  
  
"What happened?" He asked.  
  
"I don't know," Paige said. "She was coughing a lot, and then she couldn't stop, and there was blood, and then she started shaking, Dylan, what's going on?" She was so upset her words were all strung together.  
  
"Shh, it's okay," Dylan said, leading her away from the door. "Come sit over here, let the doctors do their thing, and Briana will be fine. Everything's going to be okay." He sat her down on one of the sofas and they waited.  
  
Finally, twenty minutes later, one of the doctors came out.  
  
"We did everything we could, I'm sorry."  
  
Paige shook her head, her eyes filling with tears. "No," she whispered. She felt Dylan's arm around her, holding her up.  
  
"What happened?" Dylan asked.  
  
"I'm not quite sure yet, there's a few possibilities, but I'd like to discuss those more with her mother before I say anything else. Do you know where her mother is?"  
  
"Aunt Lily," Paige whispered. "She's in the cafeteria."  
  
The doctor nodded. "I'll send a nurse to get her." He turned to go back into Briana's room, turning back to face Paige before he went in. "There's nothing you could have done," he said to her, reading her mind. "She was very weak, and it was just a matter of time."  
  
"Come on," Dylan said. "We have to call Mom, and I'm calling Spinner to come get you to take you home."  
  
"I'm not going anywhere."  
  
"Oh yes you are. Paige, come on, being here isn't going to do you any good, let me and Spinner take care of you."  
  
Paige just nodded numbly. Just like that, Briana was gone. Not one hour ago, they were laughing and gossiping, and now she was gone. She didn't even protest when Dylan set her back in a chair so he could call Spinner. She just closed her eyes and began to cry.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"I think I got through to her Spin," Paige whispered. "I think I was getting her to admit she wanted help in getting better." It was later that afternoon and Spinner had taken her from the hospital, and instead of going home, brought her to the beach. It was late enough in the day that the beach was almost deserted, and Spinner didn't know where else to take her.  
  
"What did she say?" he asked carefully.   
  
"She was scared to get better. She didn't want anyone to be hurt if she screwed up. I told her, tried to get her to see, that she needed to get better for herself, not for everyone else. I think she was about to agree before she-" She shut her eyes tight at the memory. "Oh God Spin, it was awful. I was so helpless."  
  
Spinner pulled her into his arms and rubbed her back soothingly. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I wish I could make this all go away for you."  
  
"You can't fix everything all the time," she said softly. And you can't ever fix me, she added silently.  
  
After awhile of just sitting there quietly, looking out at the water, Paige asked to be taken home. She was all cried out, she didn't feel like talking, and she just wanted to crawl into bed and go to sleep.  
  
When they got back to her house Dylan and Tammy were already back from the hospital.  
  
"Paige, you okay?" Dylan asked. "Sorry, stupid question," he said, reading the expression on her face.  
  
"Paige, what on earth were you doing at the hospital today?" Tammy asked. "I thought I asked you not to visit Briana."  
  
Paige just looked at her mom. "At least I got to see her one last time," she choked out.   
  
"We'll talk about it later," Dylan said, shooting a look at their mother. "Are you hungry Paige?"  
  
"No," she said. "I'm tired. I'm going upstairs." She didn't move as Spinner kissed her cheek and squeezed her hand. She didn't even respond when he said he loved her and would call her later.  
  
Dylan stopped Paige before she opened her bedroom door. "Hey," he said. "I just wanted to let you know, I called Olivia today. I hope you're not angry. She would like to see you tomorrow, if you want."  
  
Paige just nodded and went into her bedroom, shutting the door quietly. She lay down on her bed and stared up at the ceiling. Jessica had been right. Nobody escaped this. It didn't matter how strong you were, or how much you wanted to get better, something was always going to stand in your way.  
  
The more she thought about it, the more she thought of Dylan and Spinner, hell even her mom and Jessica and everyone else, the angrier she became. They all wanted her better, yeah, but their reasons for wanting her better? Tammy just didn't want to deal with it; she was basically a project for Olivia. And Dylan and Spinner? Sure they loved her, wanted her better, but Paige was pretty certain even they didn't have completely pure reasons. Some small parts of them had to want her to get better so they didn't have to baby-sit her all the time.  
  
Stop it! Paige screamed at herself silently. She felt terrible, thinking these things about the people closest to her. She knew her thinking was irrational right now, but she couldn't help it. Part of it had to be true, she kept telling herself.  
  
And she couldn't get Briana's words out of her head. Briana had been right. She saw it everyone's faces every time she messed up; the disappointment and the hurt. She felt so guilty for letting everyone down all the time. They didn't deserve it.  
  
Paige wiped the tears from her eyes and reached down underneath her bed, rummaging around until she found what she was looking for.  
  
She held the pill bottle in her hands, looking at it. The pills had been prescribed to her over a year ago, when she had suffered from migraines. She had hated taking the pills because all they did was make her sleepy. But she had never thrown them away.   
  
Paige flashed back to her conversation with Jessica all those months ago. At the time, Paige had been appalled, but she realized now the truth in what Jessica had said. How she'd rather take matters into her own hands then let this awful disease kill her.  
  
She rolled the pill bottle back and forth in her hands. It'd be so much easier for everyone else. It seemed so simple, such an easy answer.  
  
Without a second thought she opened the bottle. One by one, she swallowed pill after pill, losing count after some time.  
  
Feeling drowsy, she closed her eyes. I'll just sleep, she thought. Everything's going to be okay now.  
  
She barely heard Dylan come into the room. Vaguely, she felt him shaking her, but she didn't open her eyes. She just wanted to sleep, why wouldn't he let her sleep? The shaking hurt, and now he was screaming for someone else. The screaming hurt too.  
  
And then everything went dark.  
  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The winter here's cold and bitter   
  
It's chilled us to the bone   
  
We haven't seen the sun for weeks   
  
To long too far from home   
  
I feel just like I'm sinking   
  
And I claw for solid ground   
  
I'm pulled down by the undertow   
  
I never thought I could feel so low   
  
Oh darkness I feel like letting go   
  
If all of the strength and all of the courage   
  
Come and lift me from this place   
  
I know I could love you much better than this   
  
full of grace   
  
full of grace   
  
my love   
  
so it's better this way, I said   
  
having seen this place before   
  
where everything we said and did   
  
hurts us all the more   
  
its just that we stayed, too long   
  
in the same old sickly skin   
  
I'm pulled down by the undertow   
  
I never thought I could feel so low   
  
oh darkness I feel like letting go   
  
if all of the strength   
  
and all of the courage   
  
come and lift me from this place   
  
I know I could love you much better than this   
  
full of grace   
  
full of grace   
  
my love  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
* Full of Grace is on Sarah McLachlan's CD Surfacing * 


	12. A New Beginning

Author's Note ~ I know a lot of you had trouble reviewing the last chapter, that's because I removed the author's note that was the first chapter of the story, which sent all the chapters back a number, and ff.net doesn't let you review the same chapter twice, so for everyone that wanted to review and couldn't, I'm sorry!   
  
As for this chapter, I don't know how happy I am with it. I know where I want this story to go, I'm just having troubles getting it there! So this is mainly filler, but there are a few key things that play into something bigger later on.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Paige opened her eyes and looked around the hospital room. She could see her brother and mother out in the hallway talking to somebody who she assumed was a doctor. The room was bare and cold; she knew she wasn't at Forrest Hills.  
  
Shifting her eyes to look out the window, she sighed. What had she just done? Her head was pounding and her stomach felt like it was being ripped apart from the inside out.   
  
The door opened but she didn't look up to see who was coming in. Judging by the sounds of the footsteps, it was Dylan. He sat down on the bed next to her. After watching him watch her for a long minute Paige finally spoke.  
  
"Go ahead and say it Dylan."  
  
"Not this time Paige. You're going to do the talking."  
  
She sighed. "I didn't mean for this to happen," she said. "I didn't want to hurt myself."  
  
"So what, the pill swallowing just happened by accident?"  
  
Paige flinched at the anger in his voice. "I was upset, I wasn't thinking clearly. Briana just died."  
  
"Incredibly selfish Paige. You're right. Briana just died, and that's a lot for everyone to deal with. And then you go and do this and-" Dylan's voice cracked. "We don't need a second funeral Paige."  
  
Her eyes filled with tears. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I just thought-everything was going to be better this way."  
  
"Better? Paige, I'm the one that found you! I had to do CPR. I watched them pump your stomach. Dammit Paige! I thought you were gone."  
  
Dylan had never talked to her this way before and it scared her. "I'm sorry," she repeated. "I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I was stupid, I didn't think."  
  
Dylan calmed down. "I knew I never should have kept last week a secret from mom," he said. "Maybe if you had gone back to Forrest Hills, you wouldn't have done this."  
  
"If I had gone back there, I never would have gotten to see Briana." Paige sighed. "Where's mom?"  
  
"She's on the phone trying to track Dad down." Dylan paused. "She's scared, Paige. Whatever message you were trying to get across to her, she got it. Loud and clear."  
  
"She shook her head. "That's not what I was trying to do," she whispered. "What happens now?" she asked.  
  
"I don't know. Mom and Dr. Westlake are trying to figure that out."  
  
"What about Olivia? I want to talk to her."  
  
"Dr. Westlake paged her earlier."  
  
Paige nodded. "Where's Spinner?" she asked.  
  
"I didn't call him. I wanted to make sure you were okay before I called and let him know what happened. He wouldn't be able to come see you right now anyways."  
  
"Oh." She closed her eyes, feeling tired again. A knock on the door forced her eyes open again.  
  
"Paige?" A girl not much older than Paige herself came into the room.  
  
"Yeah that's me."  
  
The girl nodded. "I'm Emily, one of Olivia's co-workers." She approached the bed. "Olivia is out of town working with a patient right now, but when she was paged, she called me." Emily handed her a piece of paper. "Olivia had this faxed here for you."  
  
Paige read the note.   
  
Paige, I'm sorry I'm not there to help you right now. I handpicked Emily to come talk to you. Trust her, Paige. Talk to her. She will help. Love, Olivia.  
  
Paige looked up at Emily. "So how much do you know?" she asked.  
  
"I'm going to go find mom," Dylan said, standing up. He looked at Paige. "I'll be back to check on you in a bit."  
  
"Big brother?" Emily asked, sitting down.  
  
Paige nodded. "What has Olivia told you?" she asked again.  
  
"Why don't we get this out of the way first? Paige. I know you're going to be hesitant to talk to me, and that's perfectly reasonable. You've known Olivia a long time now; you're comfortable with her. I'm not much better than a total stranger right now."  
  
"This is supposed to make me feel better?" Paige asked, amused.  
  
Emily laughed. "It might. I want you to know why Olivia chose me specifically to come here today. I know what you're going through Paige. I've been there."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Well, I am a recovering anorexic. I say recovering because I still go to group, and I still have issues I work through." Emily looked straight into Paige's eyes. "When I was 14, I was raped by a friend of mine. After that, I had very low self esteem and not a lot of self-worth, which is what started my eating disorder." She paused. "I also tried to kill myself 2 years ago."  
  
"And you're a psychiatrist?"  
  
Emily shook her head. "Just a counselor," she said laughing. "But believe it or not, I like to think I've helped a few people here and there. And I'd like to help you."  
  
Paige nodded. "How old are you?" she asked.  
  
"Twenty-two. Not much older than you."  
  
"So Olivia told you everything that I've gone through?" she asked.  
  
Emily nodded. "She did. And I looked over your file before I came in here. What do you think Paige, do you think you can trust me enough to open up?"  
  
Paige didn't have to think about it. "If Olivia trusts you, then so do I," she said.  
  
"Good. Okay then, what would you like to talk about first?"  
  
Paige looked down at her hands. "I don't want to kill myself," she said softly. "Believe it or not, I do want to get better."  
  
"So what happened today?" Emily asked gently.  
  
"I went to see my cousin and she-well, do you know what happened?" Emily nodded. "And I don't know, after I left the hospital and everything, I was just in shock. She was gone. She was the 2nd person I knew to die from this, and I didn't think there was any point in fighting it anymore. I took the pills to stop the pain. If I was gone, everyone would stop hurting. My brother, my boyfriend, even my mom."  
  
"You don't think that it would hurt them if you were gone?"  
  
"No, it would, but it would be the last time I hurt them. Every time I mess up, every time I take a step backward, I hurt them. Again and again, and I hate that. I wanted to fix that." She looked down at her hands. "I know how stupid it sounds now."  
  
"It's not stupid Paige. It was reckless, maybe, but not stupid." Emily looked at her. "I believe you when you say you didn't want to kill yourself, but that's what almost happened, and now there are consequences."  
  
"What do you mean?" Paige asked.  
  
"We have to make sure that this never happens again Paige. There are several ways to do that. We can admit you to a psychiatric facility for observations, we can take you back to Forrest Hills for a week or 2-"  
  
"No!" Paige said. "I don't want to go back there, please!"  
  
"Well then, if you don't like either of those options, there's always daily therapy. Same time, every day, for as long as necessary."  
  
Paige closed her eyes. "Which is it going to be?" she asked.  
  
"I don't know yet," Emily said honestly. "That's something we need to discuss with your mother and with Dr. Westlake."  
  
"Oh." She tried to hide her yawn but Emily still saw it.  
  
"I think we've talked enough for now, you should get some sleep," she said, standing up. "We can talk more later."  
  
Paige nodded. "Hey Emily?" she asked.  
  
"Yes Paige?"  
  
"How did you beat this?" she asked.  
  
Emily smiled. "I didn't do it alone, that's for sure," she said. "I'll tell you about it next time."  
  
"Okay." Paige waited until the door was closed again and closed her eyes.   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"How are you holding up?" Spinner asked, sitting down on the porch steps next to Paige. It was a week later, and they had just gotten back to Paige's grandmother's house from Briana's funeral.  
  
Paige rested her head on his shoulder. "I'm okay," she said. And she was. The last week had been rough on her, no question about that, but she was coping. Emily had recommended to Dr. Westlake and to her mother that Paige not be admitted to any hospitals, but rather, kept a close eye on, and daily visits with either Emily or Olivia, and they had agreed.   
  
"Do you feel like going inside?"  
  
Paige shook her head. "Not yet," she said. There were too many people in there. Too many stares, too many whispers. "I haven't cried yet today," she said. "Is that strange?"  
  
"I don't think so," Spinner said. "Just because you're not crying doesn't mean you aren't grieving. You'll cry when you're ready, or maybe you've cried enough all ready."  
  
"Yeah," Paige laughed slightly. "I've cried more than enough lately," she agreed.  
  
"There you are," Tammy said, coming out onto the porch. "You okay honey?" she asked.  
  
"I'm fine Mom. Just didn't want to go in yet."  
  
Tammy nodded. "Spinner, can you give us a moment alone?" she asked.   
  
"Yeah, I'll be inside." He stood up and walked into the house.  
  
"Take a walk with me Paige?" Tammy asked. Paige nodded and stood up. They walked a little ways before Tammy began to talk.  
  
"Paige, I'm sorry," she said. "I haven't been a very good mother lately."  
  
"It's not like I've been the perfect daughter," Paige pointed out.  
  
Tammy shook her head. "That doesn't matter, what matters is that I should be here for you no matter what. I should stop doing what I think needs to be done, and start listening to you and to your doctors, and even Dylan." She paused. "I'm going to try harder Paige, I really am." She stopped walking and reached out to hug her daughter.  
  
"I don't want to lose you Paige. I don't want to ever go through what Lily is going through right now," she whispered. "And I know that's selfish, but it's the truth. I can't lose my daughter."  
  
Paige hugged her mother back. "I love you mom," she said. It had been a long time since she had actually said that.  
  
"I love you too Sweetie." Tammy stroked her daughter's hair. "Things are going to be better now," she promised. "We're going to be better now."  
  
And for the first time in months, Paige believed her mother. After all, things couldn't get much worse, could they? 


	13. Back to School

Author's Note ~ Okay, so I know I have to go back through this story and adjust some of the time frames to make it one year since the beginning of the story now, but I'll be doing that when I have the time, so for now, just pretend that it all adds up to one year later. Also, this chapter doesn't have a lot of drama to it, I felt like writing a lighter chapter to balance out everything else. To show Paige's recovery as it progresses and all that fun stuff. Hmm, anything else I need to add up here...umm..Oh, just that I'm having huge bursts of inspiration for this story more often now, so hopefully the updates will keep being as frequent as they are. As usual, Enjoy! Review! (But don't cry, I felt sincerely bad that the one chapter turned into such an emotional one. But then again, I guess I wrote it pretty well if it was so emotional, * wink * )  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Another year at Degrassi," Spinner said, as they stood at the steps of the school. "Can't say I've missed this place."  
  
Paige laughed, pulling her sunglasses to the top of her head and sliding her hand back into his. "But think Spin, grade 12! This is the last time we'll stand here and think another year at Degrassi."   
  
Spinner's face brightened. "You're so right," he agreed. "Hey, maybe I can stay out of Kwan's class this year."  
  
"I'm afraid not Gavin." Ms. Kwan was standing in front of them, smiling slightly. "I'm the Grade 12 homeroom teacher this year."  
  
"Perfect," Spinner muttered under his breath.  
  
Paige laughed. "Hi Ms. Kwan," she said, as they all walked into the school.  
  
"Hello Paige, summer seems to have agreed with you."  
  
Paige nodded. It had. It really had. Two months since Briana's funeral, and Paige was doing better than anyone had expected. She was back to seeing Olivia every other week, but on alternating weeks, she was attending group sessions that Emily led. Her weight was staying strong at 108 pounds, and most importantly, she actually felt better.   
  
Everyone was impressed with her, with how well she was doing. She was slowly becoming the cheerful, bright, bubbly teenager she had been nearly 2 years ago.  
  
Was it easy? Nope. Not by a long shot. Day to day was still a struggle for Paige, but it was a struggle she happily dealt with. She could deal with it. She could handle the bad days. She could handle the really bad days. Lucky for her though, the good days were starting to outnumber the bad.  
  
After homeroom Paige had English and Spinner had Math, so they headed in different directions, promising to meet up by the lockers for lunch.  
  
English was going to be terrible this year, Paige realized as the teacher began going over the syllabus. Sure, Paige had missed a lot of work the previous year, but she had made enough of it up. This new English teacher just seemed to think it was the most important class, and therefore had no problem assigning several huge papers on books Paige knew would take weeks to read.  
  
Science wasn't going to be much better, she realized the next hour. Ms. Hatzilakos was going on and on about the projects and lab assignments and before she was finished, Paige just tuned her out.  
  
After lunch they all had to attend a presentation that dealt with university applications, and choosing the right university and all related topics. It was then that Paige realized she hadn't even begun to think about university. It was right around the corner and she had no idea where she wanted to go and what she wanted to study.  
  
"Don't stress over it," Ashley advised her as they watched Spinner and the rest of the guys at soccer practice later that afternoon. "Lots of us don't know where we're going to end up."  
  
"You know though, right?"  
  
Ashley shrugged. "I want to go to a Liberal Arts school, that's about all I know right now."  
  
Paige nodded, feeling a little bit better. "I used to think about going to NYU," she remembered.  
  
"Wow, New York. Does Spinner know?"  
  
"No, I haven't told him." She flinched as a play out on the field went wrong and Spinner landed flat on his back. He was up and running again before she could even blink. "I don't think he'd be happy if I moved to New York," she admitted.   
  
"Yeah but Paige, come on. Did you think you 2 would end up at the same school?"  
  
"I never really thought about it all that much," Paige answered. She shook her head. "It doesn't matter. I couldn't move that far away anyways."  
  
"Hmm."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Paige, you wouldn't stay here just because of Spinner, would you? Ashley asked.  
  
"Ash." Paige looked back out at the soccer field. "It's hard to explain. I had a really bad year, to say the lease. He was there the entire time. And I mean the entire time," she said, stressing each word. "I couldn't just leave like that now. I couldn't leave him here."  
  
After practice was over Ashley went home while Paige waited for Spinner.  
  
"Hey," he said, leaning in to kiss her.  
  
"Gross," she said, pulling away. "Shower first hon."  
  
"Right. Sorry. So, how was your day? I didn't see much of you. I thought we had most of the same classes."  
  
"Guess not. It's official though. I hate school." Paige said it with a smile. "How about you?"  
  
"Yeah, I can't say I'm happy to be back either. But hey, I've got good news."  
  
"What's that?"   
  
"Guess who was voted captain of the soccer team?" He asked proudly.  
  
"From the smile on your face, I'm guessing it's not Sean. Spin, that's great!" She hugged him quickly, trying not to make a face as she pulled away again. "Yeah, I'm not going to be able to do that again until you shower."  
  
"I said I was sorry! Geez, it's not like I complain about hugging you after spirit squad practice!"  
  
"That's because I don't smell like that after practice, thank you very much." Paige had reclaimed her spot as co-captain of the squad a few days ago.  
  
"Of course you don't," Spinner said rolling his eyes. They had reached Paige's house and sat down on her front porch. "So what did you think about that whole college talk we got today?"  
  
"Pretty scary," Paige said. "I haven't even thought of college yet."  
  
"Well, you've had other things on your mind," Spinner pointed out.   
  
"Still, my grades weren't the greatest last year, obviously. I'm going to have to work pretty hard this year to get back where I need to be."  
  
Spinner sighed. "From the sounds of it, we're both going to be really busy here. That better not mean I'm not going to see you as much as I'd like to."  
  
Paige smiled at him. "I think we'll be okay," she said.   
  
"Yeah, we better be. Hey, you know what's coming up soon, right?" he asked, sitting up a little bit straighter.  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Our anniversary," he said. "One year, I can't believe you didn't remember that."  
  
Paige laughed. "That's like, 2 months away Spin."  
  
"I know. I better start planning. Don't want to screw this up."  
  
"You couldn't screw it up. I promise." Paige sighed. " I hate to say this, but I should get in there and start reading this book for English."  
  
"See, it's already beginning. We really are never going to see each other."  
  
"Oh shush, we will too." Paige rolled her eyes and kissed him on the cheek. "Go home and shower. I'll call you later tonight, okay?"  
  
"Okay. Love you."  
  
"Love you too. Bye." She went inside, and yelled to see if anyone was home. She was alone, which was nice. She grabbed a snack from the kitchen and headed up to her bedroom to start reading.  
  
She didn't get very far, maybe 15 pages before she realized she was reading the same sentence over and over. She sighed, closing the book. She didn't really want to read I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, anyways. Her mind was elsewhere; particularly on the subject of college.  
  
What if she decided she wanted to go to NYU? What would Spinner think? What would her mom and Dylan think? Would they let her go? Was it their decision in the first place? She shook her head, trying to process one question at a time.   
  
Maybe Emily could help her sort through this. From what she knew, Emily had moved here from the States herself. She would have dealt with family and friends not wanting her to move away when she was sick, but she had done it anyways.  
  
Reaching over to the nightstand she picked up the phone and dialed a number she knew by heart.   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"NYU huh?" Emily asked. It was about an hour later and they had met at the Dot to talk. "I hear that's a pretty cool place. What do you want to study?"  
  
"Art history," Paige said without thinking about it. She shrugged. "Who knows, I just remember visiting my older cousin there and I fell in love with the school. With New York City."  
  
"So what's the problem then Paige? Apply to NYU." Emily took a drink of her milkshake.  
  
"It's not that simple though." Paige sighed. "You moved here for University, right?"  
  
Emily nodded. "Yeah, I went to Mt. Royal."  
  
"Was it hard?" Paige asked. "Leaving everyone you knew behind?"  
  
"It wasn't easy, but it was something I wanted to do. And once I was here, it got easier every day."  
  
"What about everyone else?"   
  
"Paige, you're asking coded questions here. Just come out and ask the question."  
  
"Did your family not want you to move? Did they think it would hurt your recovery? Did-" she paused. "Did you feel guilty for leaving them after they had been there for everything you went through?"  
  
"Your mom and brother don't want you to go to NYU?"  
  
"I haven't even mentioned it to them," Paige admitted. "But I know they won't be offering to help me fill out the application forms."  
  
"Why do you think that?"  
  
"I'm not stupid Em. Mom's going to freak out because her baby wants to move to the States. Dylan's going to worry that once I move to New York he won't be there to protect me and keep me safe. And Spinner-" she sighed. "He's freaking out because we can't spend 22 hours a day together because of school and extracurriculars."  
  
"Well, they're all still worried Paige. It's only been two months since you were in the hospital. You've gone longer than that being fine before slipping up again."  
  
"I know." Paige took a sip of her diet coke. "My friend Ashley said something today, and it scared me a little."  
  
"What did she say?"  
  
"She asked me if I would consider staying here because of Spinner. I told her it wasn't as simple as that, but maybe it is. I would stay here for him. Because of all he's been this past year." She looked down at her hands. "But I don't want to be that kind of girl. The kind that feels obligated to her boyfriend. What would I be giving up if I stayed here?"  
  
"Okay first of all, I think you're overanalyzing this way too much," Emily said. "Paige, it's the first day of your senior year. The first day. That alone is extremely stressful. And immediately jumping into worrying about University and everything that goes along with it is only going to stress you out even more. You don't need the answers today. You don't even need them next month. Believe it or not, you do have time. My advice right now is to stop worrying so much and just enjoy this last year of school. Because I don't want to see you get so stressed out that you'll end up back at Forrest Hills."  
  
"That's not going to happen," Paige promised.  
  
"I want to believe you. But I also know what stress can do. So promise me you're going to stop worrying so much. There are all sorts of people who can help you make this decision. Your parents, Dylan, Spinner, me, Olivia, the guidance counselor at school; we're all here to help you."  
  
Paige nodded. "Can I ask one more thing?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
When you moved to Mt. Royal." She hesitated. "Did you get sick again?"  
  
Emily bit her lip before nodding. "Yeah, I did. Big time."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Not something we should really get into Paige. Really."  
  
"Please?"  
  
Emily sighed. "It was hard Paige. Being in a new country, a new school, not knowing a single person. It was a lot to handle, and while I was strong, I wasn't that strong. It all built up and I needed a release. Guess what that release ended up being."  
  
Paige looked down. That was exactly what she was afraid of.  
  
Emily saw the look on her face. "Hey. That's just what happened to me though Paige. Don't automatically assume that the same thing will happen to you. I won't lie, if you do move, it's going to be tough. It's going to be hard, but you are very strong right now, and I see you only getting stronger. Maybe by next year, you'll have totally overcome this, and everything will be fine. Don't be afraid to make a decision based on what could possibly happen, just because it happened to someone else." Emily smiled. "And don't make that decision immediately tonight, because you need to remember, there are a million schools out there, not just NYU, and maybe there's one closer that you'll love just as much."  
  
Paige nodded and smiled. "Thanks Emily."  
  
"No, thank you Paige. You know what I learned from you just now?"  
  
"What?"  
  
Emily smiled again. "You're making plans for the future Paige. That shows me you want to beat this. You want to be around to do all these things like graduate, and college, and everything else."  
  
Paige grinned, realizing Emily was right. She did want to do all those things. And she couldn't do them if she was sick and in the hospital.  
  
Now all she had to do was get through Grade 12.  
  
Piece of cake, right? 


	14. Three Days

~*Day One*~  
  
"Paige, see me after class?"  
  
Paige sighed and nodded at Mr. Simpson. It wasn't the first time this week she had heard those 5 words. She'd heard them from 3 other teachers. One more, and she'd be visiting every teacher she had.  
  
"What's Simpson want?" Ashley whispered, leaning over the computer desk toward Paige.  
  
Paige rolled her eyes. "D on the last quiz," she whispered back before getting an annoyed look from Mr. Simpson. It wasn't her first low grade of the week either.  
  
Two months into the year and Paige's grades were less than stellar. She had started out doing well, but she was slowly losing steam. That, and the Advanced Placement classes Ms. Sovet had talked her into taking were harder than she had figured they would be.   
  
"Paige, I'm a little concerned," Mr. Simpson began after the bell rang, leaving them alone in the classroom. "You started out so strong this semester, but the past week or so, you've been falling behind. How can I help you Paige? What can I do to get you back to where I know you should be performing?"  
  
Paige took a deep breath and recited the answer she had given the other teachers. She tried to keep her voice sincere and pleasant, suggesting extra study time at home and less after school activities. Sure enough, the answer satisfied Mr. Simpson and she was on her way home in no time.  
  
"Mom?" Paige called, dropping her stuff in the front hallway. Lying on the table next to the front door was a note from Tammy, saying that she was unexpectedly called out of town on business and would call as soon as her plane landed.   
  
Paige read the note and smiled to herself. Tammy didn't know it, but her timing couldn't have been better.  
  
Tomorrow night was Paige and Spinner's one-year anniversary. She wasn't sure if Spinner had anything really special planned, but now that her mom was gone for the night and Dylan was going to be gone overnight for some school sports tournament. An empty house and a romantic night? How could Spinner say no?  
  
She grabbed the phone and took it up to her room to make the call. Making herself comfortable on the bed she dialed Spinner's cell phone number.  
  
"Hey Spin, it's me," she said when she got his voice mail. "I thought you'd be home by now, but I guess not. Um, I have a fabulous idea about tomorrow night, so call me when you get this message. Bye hon."  
  
"Fabulous idea, eh?"  
  
Paige jumped, glaring at Dylan, who was standing in her doorway. "Eavesdrop much?" she asked.   
  
"Hardly. Just passing by. So what's your fabulous idea?" Dylan sat down on her bed. "Because I'm just dying to know."  
  
"Shut up," she said, hitting him with a pillow and laughing. She debated telling him, finally deciding that she may as well. She had kept her mouth shut enough times before on where he had been or who he had over before. The least he could do was keep this secret.  
  
"Well, with you and mom both gone tomorrow night, and tomorrow night being my one-year anniversary with Spin, I'm guessing we'll end up back here for the night."  
  
"What's so special about-Oh!" Dylan grinned. "You guys haven't yet, have you?"  
  
"So none of your business!" Paige said, sticking her tongue out. "Are you going to tell mom or not?"  
  
"Not. If you don't tell mom about Paul coming over tonight."  
  
"Paul again? This is the 4th time you've seen him this week. Sounds pretty serious to me," Paige said teasingly.  
  
"So none of your business!" Dylan mocked her. "But yeah, go ahead and have fun tomorrow night. Safe fun of course."  
  
"You too, tonight," Paige said. She leaned over and hugged Dylan. "Now get out of my room, I have homework I need to do."  
  
Paige piled all of her schoolbooks onto her bed, trying to figure out where to start. There was a 5-page paper due in history, and a lab report for science. 10 chapters needed to be read for English Lit by the middle of next week. Already, she had a headache, and she hadn't even started.  
  
She turned on the computer, deciding to start working on the history paper. After about an hour or so, she heard Dylan yelling up the stairs that she had a phone call. She hadn't even heard the phone ring.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hey Paige, it's Olivia, how are you?"  
  
"Hey Olivia, I'm good. Studying like crazy, what's going on?"  
  
"Actually, I was hoping we could reschedule tomorrow's session for later this week? I'm going to be in meetings all day with some research people, and I'm afraid I won't get out in time to meet you."  
  
Paige hesitated. She had actually wanted to talk to Olivia this week, mostly because of all the stress school was putting on her.   
  
Olivia picked up on the hesitation. "I can check and see if Emily can meet with you tomorrow?" she suggested.  
  
"That'd be good," Paige said, relieved.   
  
"Great. I'll check with Emily and have her call you. Have a good weekend Paige."  
  
Paige hung up the phone and turned back to her computer. Another couple of hours later she decided to stop with the history paper and decided to work on the lab report. She finished that quicker than she thought, and without stopping to take a break, picked up the book for English Lit and started reading. Halfway through her 3rd chapter, she fell asleep.  
  
When she woke up, it was after midnight. How could she have slept that long? She wondered. She looked at the computer screen, seeing that she had a new email. It was from Spinner, saying that he had called but Dylan didn't want to wake her up, so she could call him whenever she woke up that night."  
  
Paige picked up the phone and dialed the number. "Hey you," she said when he picked up.  
  
"Hey sleepyhead! What's going on?"  
  
"Not a lot. I was just wondering about tomorrow night."  
  
"What about it? I told you, we're going out to dinner and stuff."  
  
"And stuff." Paige laughed. "What if I told you that both of my parents and Dylan were all going to be gone tomorrow night? All night."  
  
"I think our plans just changed," Spinner said.   
  
"I was hoping you'd say that."  
  
"Yeah, but are you sure?"  
  
"I wouldn't have asked otherwise. Spin, I promise, we'll have fun." She yawned. "But it's late, and we have that test second hour, so I'm going to go back to sleep and talk to you tomorrow, okay?"  
  
"Okay. Love you."  
  
"Love you too, good night." Paige crawled into bed with her Government book, hoping she'd stay awake long enough to review the chapter she was going to be tested on tomorrow. Despite her best attempts, 20 minutes later she was asleep again.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
~*Day Two*~  
  
"Paige, how'd you do on the test?" Spinner asked, catching up with her in the hallway just before lunch.  
  
Paige shook her head and slammed her locker shut. "I think it's safe to say I failed," she said. Her day had a crappy start; she had overslept and ended up being almost half an hour late to class, and then she had forgotten to email her draft of her history paper to her school account, and then the test in Government had been a lot tougher than she thought it would be. And then, to top it all off, Emily had called her and told her she couldn't reschedule her appointment with Olivia, but would be around all weekend if Paige needed to talk.  
  
"Aww honey." Spinner wrapped his arms around her kissed the top of her head. "Happy Anniversary," he said sweetly.  
  
Despite herself, Paige smiled. "Happy Anniversary hon." She tilted her head sideways. "So where are you taking me tonight?"  
  
"That's a secret."  
  
"Tell me!" She was surprised when her stomach growled then. Spinner noticed it, because his arms were still wrapped around her.   
  
"Skip breakfast this morning?" he asked.  
  
Paige realized she had. And she hadn't eaten dinner the night before. "Yeah, I guess I did, what with sleeping late and everything."  
  
"Poor girl, let's get you to the cafeteria then. See what Sheila's passing off as food today."  
  
Paige was slightly surprised that Spinner didn't even question her skipping a meal. Sure, she was telling the truth, but any other time, he would have been all over her, asking a thousand questions about it.  
  
After school, Spinner drove Paige home. "Okay," he said, unbuckling her seat belt for her. "I will be back here at 7:30 to pick you up. 7:30 exactly. You've been warned. I want you totally ready by then, understood?"  
  
"Yes sir!" Paige saluted him, then leaned over and kissed him. "See you soon. Love you." She hopped out of the jeep and watched as he drove away before going into the house. It was almost 4:30 now; she didn't have a lot of time to get ready.   
  
After getting out of the shower and drying her hair, Paige started to get dressed. She decided to wear a dress she had bought over a month ago, but hadn't worn yet. It was pink and silky; very girly. She knew Spinner would make fun of it at first, but well, that's what boys did. She stood in front of the mirror and carefully applied her make-up. She couldn't remember the last time she had put this much effort into her appearance. Sliding into her shoes she looked at her reflection one last time.   
  
Paige almost didn't recognize the girl looking back at her. Hair and make-up done, her weight had gone up considerably, filling her out in certain places more than others. She turned on one heel and smiled. Perfect, she decided.  
  
Downstairs, she sat down in the living room to wait for Spinner. She had about 5 minutes before he showed up. She was starting to feel nervous about the night ahead.   
  
This was partly why she had wanted to see either Olivia or Emily. She knew she wanted tonight to happen with Spinner, but it was a huge step for her. After everything she had gone through, this was something she couldn't take lightly. Part of her was afraid she'd change her mind at the last minute, and another part of her was afraid she would ruin the whole night. She heard Spinner's jeep pull into the driveway, so she took a deep breath, calmed her self down, and went to open the door.  
  
"Hey you," she said when she saw him. He looked absolutely gorgeous, she realized. It really was something, what a bright blue button-down shirt and khakis did for Spinner.   
  
"Hello Beautiful," he said, leaning down to kiss her. "You look amazing."  
  
"Thanks, so do you."  
  
"For you," he said, handing her a dozen pink roses. "Now tell me, are you ready?"  
  
"100%" She declared proudly. "Let me go put these in water, and we can go."  
  
Dinner was perfect. Spinner had taken her to a little Italian restaurant just out of town. After dinner, they had driven out to the beach and sat on the pier, watching the boats come in for the night.  
  
"We have to stay here for a little bit," Spinner explained. "10:42 exactly, in fact."  
  
"Why 10:42?" Paige asked.  
  
"You'll see." Spinner leaned in to kiss her. "Until then, I'll keep you occupied," he said, pulling on a strand of her hair teasingly.  
  
After awhile, the alarm on Spinner's watch went off, signaling that it was 10:42. "Okay cool," he said, pulling a piece of paper out of his pocket. "Let's see if I can get this right."  
  
"Get what right?" Paige laughed. "Spin, what's going on?"  
  
"Okay, right here." He stood up and helped her up. "All right, stand facing this way. A little bit more to the left. A little more. Perfect. Okay, now, see that constellation right there? Cassiopeia?"  
  
"Yeah," she said, looking where he was pointing.  
  
"Okay, now, start at the top star in the right. Count 4 stars over. Down one more. And one to the left. See that star?"  
  
Paige counted and counted and finally saw what Spinner was pointing at. "Yeah," she said slowly. "What about it?"  
  
"Well, it's yours," he said slowly, wrapping his arms around her from behind and kissing her neck. "I had it named after you."  
  
Paige was stunned. "You did?"  
  
"Mmmhmm. It's all yours. I wanted to give you something special, and you are the hardest person to shop for. I figured I couldn't go wrong with this."  
  
Paige turned around and hugged him. "I love you," she said softly. "You're the best, and I don't deserve you. But I'm so happy I have you."  
  
"I will take that as a thank you," Spinner said.  
  
Paige laughed. "Thank you, thank you, thank you," she said. "Come on, let's go back to my place, I have your gift there." She rolled her eyes as his eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Not that, silly. That's later tonight." They headed back to the jeep and were on their way back to Paige's.  
  
"It's weird being here without your mom or Dylan," Spinner laughed, as they sat down on the sofa in the living room. "You sure Dylan's not waiting with a gun around the corner?"  
  
"Promise," Paige said, handing him a box wrapped in silver paper. She tucked her legs underneath her and waited for him to open it.  
  
'Drumsticks?" he asked, looking up.  
  
Paige smiled. "Not just any drumsticks," she said. "Turn them over."  
  
Spinner turned them over. "Paige, these are signed. By every member of Simple Plan!" (Author's Note: I don't know that Spinner knows who Simple Plan are, but let's pretend it's his favorite band.) "Paige, how did you get these?"  
  
"My mom has a friend whose daughter works for Simple Plan." Paige shrugged. "Do you like it?" she asked shyly.  
  
"Paige, this is awesome!" he said, twirling the sticks in his hands. "I love it!" He set the box down on the table next to them and kissed Paige. They fell back against the cushions.   
  
Paige's stomach was fluttering. This wasn't so bad after all, she thought to herself. It wasn't even at all bad. But she was still nervous, and scared as well. After awhile it was obvious that Spinner was waiting for her to give him a signal that she was ready, but she couldn't bring herself to say it. Not yet.  
  
Finally, Spinner pulled away. "Are you okay?" he asked, looking at her for reassurance.  
  
Paige took a deep breath and nodded. "Let's go upstairs," she whispered.  
  
"You sure?"  
  
Paige nodded again. She took his hand and led him up the stairs to her bedroom.  
  
Once inside, they stood there awkwardly, looking at each other. This was way harder than either had imagined it would be.  
  
Paige leaned over and kissed his cheek. "I'll be right back," she promised. "I just have to get a drink of water. Do you want anything?"  
  
He shook his head and watched as she left the room.  
  
Paige shut the bathroom door behind her, leaning against it and breathing hard. This wasn't good, she realized. She wasn't sure, but she thought she was having a panic attack. Her heart was pounding and she was getting dizzy she felt sick to her stomach.  
  
She stared at herself in the mirror. "No," she whispered firmly. "Don't even think about it, just calm down." But even then, she was thinking it. It was just like that first time, after her date with Spinner at the ice cream shop. Her stomach was upset; maybe she had eaten something she shouldn't have.   
  
"No," she repeated to herself. But the voice inside her head was already arguing with her. "She'd feel better afterward. Just once, and all the stress from the last 2 days would disappear. She'd be able to go back into her bedroom and be with Spinner.  
  
Tears streaming down her face, Paige turned the water faucet on to drown out the sound. Just once, she promised herself. One time, no one would have to know about it. No one would ever know.  
  
"Sorry about that," Paige said a few minutes later, coming back into her bedroom. "I redid my make-up."  
  
Spinner laughed. "We don't have to do this Paige," he said. "I'm entirely happy with how tonight's turned out."  
  
"Maybe I'm not," she said, sitting down on the bed next to him. "Spinner, I want to be with you. Believe me when I say that. We just need to go slow, okay?"  
  
"Okay," he said, kissing her. Paige forced the thoughts of 5 minutes ago out of her head and focused on Spinner. He was being so patient, so gentle, waiting for her to make every single move.   
  
Finally, what could have been hours later, neither of them were sure of the present time, they were both undressed and in each other's arms.  
  
Almost there, Paige told herself. Almost.  
  
"Paige, you're shaking," Spinner whispered.  
  
Paige opened her eyes and looked up into his. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I can't."  
  
"It's okay," he said, rolling off of her and pulling her into his arms. "Don't be sorry, it's okay. I'm not going anywhere. We'll just lie here and sleep, okay?"  
  
Paige nodded against his chest. It felt good lying in his arms, and while she knew he was disappointed even if he wouldn't admit it, she also knew he wasn't lying. He wasn't angry with her.  
  
She listened as his breathing regulated into his sleeping pattern. She felt awful. She was telling the truth earlier when she said she didn't deserve him. Spinner deserved someone so much better than her. Someone who wouldn't lie to him. Someone that could actually be with him without freaking out.  
  
Someone who wasn't a complete letdown.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
~*Day Three*~  
  
Paige woke up and noticed three things immediately.  
  
One, she was completely naked.  
  
Two, she wasn't alone.  
  
And three, the other person was completely naked as well.  
  
Finally, last night came back to her and she relaxed. She was with Spinner. Rolling over, she smiled at the figure sound asleep next to her.  
  
He looked so cute, she realized, tracing his jaw line with one perfectly polished fingernail. She was totally and completely in love with this person.  
  
She leaned over and kissed his lips. He didn't stir. She tried again. And again. Finally, his eyes flickered open.  
  
"Hey sleepyhead," she whispered.   
  
"Hey," he said, smiling at her.  
  
"I love you," she whispered. Before he could answer, she leaned in and kissed him again. She barely let Spinner wake up completely before guiding him into what she was finally ready for.  
  
"You really know how to start out a day," he teased awhile later, kissing the tip of her nose.  
  
Paige just smiled and pulled the bedspread tighter around her. "I couldn't help it, you looked too cute asleep."  
  
Just then they heard the front door slam, causing them both to jump.  
  
"Who is that?" Spinner asked.  
  
Paige shook her head. "I don't know. Stay here!" She slid her bathrobe on and went into the hallway. "Hello?"  
  
Dylan came up the stairs. "Good morning sunshine!" he said cheerfully. "Just to let you know, mom called my cell phone. She'll be home in about 45 minutes." He disappeared into his room, but not before yelling out, "Morning Spinner!"  
  
Spinner was already dressed when Paige came back into the room. "I think that's my cue to leave," he said.  
  
Paige nodded. "Yeah, mom wouldn't be too happy." She walked him downstairs. "What are you doing today?"  
  
He shrugged. "I promised Kendra I'd help her out with some field hockey plays this afternoon but that's about it. You want to catch a movie tonight?"  
  
"Yeah, sounds good." She hugged him. "Thanks for last night," she whispered.  
  
"I think we both enjoyed ourselves," he said, grinning. "I will call you later," he promised. "Love you."  
  
"Love you too." Paige closed the door after he drove away and closed her eyes.  
  
She was a horrible person. How could she do what she had done last night? Now she knew what alcoholics must feel like; to work so hard at being well for so long, to throw months of progress away in one weak moment.  
  
She was hopeless. Obviously she was never going to overcome this. How could she, when she was so weak that all it took was 2 minutes of internal dialogue to convince her self she wasn't doing anything wrong?  
  
Paige headed for the kitchen, deciding breakfast was necessary. She knew there was a chance everything she ate would end up coming back up, but hey, all the more reason to eat.   
  
As she ate, two questions nagged at her conscience. How was she going to hide this from everyone? And more importantly, how long was she going to let it go on before she did something about it?  
  
Sighing, she decided she was too tired to think about any of it and headed back upstairs. She fell back into her bed, buried her face in the pillow that still smelled like Spinner, and slipped into a dreamless sleep. She would worry about everything later. 


	15. Secrets and Lies

Author's Note ~ I know I've said it many times before, but I have to say it again. Every single one of you that have reviewed this story rock! You guys (girls, whatever) seriously are the best! Thanks so much!!   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Later that same day, Paige was still up in her bedroom contemplating what to do. Part of her wanted to ignore what she had done and go on pretending like nothing had happened, while another part of her wanted to tell everyone. The only thing that scared her was what would happen if she did tell anyone. Would she end up back in the hospital? How would they all react? Would they be able to forgive her this time?   
  
"Paige?" Tammy knocked on her bedroom door. "Honey, are you feeling okay? You haven't come downstairs once today."  
  
Perfect, Paige thought to herself. "I think I'm coming down with something," she lied as her mother came into the room.  
  
"You're a little warm," Tammy said, placing her hand on Paige's forehead. "Can I get you anything? Some juice maybe?"  
  
"No thanks," Paige said. "How was your trip?"  
  
"It was good, considering it was work. I'm sorry I left without telling you, but you know how my boss is."  
  
"I know," Paige said nodding. "Last night was mine and Spinner's anniversary," she said.  
  
"Oh that's right! What did you 2 end up doing?"   
  
"We went out to dinner and then to the beach. He loved his drumsticks," she added.  
  
"Oh good! And what did he end up getting you?"  
  
Paige smiled softly. "He had a star named after me," she said. "Sweetest thing ever."  
  
"Aww, how cute." Tammy smiled back. "You know sweetie, last night was the anniversary of something else too."  
  
Paige looked down. "I know. A year ago, I went into the hospital."  
  
Tammy nodded. "The last year has been rough Paige. But you've pulled through, and you've gotten yourself back on track, and I couldn't be prouder of you Paige." Tammy handed her a small box. "And your dad and I got you this to show you just how proud of you we are," she said, smiling.  
  
Paige felt sick as she took the gift. She opened the jewelry box and pulled out a silver charm bracelet. "Mom, you didn't have to do this," she said.  
  
"I know, but we wanted to. Do you like it?"  
  
Paige nodded. "It's beautiful," she said quietly. "Thank you."  
  
"You're welcome." Tammy stood up. "I'll let you rest some more, if you need anything, just let me know." She kissed her on the forehead and left the room.  
  
Paige lay back down and closed her eyes. She had felt guilt over things before, but nothing compared to what she was feeling right now.  
  
There was no way she could tell her mom about last night now. She couldn't tell anyone.   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
It didn't take a week. It didn't even take 2 days. Suddenly, Paige was thrown back into the cycle of eating and not eating and throwing up and lying, and she was thrown into it full force.   
  
She had pretended to have the flu for about a week and a half, and that took care of no one questioning her being sick and not eating. It had been a good thing that the flu had been going around at that time.  
  
She had avoided going to therapy sessions for almost 2 weeks now by telling Olivia she was seeing Emily and vice versa. She didn't know how long she could keep that up before they would notice, but she was going to do it until she had to stop.  
  
Midterms were coming up, so that was her excuse not to see Spinner as much as she had been. He was starting to get a little upset about that, but he knew the situation she was in with schoolwork, and he knew she had to work really hard to get her grades back up.  
  
Dylan was finally getting back into having his own life now that he was in University, so he wasn't doing the overprotective big-brother thing as much as he had been.  
  
"Hey Paige, wait up!" Spinner called out to her as soon as she came out of Ms. Hatzilakos's room.  
  
Paige smiled and waited for him to catch up with her. "Hey stranger."  
  
"You're the stranger, Miss Forgot-She-Has-a-Boyfriend." Spinner grinned at her. "What are the chances I can convince you to come out with me tonight?"  
  
"I don't know Spin. I have a lot of work."  
  
"Paige, you always have a lot of work! You're going to burn out on school soon, and then what's going to happen?" He looked at her with puppy dog eyes. "Please? Just 2 hours of your time, that's all I want. We'll hang out and watch lame reality TV, or whatever you want to do."  
  
Paige smiled despite herself. "Come over around 5?" she asked finally.  
  
"I'll be there at ten to five!" Spinner promised, smiling widely. He was relieved Paige had agreed to do something finally. They hadn't been on a real date since their anniversary, and ever since then, Paige had become a little distant. He knew she had been sick, and she was worried about school, but whenever they were together, he could tell something was off with her.  
  
Dylan had noticed it too. Despite what Paige had been thinking these past few weeks, Dylan did realize something was wrong again. He didn't know quite what was going on yet, but he had checked with her to make sure she was still going to therapy, and she rarely missed dinner, so he wasn't sure. He just knew something was off and had shared his worries with Spinner.  
  
"Spin? Spinner?" Paige snapped her fingers in front of his face. "Wake up hon."  
  
Spinner blinked his eyes. "I'm sorry, what?" he asked.  
  
Paige laughed. "It doesn't matter, I was just talking, but you so weren't paying attention." She made a face as they reached her next classroom. "I better get in there. See you later this afternoon." She kissed his cheek and ignored the look she got from Principal Radditch as he walked by.   
  
After school Paige went home and found Dylan waiting for her in the kitchen.  
  
"Hey, what's up?" she asked casually. She grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge.  
  
"Not much," Dylan replied. "Haven't seen much of you lately, anything interesting going on?"  
  
"Same stuff as always," she said with a shrug. "School sucks, I don't see enough of my boyfriend, and the pair of shoes I wanted cost more than mom makes in a month." She took a drink of water. "How are things with you? How's Paul?"  
  
"Paul's great, we have a lot of fun together." Dylan hesitated. "Can I ask you something Paige?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Are you pregnant?"  
  
Paige choked on her water, resulting in a coughing fit. "Are you crazy?" she managed to ask finally.  
  
"Well something's obviously wrong Paige. You've seemed a little down lately and I thought maybe you were using the whole flu thing as a cover-up. Plus, I know you and Spinner slept together."  
  
Right cover-up, wrong problem, Paige thought to herself. "No, I'm not pregnant," she promised.  
  
"Then what is it Paige? I hate to even ask this, but are you sick again?"  
  
"No," she lied, looking him straight in the eye. "That's not it either." She sighed, knowing what she had to do now. She had to tell Dylan the big news she had received a week earlier.  
  
"Dylan, I've got something to tell you, but you can't tell mom. I'll tell her soon."  
  
"What is it?"  
  
"I got accepted to University last week."  
  
"That's great Paige! I didn't even know you had applied already. Where were you accepted?"  
  
"NYU," she said without looking at him.  
  
"New York? Paige, what are you thinking?"  
  
She shrugged. "It's a great school," she said meekly.  
  
"Yeah, in the United States. Paige, there's no way mom and dad are going to agree to that!"  
  
"I know! Why do you think I've been so stressed lately?" Paige asked. "I know mom and dad will fight me on this." It wasn't exactly a lie; it was a stressful situation for her.  
  
"Have you applied anywhere else?"  
  
"I don't want to go anywhere else," Paige said.   
  
"What about you and Spinner?"  
  
"We wouldn't have ended up at the same school anyways," Paige pointed out. "I'm sure he'll be happy for me."  
  
"Yeah, you sound real sure about that." Dylan sighed. "If you want help telling mom and dad or even just moral support, just let me know, okay?"  
  
Paige smiled. "Thanks, I'll take you up on that. But now I'm going to go work on homework until Spinner gets here."  
  
"Have fun with that."  
  
"Oh yeah."   
  
"Hey Paige?"  
  
She turned in the doorway. "Yeah?"  
  
"It was good talking to you like this again."  
  
She smiled in agreement. "I can't believe you thought I was pregnant," she said, sticking her tongue out at him.  
  
Upstairs, before going into her bedroom she took a detour into the bathroom and threw up. She hated lying to everyone, but to Dylan especially. He would be so hurt if he found out the truth.  
  
Once in her bedroom she didn't know what to do. She needed a plan. She needed help from someone who knew how to do this.  
  
She picked up the phone hesitantly. There was only one person she knew that could help her, but she wasn't sure she would be willing to help.  
  
"Room 238 please. Paige Michalchuk." She waited patiently for the other person to pick up the phone.  
  
"Paige?"  
  
She took a deep breath before answering. "Jessica? I need your help."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I know this chapter wasn't the greatest, but it is what it is. Filler until the next chapter. The next chapter is my whole reason for writing this story; I've had it planned since before the very first chapter and I can't wait to start writing it! I'm sure I'll have it posted sometime later today. And I know I thanked all of you reviewers at the beginning, but here's the thing. It's my birthday today, so I expect lots and lots of reviews! LOL!! 


	16. Intervention

Author's Note ~ OMG yay! I'm so excited writing this chapter! Like I said, it's been planned since before the first chapter. I'm very pleased with it, I hope you are too. Also, a lot of my inspiration for this chapter came from an episode of Party of Five so I borrowed a lot from there. Just to clear up any similarities any of you might find.  
  
Enjoy!!  
  
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Jessica had agreed to help Paige, and with her help, Paige managed to keep her secret for the next 2 months.   
  
Then, quicker than she knew, her world came crashing down all around her. And there was nothing she could have done to stop it.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Olivia, can I talk to you?"  
  
Olivia looked up from her paperwork. "Jessica, what can I do for you?" she asked pleasantly. "Have a seat."  
  
"Liv, someone's in trouble. It's partly my fault." She took a deep breath. "I need your help, we have to do something before things go any further than they have."  
  
"Jess, who is it?"  
  
"It's Paige."  
  
Olivia sighed. "Are you sure?"  
  
"Call Emily. She'll tell you she hasn't seen Paige in ages. She thinks Paige is still seeing you."  
  
"Damn. Jessica, what exactly is going on here?"  
  
Jessica told her everything. How Paige had called her for help and how Jessica had given it to her. How she helped her lie and deceive.  
  
Olivia called Emily and confirmed what Jessica had just told her. Then, she called the Michalchuk residence and asked Tammy and Dylan to come to her office that afternoon. She and Emily had a plan.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"No," Tammy said, shaking her head. Paige isn't sick again. She's not."  
  
Dylan sighed. "She hasn't seen either of you in months?" He asked, looking at Olivia and Emily.  
  
Olivia shook her head. "The last time I really talked with Paige, we discussed cutting back her appointments again. She said she was doing better in Emily's group sessions, that she could relate better there."  
  
"So you just left it at that?" Tammy asked. "You didn't make sure she was telling the truth?"  
  
"I had no reason to suspect she was lying. I know that doesn't make up for what's happening now, but I was under the impression she was doing better than she obviously is."  
  
"When she stopped seeing us isn't what's important right now," Emily broke in. "What's important now is to get Paige to see that we know what's going on and that we're here to help her."  
  
"Put her back in Forrest Hills?" Tammy asked.  
  
"Well yes, but admitting her tonight won't fix everything. We've tried that before," Olivia said. "What I think we need to do is an intervention."  
  
"An intervention?" Dylan repeated.  
  
Olivia nodded. "We get everyone who cares about Paige to confront her with her lies and get her to see how she's hurting herself. Paige needs to admit to herself and to all of us that she's in trouble and needs help."  
  
"Won't she get angry if we all gang up on her?" Dylan asked.  
  
"Probably," Olivia agreed. "You're right, she will be angry with us. And hurt. And she might say a lot of things to try and hurt us. She might try and blame everything on all of us and take no responsibility herself. And we can't do anything about that. Once she gets all of her anger and all of her frustrations out, she'll have to realize that she's the one who's responsible now. And once she comes to that conclusion, hopefully she's willing to go back to Forrest Hills."  
  
"Let's do it," Tammy said quietly. "Anything to get Paige better."  
  
"Good," Olivia said. "How about tomorrow afternoon?"  
  
Tammy nodded. "Where?"  
  
"Your house," Olivia answered. "We have to be someplace where Paige feels comfortable. Now, I know this sounds harsh, but the best interventions happen when the person is taken by surprise. If she knows about it, she'll have time to come up with more lies and excuses. Is there a way to get her out of the house so we can all get there?"  
  
"Spinner," Dylan said immediately.  
  
Tammy agreed. "The only time she leaves the house is when Spinner gets her to."  
  
"All right then," Olivia said. "How about tomorrow afternoon, around 5? Emily, Jessica and I will meet you at your house." She hesitated. "Will Mr. Michalchuk be able to be there?"  
  
"I don't know. Of course I'll call him tonight and tell him and I'm sure he'll be on the first flight home," Tammy said as Dylan rolled his eyes.  
  
"Tomorrow at 5," he said, standing up and pulling Tammy up as well. "Thank you for helping us get to Paige," he said. "It means a lot."  
  
"We want to see her get better too," Emily said. "And we will."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"Spin, really," Paige protested. "I don't want to go to the mall. I have a ton of stuff to do at home."  
  
"Please Paige? I need to find a birthday gift for my mom and I have no idea what to get her. Your advice could really help me out. I mean, last year I got her a toaster!"  
  
Paige rolled her eyes. "Okay fine. But as soon as we find something, you're bringing me home."  
  
"I promise," Spinner said, kissing her cheek. If Paige had any idea of what would be waiting for her at home he was pretty sure she wouldn't be so anxious to get there.  
  
Part of him still didn't believe what Dylan had told him last night on the phone. Paige wasn't sick again. She couldn't be. But today, when he hugged her, he knew. She was so thin he could feel her ribs. Why he hadn't noticed that before, he didn't know.  
  
"I can't believe I had to talk you out getting your mom over mitts," she said shaking her head. They were done shopping and were walking up the front walk to Paige's house. "You really are hopeless when it comes to this, aren't you?" She looked up at Spinner who was staring at her. He'd done that a lot today. "What?" she asked.  
  
"Nothing," he said, still staring at her. He stopped her before going inside. "You know I love you, right?"  
  
"Aww, I love you too," she said, standing on tiptoe to kiss him.   
  
"No really. You know that I do, right?"  
  
"Spin, what's going on? Of course I know you love me." She was startled when he wrapped his arms around her in a hug again. "Is something wrong?" she asked uneasily.  
  
"No," he said, shaking his head. He didn't want Paige to go inside. She didn't need to go through everything they were about to put her through. Maybe he could just whisk her away now, and avoid everything. He knew he couldn't though.  
  
"Good." She smiled at him once more. "Come on, let's get inside, I'm cold." She opened the front door.  
  
"Mom, I'm home!" she called, dropping her things in the usual place. She waited but didn't get an answer. "Mom?" she called again. She headed towards the living room. "There you are, why didn't you answ-" She stopped when she saw who else was in the living room. "What's going on?" she asked.  
  
"Oh honey," Tammy said simply. That was all Paige needed to hear. They knew.   
  
"Why are you all here?" she asked, taking a step backwards. Her mind was racing. Olivia, Emily, Jessica, Dylan, and her mom were all staring at her. There was no way she could lie to them all. Her next instinct was to run. She turned around and ran straight into Spinner.  
  
"Spinner, move," she pleaded as he blocked the front door. He didn't move. "Spinner!"  
  
"No Paige," he said quietly. She tried to push him out of the way but it was pointless. He was a lot stronger than she was.  
  
"Paige, we know what's going on," Olivia said gently, coming into the hallway. "We've compared stories, we've found your lies. It's time to come clean."  
  
"About what?" she asked, turning around and facing Olivia. "What have I been lying about?"  
  
"We know you're doing it again Paige," Emily said, joining them. "We know you're sick."  
  
"Really." Paige laughed bitterly. "How could you know that? Neither of you has even noticed I've skipped therapy for how long now? 3 months? 4? Why are you even here? You don't care about me. I'm just another patient."  
  
"That's not true," Olivia said. "We care very much, and I think you know that."  
  
"Well if you cared, you would have checked to see if I even made it to my last doctor's appointment. As a matter of fact, my own mom didn't even check on that!" Paige said, staring down her mother. "So tell me, how does this all equal caring?"  
  
"Paige, we love you," Tammy insisted. "We want you to get better. We're all here to get you to see that. Please, just talk to us. Tell us what happened."  
  
"I don't need this." She turned back to the front door. Spinner was still guarding it. "Spin please, get me out of here," she asked.  
  
"Not this time," he said. "We're staying right here."  
  
Her anger boiled over once more. "Fine. Stay if you want, I don't care." She ran up to her bedroom and slammed the door.  
  
"Maybe this wasn't a good idea," Tammy worried, pacing back and forth. "She can't handle this."  
  
"Yes she can," Emily said reassuringly. "We all knew she wouldn't be happy to see all of us here. Once she sees we're not going anywhere, she'll know she doesn't have any choice but to talk."  
  
"She's going to hate me," Jessica said quietly. "She's going to blame me for all of this."  
  
"She's going to be angry with all of us, not just you," Olivia said, sitting down next to Jessica. "Just remember, you did the right thing. Paige is going to get the help she needs because of you."  
  
Upstairs, Paige was pacing her own bedroom. What was she going to do now? How was she going to get out of this? If it were true, if they had all talked, and Jessica had been there to fill in the blanks, they would know exactly what had been going on. An hour passed by, and then another. Paige was beginning to realize that none of them were going to leave. She knew she'd have to go down there and face them now.   
  
She made her way back downstairs. They all jumped when she appeared in the living room doorway.  
  
"Paige, are you okay?" Tammy asked, standing up.   
  
"I'm fine," she said woodenly. "Look, it worked, okay guys? I can admit I'm messed up. You can go home now."  
  
Dylan looked at her disbelievingly. "Just like that?"  
  
"Isn't it what you wanted to hear? Didn't all of you come here just to hear me say I'm screwed up and that I'm a failure?"  
  
"Is that how you feel Paige?" Olivia asked. "Like a failure?"  
  
"No," she said. "Olivia, I can honestly say, that if there's something I'm not a failure at, it's this. I like to think I'm a pro at it by now."  
  
"Paige, that's not funny," Tammy said quietly.  
  
"Well it's true Mom!" she said, whirling around to look at her mom. "Admit it, I'm a great liar, and this whole bulimia thing got this far without you knowing."  
  
"In fact," she continued on, gaining momentum in her anger. "None of you would even know if Jessica here hadn't told you, right? And honestly, why should any of you believe her over me? She's way sicker than I am."  
  
"Paige, you know I told them the truth," Jessica said.  
  
"Oh, I'm sure you did, but my question is why? Why would you tell them? What's the matter Jessica? Afraid that I was getting sicker than you and would take your place as the queen of Forrest Hills? Didn't want to lose the one thing you're known for?"  
  
"You need help, Paige," Jessica whispered, tears filling her eyes.  
  
"Yeah, well you know what they say about people in glass houses, don't you?"  
  
"Paige-"   
  
"What?" Paige faced Spinner for the first time since coming back downstairs. "You think I'm being too mean? Well let me let you in on a little secret. Okay yeah, I'm sick again. Have been for months. Want to know what triggered it this time? Get ready, because it's a big one. You Spinner. You caused it."  
  
"Paige, come on," Dylan interrupted.  
  
"No Dylan, this needs to be said. Get everything out in the open right?" Paige glared at her brother.   
  
"As I was saying. It was you Spinner. Think back to our date on our anniversary. When we came back here that night because no one was here? When I freaked out about sleeping with you and excused myself to get a drink of water. That's right, I made myself sick, it was the only way I could make myself be in the same room as you that night." She tried to ignore the look on his face as her words hit him.  
  
She kept going, to ignore the pain she was feeling. "Why do you think I've barely spent any time with you since then?" she asked.   
  
"Why are you doing this?" he asked.   
  
"What, telling the truth?"  
  
"Making it so difficult to love you."  
  
The sentence was like an arrow to her heart. "So you'll go away," she said, ignoring it. "Because you deserve a hell of a lot better and I deserve to not feel so guilty."  
  
"Paige enough!" Tammy cried. "Do you even see what you're doing? You're blaming everyone but who's really responsible for this!"  
  
"You're right mom," Paige said coldly. "But take a good look around you. Every single one of you is responsible, but you know who started it all? Who's at the top of the list? You Mom. You did this to me."  
  
"Paige-"  
  
"No, I'm serious Mom," she said, cutting her off. "You're the one that sent me away for the summer, and what were your last words to me? You told me to lose the weight. That I'd feel like myself again then. Congratulations Mom. It worked. I lost the weight and learned some new things. You all wanted me to be the same Paige. She didn't exist anymore, but you didn't want the new Paige. So I had to pretend to be the old one all the time and do you know what that did to me?" She shook her head. "It's all on you Mom. Dad's not here, but even if it was, he hasn't been home much this past year so it's not his fault."  
  
"Paige that's enough!" Dylan yelled, standing up.   
  
"Is it?" she asked, facing him.  
  
"What?" he challenged her. "What do you have to say to me, Paige? How is this my fault? Tell me, I'm dying to know."  
  
She froze, looking at Dylan. The realization of everything she had just said hit her then. As she looked around the room, she saw the damage she had done.  
  
But not to Dylan. She couldn't bring herself to say anything to him. She just shook her head and ran out of the room.  
  
She never made it to her bedroom, rather, she collapsed in the upstairs hallway, sobbing. Why had she said all those things? She knew it wasn't their fault, didn't she?  
  
"What now?" Dylan asked downstairs. They were all still in the living room, just as Paige had left them.  
  
"We wait," Olivia said. "Paige had a lot of built up emotions, and I think she got most of them out now. Now we wait for her to realize she's blaming everyone but herself."  
  
"I don't think this is working," Tammy said angrily.   
  
"I know it doesn't seem like it," Olivia said soothingly. "But trust me, it is."  
  
"I think she's right Mom," Dylan said. "It's just a matter of time now."  
  
"I should go," Spinner said.  
  
"No," Emily said. "Spinner, you can't go."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"You have to stay Spinner," Olivia agreed. "If you leave and she comes back down here and sees you're gone, she's going to think 'I am winning. I am right, and they're wrong, and one by one they're going to leave.'"  
  
"If she starts to think like that, then we have to start all over," Emily pointed out.  
  
Spinner sighed, knowing they were right.  
  
Paige didn't know how much time had passed, but eventually she heard footsteps coming up the stairs. She didn't have to look up she knew it was Spinner.  
  
"I didn't mean it," she said tiredly, not looking at him.  
  
"I know you didn't," he said kindly. "Paige, we're not trying to hurt you. We really just want you to get better."  
  
"What if I can't get better?" she asked. "Don't you see? I've let you all down so many times now. Hurt you all so much. Maybe I'm just meant to die from this."  
  
"No you're not Paige," he insisted. "And I'll be damned if you think we're going to let you give up now."  
  
Paige looked up at him finally. "What if it's too late?" she asked. "What if this disease has already got the best of me?" It was as close as she had come to telling anyone she hadn't been feeling well the last few weeks.  
  
"Paige, it's not too late. You can still get help. Please, just come downstairs and talk to everyone. Please."  
  
Paige closed her eyes as another wave of tears washed over her. "Why are you even still here after what I said down there?" she asked.  
  
"Because I love you."  
  
Paige shook her head. "Do you think I can do this?" she asked in a whisper.  
  
"I think you have to try, don't you?"   
  
Slowly, Paige walked downstairs with Spinner. She looked at everyone in the living room again, making eye contact with each one of them before she spoke. She locked eyes with Dylan before saying softly,  
  
"I need help." 


	17. Just Another Day

Author's Note ~ Short chapter here. I'm still trying to figure out how to get from here to the end of the story. I think I can pull 2 or 3 more chapters out. Hope you enjoy! And when you're done with this, if you haven't already, go read SVU-Obsessed's Covered In Rain, and be sure to let her know how awesome it is!  
  
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"How's my favorite patient today?" Sandra, the morning nurse, had an annoyingly chipper voice as she came into Paige's room and opened the blinds. Bright sunshine filled the room and Paige winced. Sandra smiled at Paige's glare. "Cheerful as always, aren't you Sweetie?" She checked Paige's chart. "Well how about that, no morning sessions today!" Sandra continued, taking Paige's vitals. "Who's coming to see you?"  
"My brother," Paige replied. It had been 5 days since she had come back to Forrest Hills and she still wasn't quite used to it. This time was different, she was on a different floor and it looked and felt more like a hospital than she was used to. And she hated it.  
"Oh I'll have to alert the younger nurses, they just think he's the cutest thing," Sandra said, checking Paige's blood pressure.  
Paige shook her head, opting not to tell her about Dylan's boyfriend.  
"Come on sunshine, you're too pretty not to smile," Sandra pressed, making notes on Paige's chart.  
Finally Paige cracked a smile. Sandra was her favorite person on this floor and usually could get Paige out of whatever mood she was in.  
"That's better sweetie." Sandra smiled back and perched herself on the edge of the bed. "Now let's get down to business. How did you sleep last night?"  
"Good," Paige said truthfully. A couple of nights back Paige had had difficulty breathing and since then, she had been scared to sleep.  
"Any problems breathing at all last night?"  
Paige shook her head.  
"Good good. Your blood work should be back sometime today so we'll know why you had trouble in the first place, but I'm betting it was nothing more than a little stress, Lord knows you've had your share of that."  
Paige nodded, hoping Sandra was right. She answered a few more questions and finally Sandra was satisfied.  
"All right then, everything seems to be in order here, I'll let you finish getting ready for your day." Sandra stopped in the doorway. "Just so you know Paige, tomorrow morning when I come in here? It wouldn't hurt to hear a "Good morning Sandra, how are you this beautiful morning?""  
Paige laughed. "I'll try, but you know me. Mornings aren't my best time."  
Soon enough, there was a knock on her door and Dylan poked his head in. "Hello?"  
"Dylan!" Paige jumped up and hugged him. "I'm so happy to see you!"  
"You look really good," Dylan said, sitting down. "How are you doing?"  
"I'm okay," Paige said. "Seeing 2 counselors a day and spending the rest of my time in groups."  
"That seems like a lot."  
Paige shrugged. "Keeps me busy and I don't know, I guess it's starting to work. It does help to talk," she admitted.  
"And the food?"  
Paige rolled her eyes. "Not the greatest, but I have to eat it." She hesitated before asking the question she had wanted to ask right away. "Mom didn't come?"  
Dylan looked away. "She couldn't get away from work today."  
Paige nodded. "I didn't mean what I said to her, you know," she said softly. "I didn't mean to blame her. I was angry."  
"She knows that. She knows."  
Paige didn't believe him but nodded anyway. "And how's Spinner?"  
"He's good, he wanted me to give you this.' Spinner handed her an envelope. "Don't worry, I didn't read it."  
Paige laughed and set the letter aside for later. "So tell me something fun!" She begged. "How's Paul?"  
For the next hour the 2 of them gossiped just like they used to and Paige even forgot she was in the hospital. Then Sandra came back in.  
"Paige sweetie, your test results came back. Hi Dylan, did your mom come with you today?" She asked, sitting down on the bed next to them.  
"No, she couldn't make it today," Dylan said.  
"Oh." Sandra looked down at her chart. "Honey, maybe we should give her a call."  
"Why?" Paige asked. "What's wrong?"  
"Paige, it's just standard, we like to have parents here when we go over blood work results.  
"I'll go in the hall and call her," Dylan offered.  
"Do I have to wait until she gets here to hear what's going on?" Paige asked.  
"We can go over that as soon as the doctor gets here," Sandra said. She nodded at Dylan to call Tammy.  
  
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Paige stared out the window blankly, trying to make sense of everything she had just heard. The words were tumbling through her mind, not making any kind of sense.  
Cardiac arrhythmia. Irregular heart beat. Muscle shrinking.  
She had done this to herself. Starving herself had hurt her heart. She blinked back her tears angrily, remembering the look on Dylan's face as he had listened along with her. Once again, she was hurting everyone around her.  
Dr. Parker had assured her that this wasn't as serious as it sounded. They had caught this in the early stages, so the deterioration wasn't as bad as it could be. Besides, he had said with a reassuring smile, now that they knew what was wrong, they could treat it. And as long as she stuck to a healthy diet, there was no reason her heart couldn't start to heal itself.  
"Paige?" Tammy knocked quietly on the door before opening it all the way. She stepped into the room cautiously, unsure of how Paige was going to react to seeing her. They hadn't really talked at all in the last week.  
"Hi Mom," Paige said, smiling for her benefit. "Did you talk to Dr. Parker?  
"Yes. How are you doing?"  
Paige looked up at her mom and considered telling her she was fine. The look in Tammy's eyes made her decide against it and tell her the truth instead. She shook her head. "I'm scared Mom," she said quietly, holding her arms out for a hug.  
Tammy hugged her tightly. "It's gonna be okay Baby," she said comfortingly. "We're going to get through this just like we're getting through everything else."  
Paige nodded against her shoulder. "I'm sorry you had to come out here for this," she said, sniffling.  
"Don't you even worry about that," she said, stroking her hair. "Nothing else matters." She pulled away, and smiled brightly. "Now, we just have to make sure you get better. Right Paige? No more not eating? No more lies?"  
Paige nodded. "No more," she promised. And she meant it.  
Didn't she? 


	18. A Little Help From an Unlikely Source

"Paige, we need to have a talk," Dr. Parker said, coming into her room and shutting the door behind him.  
  
Paige looked up from her magazine. "Right now? I'm supposed to meet with Olivia in 10 minutes."  
  
"I went ahead and cleared this with her, you can go talk to her as soon as we're done."  
  
"Okay. So, what do we need to talk about?"  
  
Dr. Parker sat down across from her. "Do you remember the talk you and I had with your mom last week?"  
  
Paige nodded. "Yeah, you went over everything I had to make sure to do so I stayed healthy."  
  
"Right. Paige, I went over your charts this morning. You've lost a pound and a half." He looked at her expectantly.  
  
"Are you sure? That doesn't make sense. You can ask everyone, Dr. Parker, I'm not doing anything, I swear. I've been eating all my meals."  
  
"Now would be the time to be honest with me. Paige, have you been throwing up while you've been here?"  
  
"Dr. Parker, no!" Paige sighed. "You aren't going to believe me anyways, are you?" she asked.  
  
"I want to," Dr. Parker said. "I'm going to talk to all of the nurses, and with Emily and Olivia, so if there's anything you're hiding, you may as well tell me now."  
  
"I'm not doing anything wrong," she said slowly. "Ask anyone here."  
  
Dr. Parker looked at her for a long time. "Okay," he said smiling finally. "But while I'm here, is there anything else we need to discuss? How have you been feeling?"  
  
"I've been tired a lot," Paige said truthfully. "And last night I had a little trouble breathing."  
  
"How long did that last?"  
  
"15 minutes maybe? Maybe 20."  
  
"Why didn't you call for one of the nurses?"  
  
"It wasn't that bad. I just couldn't take very deep breaths. As long as I didn't lie flat on the bed, I was okay."  
  
Dr. Parker nodded, opening her chart again to write in it. "Anything else Paige? Dizziness when you stand up? Blurred vision? Anything out of the ordinary?"  
  
Paige bit her lower lip. "Well," she began hesitantly. "When I can't really breathe, I felt a little weird," she admitted. "I was dizzy and my heart felt like it was hitting really hard against my chest."  
  
"I see." Dr. Parker wrote a few more things down. "Paige, I want to run a few more tests today, if that's okay with you."  
  
"What kind of tests? Should I talk to my mom first?"  
  
"Don't worry, I'll talk to her as soon as I'm done talking to you. What I want to do tonight is monitor your heart while you sleep. And I think I need to run some blood work just to rule a few things out."  
  
"Okay," Paige said, nodding. "When?"  
  
"When you're done talking to Olivia, come on down to the lab and we'll draw some blood."  
  
"Sounds like a plan," she agreed. She and Dr. Parker both left her room, her going one way, he the other.  
  
"Oh, hi Paige, come on in," Olivia said, turning her computer screen off. "How was your talk with Dr. Parker?"  
  
Paige shrugged and sat down in her usual spot. "He wants to run some more blood work and monitor my heart tonight while I sleep," she said.  
  
"Well, I'm sure he just wants to make sure we're doing everything we can," Olivia said. "So how are you doing today?"  
  
"Olivia, Dr. Parker said I lost a pound and a half since last week," she said. "How did that happen? I should be gaining weight!"  
  
Olivia stood up and walked over to where Paige was sitting and sat down next to her. "Paige, weight is a funny thing, you should know that by now. A pound and a half isn't anything to worry about, we can chalk that up to stress."  
  
"Isn't stress one of the excuses I'm not supposed to use?" Paige asked.  
  
Olivia nodded. "Yes, but Paige, this time I know you aren't doing anything you shouldn't be. It would be impossible with all the supervision you've been under."  
  
Paige sighed. "Is Dr. Parker going to believe that though? Because I don't think I even do."  
  
Olivia thought for a moment before speaking again. "Okay Paige, this is where we're at now. You've been here almost 3 weeks now. In that time, how many meals have you skipped?"  
  
"None."  
  
"How many have you wanted to skip?"  
  
"A couple."  
  
"How many times have you made yourself sick?"  
  
"None."  
  
"And how many times have you wanted to?"  
  
Paige looked up in surprise. "None," she said incredulously.  
  
"Not once?"  
  
Paige shook her head, a smile spreading across her face. "Not once," she repeated.   
  
"You sound surprised at yourself," Olivia said, smiling.   
  
"I guess I am," Paige said. "That's terrible, though, isn't it? I'd be more inclined to believe in myself if I said I thought about being sick, instead of the opposite."  
  
"It's not terrible, it's just the next step." Olivia grinned. "I'd say some of the old Paige is coming back, wouldn't you? The one that's a little more sure of herself?"  
  
Paige shrugged. "I guess. It's like I was telling Emily yesterday. The past couple of days I've been feeling different. Normal I guess. But then, I remember where I am and why I'm here, and I'm afraid to feel normal."  
  
"I can understand that, but Paige, you can't spend all of your time being scared. That won't help you at all, in fact, it will make things harder."  
  
"I know, that's what Emily said too." Paige sighed. "I'm trying this time, I really am."  
  
"I know, and I'm very proud of you." Olivia smiled. "How have things been with your mom and brother since you've been here?"  
  
"Okay," Paige answered. "Mom's still weird around me, but hey, I'd be weird around the person that blamed me for everything wrong in my life anyways."  
  
"She knows you didn't mean that," Olivia said. "But she's probably just as scared and confused as you are right now."  
  
Paige nodded. "Probably." She looked at her watch. "Anything else we need to talk about? I've got a ton of homework that the school sent over for me, and I have to go down to the lab and stuff still. Plus, I have 2 groups tonight."  
  
Olivia laughed. "Forrest Hills social butterfly," she teased. "How are your studies going? Are you having any problems staying caught up?"  
  
"No more than I would be if I was actually in the classes. Honor student, I'm not, but at least I'll still graduate."  
  
"Off to NYU?"  
  
"If mom lets me go, yeah." Paige shrugged. "She's still not very happy with the idea."  
  
"Well, you'll just have to prove to her that you'll be able to handle it," Olivia said with a smile. "Okay, I think we're good for today. For tomorrow, I want you to come up with 3 short term goals that we can talk about and come up with a game plan to make sure those goals happen."  
  
"Sounds good, see you tomorrow." Paige stood up and left the office.  
  
When she finally got back to her room an hour later she had every intention of settling down and focusing on Calculus, but while opening her book, something else caught her eye.  
  
"Calculus can wait," she muttered to herself, reaching over to pick up the envelope on her table. She stretched out on her bed and read the letter one more time.  
  
Paige, I'm sorry I didn't come see you with Dylan, but I wasn't sure you wanted to see me, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to see you either. Sounds mean, I know, but I don't mean for it to. I know you said you didn't mean what you said that night, but I don't think words like that can come from just hurt and anger, there's probably some truth to them somewhere. I don't want to be a person that makes you sick Paige. I want to be a person that makes you want to get better, and until you see that, I'll hang back, if that's what you want. You have to realize by now that no matter what, I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere. I miss you and I'm waiting til you get back home. I love you, Spinner.  
  
"Love letter from your boyfriend?"  
  
Paige looked up and saw another girl, Rachel standing in her doorway. She nodded. "Yeah, it was," she answered. "What's up?"  
  
"Just trolling the rooms looking for someone to talk to."   
  
"Come on in," Paige said. She didn't particularly like Rachel, based on what she had seen of her in group, but anything was better than calculus at the moment.  
  
"So is he mad at you?" Rachel asked. "I heard you blamed him for everything at your intervention."  
  
"Have you ever been through an intervention?" Paige asked, getting irritated.  
  
"Yeah, it sucked. I blamed everyone except the right person. And I lost a lot of friends because of it," Rachel said.  
  
"You did?"  
  
"Oh yeah. I was a total bitch to everyone that was at my intervention, and half of them walked away from me. Told me I had to wake up and realize what exactly I was doing, and if I ever realized I was the cause of my problems I could give them a call but until then, they'd rather not hear from me."  
  
"Wow," Paige said softly. "I'm sorry."  
  
Rachel shrugged. "I learned my lesson. Sure it was at the expense of a couple of friends, but maybe one day we'll be back on track."   
  
"I don't know what I'd do if I lost any of my friends or family," Paige admitted.  
  
"Then what are you going to stop being so selfish?"  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"I'm not trying to be mean Paige. We've had a couple of groups together, and from what I've heard you say, you've got a great mom and brother and boyfriend who've all but stopped their lives to help you, and you've done nothing but make them prove over and over how much they love you. What are you going to do that one time you push them away and they give up? What are you going to do when they say it's not worth it anymore?" Rachel paused. "Attention is addicting, and just like anything else addicting, it can really hurt you. You don't need to find that out the same way I did."  
  
Paige looked down at the letter she was still holding. "You're right," she agreed. "I guess I have a lot of apologies I need to make."  
  
Rachel smiled. "I know we're in like, the land of talking here, but yeah, if you need anyone to talk to, come find me. I'm not as mean as everyone says I am."  
  
Paige laughed. "Thanks Rachel."  
  
"No problem. I've gotta go bug a few more people before I call it a day," Rachel said with a smile. "Talk to you later."  
  
"Bye," Paige said. She closed the door behind Rachel and sat back down on her bed. She picked up the phone, knowing she wasn't going to get any homework done tonight. She was counting the rings on the other end of the phone and jumped when the voice answered it.  
  
"Hey Spin," she said nervously.   
  
"Paige! How are you?"  
  
"Doing okay," she said. She explained to him the heart problems, downplaying the whole situation so he wouldn't be worried.  
  
"Is there anything I can do?" he asked.  
  
She smiled. "No, I'm fine, really. You've done more than enough already. Really." She took a deep breath. "I know I've already said this, but you have to believe me Spinner, I'm so sorry about the things I said. I didn't mean any of it. None of it. You're not to blame, my mom's not to blame, I am."  
  
"Paige-"  
  
"I know," she said, cutting him off. "I know I've said all of this before, and I'm not asking you to believe me when I say this is the time I really mean it."  
  
"You're not?"  
  
"No."  
  
"What are you asking then?" he asked.  
  
She laughed. "The only thing I'm asking you is if you can come on the next visiting day I have and help me with my calculus homework."  
  
"I suck at calculus." Spinner said, laughing.  
  
"Then you'll just have to spend time with me instead," Paige teased. "Okay, so fill me in on the Degrassi gossip," she pleaded. "Has Heather Sinclair done anything especially lame?"  
  
And just like that, they slipped into the familiar pattern that they were used to and there wasn't any awkwardness or hostility between them.   
  
If everyone was going to be as easy to make amends with, Paige realized this might be easier than she thought it would.  
  
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Author's Note ~ Wow...that chapter took forever for me to finish. I have a few people to thank now. First of all, everyone who's reviewed, thank you so much!! PsychoJo ~ I'm singling you out here because in your last review you summed up for me exactly what I wanted to convey somewhere in this chapter... attention can be a bad bad thing. And, SVU-Obsessed ~ it might be safe to say you saved this story for me! Thank you guys SO much!! 


	19. Brand New Day

Author's Note ~ Well, I finally managed an update, that's the good news! And well, the bad news you ask? I just finished the final chapter as of 10 minutes ago. But, instead of posting both chapters tonight, I'm going to post this one now, and the next one sometime tomorrow... I'm sure there's some editing I need to do before then. I know this chapter doesn't have a lot of action, but it ties into the next chapter, though maybe not in the way you might think. Hope you all enjoy!!!  
  
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"So how much do you miss me?"  
  
Paige smiled into the phone and shook her head. "Spin, I haven't had time to miss you," she said casually. "I've been so busy with my Chemistry class, and Scott, that's my lab partner, well, he likes us to work really late into the night."  
  
"Scott? Who's Scott? You didn't tell me your lab partner was a Scott." Spinner's voice was full of surprise, and maybe, a little bit of jealousy.  
  
Paige laughed. "Relax, I'm just teasing you," she said. "Of course I miss you tons. You better be missing me more though."  
  
Five months and 23 pounds later Paige had actually done it. Graduation had come and gone and she was now settling into her 2nd month at NYU. It hadn't been easy, convincing Tammy to let her go that far away, but, with the help of Olivia and Emily, and even Dylan and Spinner, she had finally agreed.  
  
Of course, that didn't mean she didn't call her every day, sometimes twice a day; to make sure she was remembering to take her heart medication, that she was talking to the doctor Olivia had recommended and going to group every week, and well, sometimes her only reason for calling was to tell Paige she had bought a new pair of shoes. Paige didn't mind too much though, she missed her mom just as much.  
  
"Yeah, I might have missed you some," Spinner said, his voice taking on a bored tone. "But then again, there's these 2 girls that live down the hall that like to occupy my time. Total hotties and all that, and you can't blame them for wanting to get to know the Spin-Man."  
  
"Mmm hmm," Paige said. "Jimmy told me about them. He also told me about their boyfriends who live right next door to you. Wasn't one of them at University because of a wrestling scholarship?"  
  
"Okay I was kidding. You know how much I miss you Paige. I can't wait for Thanksgiving so I can see you again. How much longer is it til then?"  
  
"Just a couple of more weeks," she said reassuringly. "We can make it until then, I promise."  
  
"Yeah I know, I know. I just want it to be like, tomorrow," Spinner said. Paige smiled, picturing the pout on his face.  
  
"Aww, you poor thing," Paige said. "Don't worry, we'll be seeing each other before you even know it." She ignored the gagging sounds coming from her roommate Megan on the other side of the dorm room.  
  
"Paige, we gotta go," she whispered.  
  
"Spin, hey, I've got to run. Megan and I are on our out," she said.  
  
"Okay. I love you."  
  
"I love you too."  
  
"Hey, before you hang up, promise your lab partner isn't some guy named Scott?"  
  
Paige laughed. "I promise. His name is Joel. Gotta go, bye!" She hung up the phone laughing before Spinner could reply.  
  
"Paige, you're boyfriend is such a girl," Megan said, tying her shoes. "How do you deal with it?"  
  
"Shut up," Paige said, still laughing. "He's not a girl."  
  
"No of course not." Megan made her voice an octave higher. "Oh Paige, I miss you sugar pie." She shook her head. "Total girl."  
  
"He's never called me sugar pie, I swear," Paige said.  
  
"Thank God for small favors. Are you ready yet?"  
  
"Yeah, let's go." The two of them were on their way to the campus gym.   
  
While she had expected University to be more difficult than high school had been, Paige hadn't been prepared for just how much harder it would be to keep up. The hours of studying alone were mind numbing, not to mention all of essays and term papers she was writing weekly. But, instead of throwing up, Paige had found a new way to cope with things. Working out.  
  
Of course, she had to be careful of what she did, and for how long. She had learned her lesson the first week she had gone to the gym. After overdoing the rowing machine, her heart had begun beating far too fast and she had nearly passed out. After that, she had learned her limits and did her best to stick to them. Sometimes, after a particularly strenuous workout she felt a little bit sick, but it always went away after an hour or so, and the trainer at the gym said it was normal for someone who was a beginner.  
  
"Have you started writing that paper for history?" Megan asked, as they stood side by side on the treadmills.  
  
Paige shook her head. "Nope, I haven't had the chance yet. I've been too busy working on that stupid Shakespeare essay."  
  
Megan made a face. "What was I thinking, choosing to write mine on Merchant of Venice? It's so boring."  
  
"Taming of the Shrew isn't much better. Maybe I should just base my paper on 10 Things I Hate About You, wasn't that based on the play?" Paige asked. She pressed one of the buttons on the treadmill, quickening her pace.  
  
"I think so," Megan agreed. She hit the power button on her own treadmill and jumped off, taking a sip from her water bottle. "I hate this machine, I'm going to go hit the rowing machine for awhile, you wanna come with?"  
  
Paige shook her head. "I'm fine," she said, hitting another button. "I'll meet you over there in like, 15 minutes," she said, looking at her watch.   
  
"Cool. Don't forget, we're weight-training today too," Megan said before she sprinted over to the other side of the gym.  
  
Paige closed her eyes and just kept stepping. Up and down. Up and down. The movement and even the sound alone were soothing and made her forget all about the stress of school.  
  
Soon, her time on the treadmill was done and she went over to the rowing machines and found Megan.  
  
"How are you doing?" Megan asked, as Paige sat down next to her. While she didn't know everything about Paige, she knew the bare basics and knew enough to watch to make sure she didn't overdo it.  
  
Paige smiled. "I'm fine," she said. Soon she fell into the same motion as Megan, rowing back and forth. Again, the sounds and motions soothed her. After awhile, they moved on to the weight room. 5 minutes into that workout, Paige began to feel tightness in her chest. She decided it was probably just because the weight lifting was a new thing to her.  
  
After another couple of minutes though, it continued to get worse. Her vision clouded over and she dropped the weights.  
  
"Paige!" Megan dropped her own weights. "What's going on, what's wrong?"  
  
Paige bent over, taking a few deep breaths. Finally, she regained her vision and sat back up.   
  
"I'm fine," she said, looking over at Megan.  
  
"Yeah right," Megan said, shaking her head. "Come on, let's go home and watch movies instead of doing our homework."  
  
Paige nodded. They went into the locker rooms and changed into their street clothes before heading home.  
  
Late that night, after Megan had fallen asleep Paige was still awake.   
  
She found it ironic, she realized. She had thought it was great, working out. It erased all of her stress and it was perfectly healthy, unlike some of her former pressure relievers. But still, it had the potential to hurt her. Was there anything she could do now that wouldn't?  
  
Still, in the darkness, Paige smiled. A few months ago, if this had all happened, she would have been running for the nearest bathroom to throw up instead of confronting the problem. Now though, the thought barely crossed her mind. Instead, she decided that in the morning, she would call her mom and ask if they could make an appointment with her heart specialist in Toronto to see if they could come up with an exercise plan that she would be able to maintain healthily.   
  
And, she thought to herself, the smile still on her face, it would be nice to get home before Thanksgiving to see everyone. 


	20. Fallen

**_Author's Note:_** Well I have to say, after finally re-reading the final chapter of this story (Yes, it's taken me a long time to even come back to it as it took so much out of me to write) I wasn't happy at all with the ending. Everyone that said the chapter was too abrupt was absolutely right on the spot, so I've decided to correct it. I've kept most of the original dialogue, just added some stuff here and there. Hopefully I'm much more satisfied with this ending. In any case, I hope anyone that takes the time to re-read it enjoys it and thank you thank you thank you, a million and one thank-yous to all of you who originally kept up with the story!!

* * *

"Heart surgery?" Paige asked in a horrified voice as she stared at Dr. Parker. She gripped Tammy's hand tightly as she tried to take in everything the doctor was explaining to her. "Are you serious?"

"It's more of a procedure than a surgery," Dr. Parker tried to explain. "It appears that there is a small tear in the muscle surrounding your heart and it just needs to be repaired. You won't even be in the hospital more than 72 hours. It's a fairly common procedure Paige," he said kindly. "Absolutely nothing to worry about."

"Well if it's nothing to worry about, why do I have to have it done?" she asked stubbornly.

"Because if we don't repair it and the tear becomes bigger, you'll continue to have heart problems and it could become very serious," Dr. Parker said.

"Well I guess it's a good thing I took the time to come back and have this checked out, huh?" Paige asked, trying to lighten the mood in the room.

"Definitely," Dr. Parker agreed. "But this aside Paige, we're all very proud of how well you're doing. I know it hasn't been easy, but you've proven it Paige. You're a survivor."

Paige smiled. "Thanks Dr. Parker." She clapped her hands together. "So, when do we get this done and over with?"

Three days later, Paige was admitted into the hospital for her procedure, and her spirits couldn't have been higher. Everyone was baffled by her mood, especially Dylan.

"Why are you so happy Paige?" he asked her, as she flipped through channels on the television. "I mean, don't get me wrong, I like a happy Paige, but I don't think I could be so cheerful if I was about to have surgery."

Paige shrugged. "What would you prefer Dylan? That I go into this moody and sad? I don't think that's going to work so well," she said. "I may not have shown this in the past very much, but I know how much positive thinking can do for a person, and I think this is definitely one of those times to think positively."

"Aren't you scared though?"

"A little," Paige admitted. "But I've gotten through worse, haven't I?" she asked. She laughed as he shrugged at her. "I can't believe I'm the one giving the pep talk in this room."

"Sorry." Dylan laughed with her. "You're right though. You are going to get through this and tomorrow when you wake up, we're all going to be here to hear you tell us you told us so."

"That's better," Paige smiled. "Where are mom and Spinner?"

"Spinner is on the phone with Ashley, she called to see how you were while you were getting some tests run, and Mom is on the phone with Dad."

"I can't believe he's not here," Paige said softly.

"You know he wanted to though, right Paige?" Dylan paused. "He just couldn't get away from work soon enough. I'm sure he'll be here when you wake up."

"We'll see," was all Paige would say. It wouldn't surprise her if he didn't show up, he didn't really deal well with her being sick at all, in fact, the only way he could deal with it was by avoiding it.

"How's my favorite patient?" Spinner asked, coming into the room.

"How many patients do you have in here?" Paige asked as he placed a kiss on her cheek.

"A few. But you're still my favorite," he declared. "Ash sends her love and says she'll see you in a few days when she makes it home. She couldn't get away from classes today."

"It'll be nice to see her," Paige agreed.

Before anyone could say anymore, the nurse came in and told them that it was time to get Paige into pre-op.

"All right you guys," she said before they left. "You better remember to tape the OC for me tonight so I don't miss it or else you'll be begging for my mercy." They laughed and each gave her a hug before they left the room and Tammy came in.

Only with Tammy did Paige confess how scared she was. "You'll stay with me as long as you can before I go in, right?" she asked, clinging to Tammy's hand.

"Of course Honey," Tammy reassured her. "I talked to Dad, and he's really trying to get a flight out here so he'll be the first person you see when you wake up, okay?"

Paige nodded, the anesthesia was starting to kick in and she was finding it difficult to speak. "Love you Mom," she managed to get out before her eyes started to close.

One hour into the procedure, Tammy, Dylan, and Spinner were all sitting in the waiting room waiting for either Dr. Parker or a nurse to come out and give them an update, but no one came.

An hour and a half into the procedure Tammy began to get worried because Dr. Parker had told her that if all went well, that they would be done in 2 hours, but she still hadn't heard anything from the operating room.

Two hours and fifteen minutes into the procedure, Tammy was begging the desk clerk for any information but was only told that she had to wait for the doctor to come out and speak with her.

Almost three hours after they began the operation, Dr. Parker finally came out and uttered the one word they had all feared and didn't want to hear.

Complications.

That was 8 hours ago and Tammy, Dylan, and Spinner were all still sitting in their original spots in the waiting room, waiting for Paige to wake up. Ashley had joined them a little while ago. No one knew what to say, so they just sat there quietly.

After much begging and pleading. Tammy finally convinced the doctors to let her sit in Recovery with Paige. She had already gotten all of the information she could from Dr. Parker, and all she wanted to do was be with her daughter.

Apparently, Dr. Parker had explained, the muscle tear was slightly larger than they had first anticipated, and her heart itself had considerably weakened. Weakened so much, in fact, that she had been lucky to survive the surgery.

But the fact remained the same; she had survived the surgery. That alone, was a big success, so all they needed now was for her to wake up.

And all they could do was wait.

"It's not fair," Dylan said, looking over at Spinner. "She just doesn't get a break, does she?"

"Doesn't seem like it," Spinner said, putting his magazine down. "But, she's been thrown blows like this before, and she always pulls through. This time isn't going to be any different." He hoped his voice sounded more convincing than it did in his head.

"Yeah, you're right," Dylan agreed. He looked at the clock on the wall. "You know, mom called dad. He should be here."

"I'm sure he's on his way." Spinner didn't even believe it as he said it. In the past year and a half he was pretty sure he had only seen Mr. Michalchuk three or four times.

Inside Paige's cubicle Tammy sat patiently by the bed, watching her daughter slowly regain consciousness. "Paige sweetie, it's okay," she whispered, leaning closer. She stroked her hair and waited as Paige blinked her eyes slowly, readjusting to the light.

A little while later Paige was moved to her own room, but she still wasn't coherent enough to hold a conversation, so visiting was very limited.

The next day, a full 32 hours after the surgery, Paige finally managed to open her eyes long enough to hold a conversation.

"Hey," Dylan said, sitting down next to her. Tammy had left the room to talk to Dr. Parker again and to try and reach her husband and Spinner had gone home for a quick shower, but would be back soon. "Morning sleeping beauty."

"Hey," Paige said, smiling weakly. "What's going on?"

Dylan shook his head, relieved that she was trying to make the mood lighter. "You kinda had us scared, you know."

"I know," she said. She tried to sit up, but couldn't. "Help me?" she asked.

"Better?" Dylan asked, adjusting the pillows behind her.

"Much," she said. "I feel terrible," she admitted.

"Yeah, you had a rough time in there," Dylan said. "But it's like Spinner and I were saying, you always fight you're way back."

"I guess." She closed her eyes as she spoke her next words. "What if I'm tired of fighting Dylan?"

"What?"

She opened her eyes. "I'm tired," she said simply. "No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, something gets me down Dylan. If I get passed this, what's going to happen next? Is a train going to run me over?"

"Paige, what are you saying?" Dylan asked.

She shrugged. "Nothing really," she said, hoping to drop the subject.  
  
Dylan didn't let her go so easily though. "Paige, I don't want to tell you not to fight back from this," he said slowly.

"I know." She waited for the 'but' she knew he was trying to get out.

He looked at her for a long time, looking directly into his eyes. After seemingly reading her thoughts, he nodded. "But, I don't want you to fight this only because we want you to. If that's the case, it's not going to work. If you fight, you gotta do it because it's what you want. You need to want it more than we do Paige."

She nodded in understanding. "Where's dad?" she asked softly.

Dylan looked away. "Mom just got off the phone with him a little while ago," he said. "He was supposed to be here yesterday but his flight was delayed. He'll be here tomorrow."

"Tomorrow." Paige sighed. "Hey Dylan?"

"What?"

"Mom knows I never meant what I said the last time I went into the hospital right?" She paused. "She knows I never really blamed her for anything?"

Dylan nodded. "Yeah, mom knows," he reassured her. "She knows you were just lashing out that night."

"Okay," Paige said leaning back against the pillows. "I just don't want her to think she was a bad mom."

Dylan squeezed her hand and shook his head. "She doesn't think that," he promised. "Paige-"

"Where's Spin?" she asked suddenly.

"He went home to change his clothes and stuff. He'll be back soon."

"Okay, she said, relaxing again. She smiled at her brother again. "Did I ever tell you how great of a big brother you are?"

"Paige, we don't really need to talk about this now," Dylan said uneasily.

"Yes we do," she insisted gently. She looked down and then back up at him. "We do," she repeated.

Dylan managed a smile then. "Come to think of it, no, you haven't given me the praise I deserve," he said.

Paige laughed. "Best big brother a girl could ask for," she said proudly. "You saved my life more than once you know."

"No big deal," Dylan said modestly. "You know though, I couldn't have had a better little sister though. Well, maybe I could have if she was older and had a lot of cute gay friends."

Paige laughed again, knowing that was what Dylan wanted. "I did my best," she said. "But seriously Dylan." She cleared her throat. "I love you."

"I love you too Paige," he said. Looking at her, he couldn't shake off the eerie feeling he had nor could he ignore the lump in his throat. "Do you want me to go see if Spinner is back yet?"

She nodded and watched as Dylan left the room. Taking as deep of a breath as she could, Paige looked out the window and waited. There was a dull ache in her chest and she was very thankful for the morphine drip attached to her arm.  
  
A few moments later Spinner poked his head into her room. "Up for some company?" he asked.  
  
Paige smiled. "Of course," she said. She reached up and hugged him tightly. "So I hear you've been here pretty much the whole time?" she asked.  
  
"Well hey, anything to get out of going to classes," he offered, shrugging. "How are you feeling?" Dylan had warned him about Paige's mood but he wanted to see for himself.

She shrugged. "Loving this morphine," she said, pointing to the IV. She looked up at him again. "This is pretty scary though, isn't it?" she asked.

He nodded. "Yeah, but you know what? I don't think you'll be down for too long," he said smiling. "By Christmas I'm sure you'll be bugging me to go ice skating."

Paige smiled. "Maybe," she said. She picked up his hand and squeezed it. "You're way too good of a boyfriend, you know that, right?"

"That's not true," he said.

"Yeah it is," she said firmly. "Spin, you've done way more than any other guy I know would have done for his girlfriend. You've put up with so much from me. I've done and said terrible, selfish things and you've never backed away, you've never done anything in retaliation. You've never even been angry with me. Not to my face anyways."

"It's not a big deal," Spinner insisted.

"Yes it is. It's a very big deal," Paige said. "I've said it before Spin, and you always brush me off, but will you let me say this and just listen to me?" She waited for him to nod before moving on.

"It's like I've said. I never deserved you as a boyfriend. You're too nice and too sweet, and well, yeah, I didn't deserve to be treated the way you treated me. And you definitely never deserved to put up with everything I put you through." She took a deep breath and continued. "But I've loved every minute of being your girlfriend. I wouldn't give up one second of our time together for anything." She looked away from him. "And whoever your next girlfriend is, she is going to be very very lucky," she finished softly.

"Paige, no-"

"I'm not done," she interrupted gently. "It's okay to talk about this right now, I want us to," she said, nodding at him. "I mean it though. If you treat another girl half as well as you've treated me, she's going to be the luckiest girl in the world. And I want that for you Spinner. You deserve that so much."

He shook his head. "You're the one I love," he said, trying to keep his voice light without much luck.

She smiled again. "Just promise me you won't shut yourself off forever?" she asked.

He shook his head. "I can't do that. That's too much like saying goodbye, and we're nowhere close to doing that."

She nodded, not wanting to push him. "I love you," she said, looking at him again.

"I love you too," he said, leaning down and kissing her. He held onto her longer than he normally did, not really ready to let go. Paige didn't mind though. She wasn't ready to let go either. Not just yet.

Finally, he pulled away. "You should rest," he said, kissing her forehead.

She nodded. "Can you go find my Mom?" she asked.

"I'll go get her and then I'll be right outside," he promised. He squeezed her hand once more and left the room.

Paige stared out the window once again. This wasn't as hard as she thought it was going to be. She waited for Tammy to come back in.

"Paige? Sweetie, you should be resting," Tammy said, sitting down next to her.

"I know, I will. But I needed to talk to you first," Paige said quietly.

"What about?" Tammy asked, brushing a strand of hair off her forehead.

"When Dad gets here, will you tell him I said I love him?"

"You can tell him that yourself Paige, he'll be here tomorrow."

"I know, but if I'm," her words faltered. "sleeping, could you please tell him?"

Tammy sighed. "You know your dad wanted to be here for you today right? He just couldn't Paige."

"I know. I know he didn't know how to handle everything I put you through." Paige closed her eyes for a minute. "I'm not angry with him, please, tell him that too."

"Honey, you need your rest," Tammy said, trying to get her to sleep.

"I will," she insisted. "Mom?"

"Yes honey?"

"I'm sorry for everything," she said. "I'm sorry for everything I ever said to you out of anger or fear."

"I know you never meant any of it," Tammy assured her. "You're just like me, when your back is to the wall, you strike out at those trying to help you. It's okay."

Paige shook her head. "You are a great mom," she insisted. "I just wanted to tell you that. I needed to say that to you and to thank you for everything you've done for me. I couldn't have gotten through any of this without you."

"Yes you could have," Tammy whispered. "Because you're so much stronger than I'll ever be."

Paige shook her head. "We're all stronger now," she said. She was getting tired again. "I think I'll rest now," she said, much to Tammy's relief. "I love you."

"I love you too. Sleep well." Tammy bent down and kissed her cheek and then sat back and watched as she fell asleep.

When she woke up again, it was much later. Her eyes adjusted to the room and she realized it was dark out. A quick glance at the clock on the wall showed her it was nearly 3 am.

Looking around the room, Paige smiled. Spinner, Dylan and Tammy were all sprawled out, sleeping in chairs around the room.

She sighed and looked up at the ceiling, remembering what Dylan had said to her earlier. She felt horrible for not wanting to fight anymore, but maybe she really had done her best. She had fought a lot this past year and a half. She had proved to everyone, including herself that she was much stronger than she ever thought she was.

There wasn't much else she could do, was there?

She turned her attention once more to the 3 sleeping figures in her room. She stared long and hard at each one, memorizing their faces. None of them had anything to feel guilty about; she had made sure of that. They all knew how much she loved them, and that she had given it everything she had. She was getting sleepy again, so she turned her eyes up to the ceiling once more.

Whispering, she said a quick prayer, asking God to make sure to take care of everyone she loved and to somehow let them know just how much she loved them all.

"I was so lucky to have you all in my life," she whispered. "Please God, let them make peace with this. With me."

Sleep was coming quicker than she expected. She looked back over to Dylan. And then to Tammy. And finally Spinner. "I love you," she whispered, pressing her fingers to her lips in a kiss. Then, she stopped fighting and closed her eyes.

_Heaven bend to take my hand and lead me into the fire  
Be the long awaited answer to a long and painful fight  
Truth be told I tried my best  
But somewhere long the way I got caught up in all there was to offer  
But the cost was so much more than I could bear  
  
Though I've tried I've fallen  
I have sunk so low  
I messed up  
Better I should know  
So don't come 'round here and  
Tell me I told you so  
  
We all begin out with good intent  
When love is raw and young  
We believe that we can change ourselves  
The past can be undone  
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals  
In the lonely light of morning  
In the wound that would not heal  
It's the bitter taste of loosing everything  
I've held so dear  
  
Though I've tried I've fallen  
I have sunk so low  
I messed up  
Better I should know  
So don't come 'round here and  
Tell me I told you so  
  
Heaven bend to take my hand  
I've nowhere to turn  
I'm lost to these I thought were friends  
To everyone I know  
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed  
Pretend that they don't see  
That it's one wrong step one slip before you know it  
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed  
  
Though I've tried I've fallen  
I have sunk so low  
I messed up  
Better I should know  
So don't come 'round here and  
Tell me I told you so  
_


End file.
